Singing Aloud & Unapologetically

"Mary Did You Know"

[Originally written by Mark Lowry and Buddy Greene]
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great, I Am. 

Lyrics found here.

I'm not known for singing; my voice is flat and broad, and I have a small tickle in my throat that is either hereditary or just a condition that shows I should NOT be singing.  But today, Christmas, I was at 8:00 a.m. mass and this song came up on the projectors in the church for group singing.  I couldn't resist and I wouldn't have ever thought of not singing along with the choir no matter how softly I sang or whether I was off-key, missing the marks, or even if anyone looked or not.  

I was able to sing one of my favorite songs, period.  I was able to sing without reservation, needing to be part of something, or conscious of what others thought at that moment.

And then it happened ... kinda freaked me out.

I could feel myself crying.  It hasn't been an amazing year, and it hasn't been a great Christmas as I am still living off the crumbs of a substitute teachers' salary, hoping that my dreams come true someway ... somehow.  I'm fearful of mediocrity and worried this is as good as my expression ever becomes, and yet I keep plucking at the Wall.

Is the Wall inside me?  Have I given my failures a greater importance than they truly deserve?  Or am I just scared and anxious?

Right now it's a step-by-step process and all I can do is keep trodding forward until something happens and I have to keep smiling and hoping and working and wishing, dream by dream ... moment by moment.

Maybe those little tears were supposed to come out of me.  Maybe this is the time when we're all supposed to feel loved and to love one another.

One more step.  2012 is on the horizon.  Either the end of the World or the beginning of a New Day.

We'll see.

Thanks for listening.

Much love,

~ j ~ 

Merry Christmas Apology

Dearest Friends,

Merry Christmas.  If that's not how you roll then 'Happy Holidays.'  I wish you the blessings and love this season allows and I pray you're had a successful year and are headed into an even greater light of joy, love, pleasure and happiness.

You deserve it and I can only hope it happens for you.

It's been a hell of a year and I am trying to make all my own dreams come true, thus neglecting this blog, some of my stories and the chances I've been given to date.  I shall be making more efforts as always, and I shan't end the struggle for my dreams ... ever.

I am sorry that I don't have any goodies to send out so I am taking a moment from this life to say thank you to all my supporters and those of you who always wish me well and hope for my personal best.

"Thank you.  God bless you for all you've done to keep me sane and level."

2012 promises something new ... let's see what happens next.

Always,

~ j ~


*****

Dear Santa (or Satan if necessary)

Either one visiting me would make me smile ...

 Gianna Michaels (ex) or Katarina Hartlova (ex)

I promise to leave milk & cookies.

Always,

afare24get

Dreams on Loan

5.7 Million

It’s 8:15 a.m., Sunday morning and I am typing, trying to express what I saw/felt in my dreams.  The first thing I dreamt was that I opened one of my Student Loan notes for payment to learn, with interest and penalties, I owed 5.7 million dollars and they wanted a payment of $30,000 +/- so I sent them a check for $25 in a money order.  I dropped a stamp then sent it off in the mail.

I went to sleep around 2:00 a.m., the last thing on my mind being a portrait of Joan Crawford after seeing the special, “Secrets of the Will”, and seeing what happened to her family.  Super sad & creepy too.

My first dream was about someone I miss/missed a great deal.  She was reentering my life (which is in the realm of TOTAL fiction) even though several years have passed.  She told me she wasn’t leaving her home but she’d meet me in the middle of both our places.  She had actually come to my home and visited my family, who all took to her quite easily, liking her immediately.  We kept finding ourselves outdoors, surrounded by large trees and open woods.  I found myself kissing her again, holding her, amazed she hadn’t aged, changed or differed in any way since the last time I laid eyes on her gorgeous figure.

                The next thing that I remember is being in a shelter/gym/mall situation with a group of kids/teens due to some occurrence for us to congregate.  Maybe I was a leader, I don’t remember, but everyone was dressed for summer: shorts, t-shirts, flip-flops, bikini tops and the like.  I didn’t question it nor do I remember anyone eating anything but that’s what was going on at that moment.  Now that night I was sleeping in my mattress, when a busty brunette with big hair came onto the edge, wearing a t-shirt, shaking me gently, whispering, “Can I stay here?” 

                She reminded me of Vanessa Del Rio and Lisa Ann in the same breath with a hint of color on her skin, but not as old.  She was in her early 30’s when I first saw her in action so this was a younger woman/version of her.  (In fact, she kinda looked like this young internet model.)

