Originally Published - September 2006
The Stuffed Legend
A lot of people think that walking away from something is so very easy; like Robert DeNiro in the movie HEAT when he abandoned his girlfriend after getting revenge from the guy who double-crossed him at the end of the film. As he sought the finale to his personal agenda, he had prepared himself to do one thing: to leave, no matter what. Nothing was going to hold him back. Had he thought of something more than himself the idea would have been repugnant and he might have lived had a life with someone as opposed to being dead alone. But his own conceit was his downfall, and the tragedy collapsed as he did on a tarmac a few miles from where he started seeking revenge.
I wonder if I am as conceited. Moreover than not I'd like to say I "live in the moment", but that's just an excuse for mischief and chaos.
NEIL McCAULEY: A guy once told me, "Do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner."
Yesterday I learned that I was not needed; after a 2 year absence I thought I could slip back into my old spot on the volunteer staff leading kids and doing my self-esteem lessons and confidence-builders. Instead I had been replaced and was not missed. Nothing skipped a beat, and the band played on. Am I upset? I don't think so, as the kids are the main concern, not my ego. Or at least that's the way it should be, but only being human I feel my emptiness and a lacking. I went back because I was unhappy in my previous incarnation, and now I think that the ashes should have shifted and buried me altogether. Granted, all the "I" statements keep me in this state of conceit but who else am I going to do this for? I thought I would be needed, and instead I am not, so I have to move forward and smile politely instead of showing my hurt. The group asked me to help with one of their seminars but I can't show that I am hurt. The only thing that can be shown is the chance to build and do for others. My only question is "What is there for me?" Maybe I need to ask, after all the years of taking from so many, should I expect anything, or should there just be a trail to finding my inner self and wiggling closer to the brightness of light and delight? Two years away did nothing, and I have to pray and draw and write making the necessary attachments to this life.
Last week was the fifth anniversary of the tragedy of September 11, 2001. Many people wrote from emotional places, and Ann Coulter went on rambling and griping that she can't get the same spin that the widows of those poor men receive. Nonetheless, life went on, and we cried, and we recalled, and we smiled and I had phone and cyber sex and bought supplies for art and my dog and for the necessities of living. I also shed my tears and said my prayers, lighting my candles and stopping to think and salute the flag when I saw it. This generation has to accept that it IS a part of history, like the people who lost the Kennedy's, Martin Luther King, the shuttle Challenger, the last moon mission, the Beirut bombing of Marines, the change of Hong Kong to a colonial place as opposed to a satellite of the crown, the collapse of the Wall and the death of the communism, and so many other moments in the last 25 years. Are we still hell-bent on revenge as a group, or are we ready to move forward as a society? I don't think we can; we all want to do something to make life for everyone right, and the seeking of justice is NOT fucking wrong. People are torn in two sections, and it's a throw-back to where we once were as a political society: hawks and doves. Which side do you go towards? Are you supporting our boys overseas or are you chastising your politicians for standing behind the powers-that-be for taking the steps and making the lives of Americans so fraught with misery, sadness and tragedy? I have to support this president, having been once part of the machine of living free, knowing what it cost to keep us there and not more than needed Many ask for much more than we could hope for: welfare, free education, religion of choice (no matter how convoluted or bizarre), a safety and lack of police interference and privacy. Where the Hell else in the world can you get true privacy? Yes, Big Brother is floating about, but he's not kicking in the goddamned doors and shooting you in the head and making your family and ideals and hopes and dreams disappear. If you're going to cry out for support or change you'd better do two things in your life: Vote and Read. If not, shut the fuck up and get off my balls you bastards.
Most recently I was reading an old favorite of mine: Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. I smiled, thinking about the chaos of causing trouble with words and notions, misery and intimidation being your only guides. I wish I could pull off half the shit that Duke & Dr Gonzo did whilst amid the debris of humanity in Las Vegas. There is so much to rail against in the world. Why bother the idiocies of the Pope or any other leader? Clean up your own shit for once. Make your own mistakes, fix them, and move forward. As I began this essay for today I was under the mea culpa thought process indoctrinated into my mind as a Catholic. Now I need to remember that I love art & writing and that I have to be truest to what I am deep inside myself, not worrying, always helping and keeping the flame alive. I am going to have to find a way to make the most of the years I have (literally) let slip through my fingers and away. I am going to have to fucking cheer up and smile once in a while, making the most of my days & nights, chances & gambles, fortunes and failures.
I was disappointed others had moved on, now I have to be proud I did something good once, and make the most of this time left in life. After all, anything can happen.
~j~
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