                “Sure”, I mumbled, and turned my back to her.  We were ass to ass, and I was trying to give her space so she could relax.  Suddenly, a hand came to my shoulder, and I heard, “That’s not what I meant.”  

So I turned over, and she had her back to me.  I spooned her, placing one hand over her stomach, stroking it and feeling her belly through her t-shirt.  She wiggled, and then moved closer, keeping me pressed tight to her body.  I kissed the back of her neck, and she rolled over, one knee atop the other, smiling at me in the darkness.  I looked down at her, and she smiled back.  I felt my body moving closer, my waist working to spread her thighs, kissing her chin and her eyes fluttered.  She whispered, “That’s what I meant.”

                “Really?”  I could feel my cock slipping between her cheeks, then up along her thigh and slowly into the sweet spot that made her eyes flutter again, her smile widen and her breast start heaving as she let her t-shirt ride up, baring the perfect hard nipples to me, which disappeared into darkness as I fell face-down to lick/suck them.  (And anyone who knows me knows I am a breast man.)

               

                I awoke briefly to barking dogs, as there has been a goat loose nearby and it’s neck-bell makes a clanging sound, so I rose, opened the door to my shanty and let them loose, allowing them to bark all they pleased.  Before I slipped and arose to release the dogs, I thought she said, “You won’t let anyone else cum in me will you?” 

I don’t know why but for some reason … maybe it’s my hidden perversions but I felt it was something akin to maybe a bisexual reference or an orgy idea/ideal/condom use.  Totally unsure but something I registered in my head.  Either way she was smiling and that was enough for me.

I finally arose around 8:00 a.m. and have been sitting here ever since, editing, rewriting, sipping coffee, feeding dogs, occasionally looking for internet porn and checking e-mails.  I can’t say dreams mean nothing, and I can’t honestly say I can translate them as they’re personal to our own fears and desires, emotions and failings.  Failure is someone I am familiar with like my own Shadow; in fact, I think he is a Shadow, a sense of all I could be or all I could have been, and am still trying to capture even at this age, at this time.

It’s 11:30 p.m. and I have work in the morning.  I’ve got to steam my slacks and a shirt, polish my shoes and make sure I shave and have my morning coffee.  I am supposed to do the announcements in the morning, as I am taking the place of the student council sponsor who also teaches Algebra and Geometry at the middle school I’ll be at in the morning.

Happy Christmas

Hello dear readers. 

No I have not died or dropped off the face of the earth, been hospitalized or become born-again.  Nothing so severe.  I am just busy substitute teaching; and teachers are grabbing every possible day they can, knowing they can leave me in charge to care for their classes, kids, technology and personal effects.  I can run GradeBook, GradeSpeed, RSCCC, (which some districts STILL use) and can keep tabs on the kids without falling apart as a teacher.

Now as an artist, I am trying to do a few new things.  My personal life isn’t as much fun as it’s been in the past and I am just hoping to see a few dreams/attempts happen before I settle into mediocrity.

I have been fighting that for years.

I know I’ll never surrender but I don’t want to be like “The Kid’s” dad in Purple Rain.  I don’t want my children or friends to find a cache of unmet or unfulfilled dreams.

Holiday break starts soon.  Some of you can expect something every cool.  Other I may make an offer for something interesting to your postal mail.

Thanks for listening.

Much love,

Afare24get

Happy Halloween 2011

Happy Halloween gang.

Thank you for all the wonderful notes, comments and heartfelt offers of joy and understand.  They're all appreciated.

Next test in January 2012 so obviously the world's not coming to an end.

Take care.

~j~

  Now why aren't they coming to ring my doorbell for a treat?
;-)

Certification Results

I failed ... again.

Amazing Story - Gotta Read

ERCIS, Turkey (Reuters) - A fiance's love saved 25-year-old teacher Gul Karacoban from being left to die under the rubble of a restaurant she was eating at when a deadly earthquake struck eastern Turkey.

Brought out alive on Monday along with two colleagues, after 18 hours pinned under a mound of concrete and masonry, she was stretchered into an ambulance while paramedics assured her desperate fiance she would be alright.

"All I want is for her to live, I don't care if she injured or not. It doesn't matter, I just want her alive," air force Lieutenant Onur Eryasar told a Reuters photographer before climbing into the ambulance.

When the quake struck, Eryasar rushed from his base in Van to the town of Ercis some 100 km (60 miles) away to find Karacoban, and by talking with her friends and colleagues he learnt where she had gone to lunch.

Finding the restaurant in the dark, he shouted out her name. Hearing the voices of other people trapped in the collapsed building he persuaded one of the rescue teams to begin digging.

By late Monday morning his perseverance was rewarded as the young woman was carried out, alive and conscious.

At least 239 people died in Sunday's 7.2 magnitude earthquake that struck the cities of Van and Ercis, but hundreds more were feared dead and trapped beneath collapsed buildings.

Elsewhere in Ercis, a town of 100,000, a rescue worker stepped carefully down the heap of dust and rubble that had once been an internet cafe, cradling a tiny boy of maybe three years old.

His neck protected by a brace, the boy was crying as he was carried in his rescuer's arms to a waiting ambulance.

Another man emerged stunned, looking round in disbelief as he sat on the debris that he'd been buried under overnight in the bitter cold. Assisted down to the road, he stumbled away into the crowd.

A Reuters photographer saw a woman and her daughter being freed from beneath a concrete slab in the wreckage of a building that had once been six stories tall.

"I'm here, I'm here," the woman, named Fidan, called out in a hoarse voice. Talking to her regularly while working for more than two hours to find a way through, the rescuers cut through the slab, first sighting the daughter's foot, before finally freeing them.

They were alive, but their bodies were badly swollen. Four dead bodies were pulled from the same building.

Distraught relatives continued their vigil in quake-stricken towns and villages.

"SHE WAS ALIVE... SHE'S WEARING RED PAJAMAS"

In Van, the provincial capital of 1 million people on the shores of Turkey's largest lake, fewer buildings collapsed.

But the quake destroyed a seven-story apartment block, home to around 40 families.

"Our grief is huge. My uncle's wife and her children are under the rubble," said one woman watching heavy lifting machinery trying to remove the slabs of fallen concrete.

"All our houses are damaged. We are staying in the youth sports center," she said, before breaking down in tears.

Another woman told Reuters her aunt and little cousin were buried somewhere in a concertina of concrete slabs. At another site a mother said her 24-year-old son, a veterinarian student, was also missing under the rubble.

Emergency workers from half a dozen rescue teams worked frantically to clear debris from a collapsed four-storey building that had housed eight apartments, fearful rising smoke meant there was a fire burning somewhere down below.

Nobody, either dead or alive, had been brought out of the wrecked building so far, though one woman told a rescue worker she had spoken to a friend, Hatice Hasimoglu, on her mobile phone six hours after the quake and she was trapped inside.

The 24-year-old pre-school teacher had been living on the first floor of the building.

"She called me to say that she's alive and she's stuck in the rubble near the stairs of the building," said her friend, a fellow teacher. "She told me she was wearing red pajamas," she said, standing with relatives begging the rescue workers to hurry.

(Additional reporting by Omer Berberoglu and Osman Orsal in ERCIS and Seda Sezer in VAN; Writing by Simon Cameron-Moore; Edited by Richard Meares)

Original Link Here 

And a new cartoon link on my other blog here

Rolling in the Deep

Lyrics | Adele lyrics - Rolling In The Deep lyrics

 

Don't worry dear readers ... still moving. Went to court today & I had to update my DL but what's a $160, right? ~lol~

My battery was $100 but that's okay 'cause at least I can keep driving & working.

Honestly, things could always be worse, so I shall keep smiling & move forward and make my best efforts in teaching and becoming an artist.

Night everyone.

Take care ... keep smiling.


http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/adele/rolling_in_the_deep.html

Update - Be Water

I don't know if I am confident.  Maybe a lack of success keeps me from saying, like Ali, "I AM the Greatest!"  But I can't worry.  That day will come one day soon.

My battery died, and I need to take my dog to the vet's, so everything is rescheduled and I am going to borrow a truck from a family member to take care of this before diving into getting a new battery.

That's it.


Glad to see my friends writing, posting pictures, or looking at new lives with new smiles.

Take care everyone.  I'll keep you all posted on my certification test.

"Be Like Water" Bruce Lee by ~BenjiMC on deviantART

Someone else did the art but I thought it fit nicely in with this moment. No panic, no crying, no freaking out, just flowing.

Celebratory Meatloaf

Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob. ~ Jay/ Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

My old hetro-life partner, a guy who was by my side in the 90's as I coursed through the worst of my drinking binges and emotional spirals, called me yesterday. He told me he had a surprise for me since he knew I was fried after my certification exam. 

Beers in the cooler, and meatloaf on the plates! 

We chatted about some of the things that were popping up among the old classmates and the rumor mill was in full effect, so we chatted, ate & watched SNL till I finally went to my little hovel and put my pups to bed so I could get some sleep and relax. 

Anyway, that was my night, and my day. I took 4.5 hours out of the 5 hours allotted for the test and I tried everything I could imagine to make my test successful. My students were telling me they were rooting for me since they like my teaching methods, and they seem to care for me as much as I care for them. 

Prayer to St. Jude, fingers crossed, prayers done, studying done. I can't get my hopes up since the test is mired in minutiae so I'll plan for a back-up test date in 3 weeks in case I fail again. No holding my breath or hedging my bets; I just keep trying until I pass. Thanks for listening gang.

Awakening

It's a little before 11pm and I am going to bed.  I LOATHE studying and yet, it's a necessary evil since I want (or need) to become a teacher to pay the bills and have a future.

I shall be awakening at 530 am and having coffee and breakfast before going to the UTSA downtown site.

Gotta keep trying, right?

I hope I am not becoming like my hero, Peggy Hill, and being too bull-headed to learn from my mistakes.

On my other blog is a prayer to St. Jude for a little success in my test in the morning.

Wish me luck.

~ j ~

Detective Shaved Longcock: Porn filming on Los Angeles firetrucks 'unacceptab...

Detective Shaved Longcock: Porn filming on Los Angeles firetrucks 'unacceptab...: CLICK @ BLOG TO SEE THE UNCENSORED IMAGE Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said Thursday he was concerned about reports that Los Ange...

(You're gonna have to read the rest on that blog!)

Angels in the backfield

"Sometimes you need to recognize that there are angels out there watching you fly ... keeping you safe with their hopes and dreams. Thank you." And now ... a chuckle. I was rereading & thinking about what I'd need to keep going besides determination. I think the one thing I need to do is never stop my projects. Fruitlessness won't make me a success. I just need to keep moving on ... "keep on trucking." 

3 Could Be the Charm

I am scribbling this before I go to bed a little before 1am Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.  My long-term gigs were cancelled due to me not being certified as a teacher.  So I am working to keep making ends meet as often as possible.

I cancelled a few other gigs because I thought I'd be in long-term as an English teacher, but the Superintendent refused having me in the spot.  The teacher in that spot originally had to leave due to a illness in the family and resigned her post.  The Super refused her position and was going to have HER pay for the spot for a substitute, thus cutting into her salary.  I know this lady well enough to know she wouldn't abandon her kids if there were any other way.

The Principal shifted ALL her students, thus moving 100 students, including athletics, special needs and GT students to where they'd all fit.  Thus some rooms are bulging at 27 - 30 kids, and other have maybe 13 kids out of 20 that are special needs meaning they're behavior, motivational, or emotional wrecks.  They're the ones who start fires, bite students and teachers, and end confrontations with flying furniture.  Spreading them out among 4 teachers worked, but redistributing them will create anarchy.

I called a friend of mine who's an attorney, and he said nothing could be done due to the clause in her contract, leaving the final position for "termination of services" in the hands of the Superintendent.  She could fight it but would love money in the long run just because of the drawn-out pay used instead of for her benefit, to pay for mediocre substitutes.  THUS I thought I'd be working, and cancelled some other jobs because this was the will of the teacher: I take over so they kids don't get sent to other teachers.

Admin had other ideas and they're all in the wind.  I am finishing the grades from last week, making sure they have some increases since a LOT of them had 30-60's as averages for their progress reports.

Saturday is my next certification test.

Three's the charm, right?

Take care & thanks for listening.

Some People

Some people sit on their butts;

got the dream, yeah, but not the guts.

That's living for some people,

for some hum-drum people I suppose.

Well, they can stay and rot!

But not Rose!

Some People – from the play “Gypsy”

            In the United States we’re commemorating the fall of the Twin Towers, something that always seemed so immovable, so mighty, and like the US economy, we’re learning we too, can fall without warning.  I have one story to tell regarding that day, and it’s the only one I can recall, yet I won’t share it on a larger scale, nor will I link this page back with any markers regarding it.  I’m sharing it with the people who mean something to me, not the world in general.

            (Should fame follow me one day this story will be better-known, but there are many, and my life doesn’t revolve around it.)

            I was in college and trying to succeed as a part-time student/substitute teacher when this tragedy happened.  I was on the Literotica boards waiting for a friend of mine when my mother called me, saying on the phone, “Did you see it?  Someone flew an airplane into a New York skyscraper.”

            Sounded impossible: “You’re kidding ma, that’s not possible.”

            She replied quickly: “They say it’s on the internet.  And it’s on TV too.”

            I went to my laptop instead of the TV and found video footage streaming/replaying on Yahoo.  I thought it had to be some kind of prank in all honesty, and felt ‘Maybe someone’s fuckin’ with the world wide web.  World’s greatest prank.’

            I saw the footage, unable to believe the POV from the street as I looked at the belly of an airplane closing in then disappearing into the glass windows and a fireball flashed out.  A friend of mine from California sent me a note asking if I saw it.  I replied that there was a level of denial and disbelief but I couldn’t turn away.  It was the World Trade Center, something indomitable.  I was reading everything I could find and I was glancing to the monitor as often as I could while trying to get ready for class.  I dressed, shutting down the laptop, trying to rethink about my day and what was gonna happen to society.  I knew we as Americans don’t take to change, and we’re resistant (or believe we’re immune) to whatever happens around the world, so I went to school, driving, listening to NPR and wondering what’s gonna happen next today.  NPR said there was a rumor that one plane was headed for the White House and the Pentagon had been struck.  I shut off the truck, the last word being that two fighter jets were chasing it along the Potomac to possibly shoot it down. 

(This is later learned to be United 93, where the passengers fought and crashed their own plane instead of allowing the terrorist to follow their own plans against this country.)

            When I entered the corridors and outer halls of the school, I found people had pushed or pulled TV’s out and were watching with breath held the same vision I had seen earlier.  The news was replaying the atrocity again and again, telling us where else the planes had struck.  I was still thinking about my friends around the country, trying to recall if there was anyone I knew on the East Coast or if I should just sit in my tiny place and wait for whatever inevitability would occur today.

            I could hear my shrill teacher’s voice, saying, “I guess we’re gonna wait a little longer.”

            When I stepped into the room (late as usual) every head turned towards me, and I stared back.  The group was unblinking, and we were using information gleaned from radios, e-mails, and TV as Smart Phone’s hadn’t come into being or onto a common use factor yet.

            The teacher looked at me, asking, “What have you heard?”

            I said matter-of-factly, “Two fighter planes are possibly chasing a jet headed down the Potomac towards the White house.”

            She looked down at her ugly shoes, then at the class.  We all stared at her, then a young man who was in the SAPD (local police department) stood up, edging out past me, leaving the room quietly.  No one said anything; we knew he was going to be reporting to duty or waiting on-call for whatever would be next that day.  Finally the teacher looked at us and said, “Class dismissed.  We’ll meet again Thursday if there’s a place for us to meet.”

            I went to see my folks, wrote in my personal journals, and thought little about myself for once.  I cried, prayed, messaged, chatted and waited, like the rest of the country, to learn more about the infamous coordinator, Osama Bin-Laden and what panic looks like when we’re caught unaware.

            Our lives have returned to a certain level of normal.  We have lost whatever humanity made us donate blood, give money, and want to drive to New York or even to enlist in the military service.  We’re still selfish and conceited, and we need to change.

            I feel ghoulish.  A teacher I know is suddenly losing a family member; she sent me an e-mail that had a sense of finality.  It felt like my last job, where the teacher was falling apart slowly, but in this situation, it’s a rapid descent to sadness.  She didn’t even ask me to pack anything for her, just offer it to the other teachers and toss the rest into recycle.  I feel bad, since there are fewer teacher jobs available currently, and there are a lot of other teachers losing their jobs and I still haven’t passed my certification test yet.  I’m taking my next one Saturday the 24^th at 8:00am and I hope this will be the last one for my job.  Maybe then I won’t feel like such a fraud working at the schools.

            Even then I don’t think I’ll feel like a teacher, or at least a teacher for what I’d like to do but it’s something I’ve gotta do right now with all the bill collectors calling me at all hours.  I’m alive and I am still trying people, friends and readers … and some of you I owe so much for all your support and assistance.  I haven’t given up on my dreams, but it’s slow going.

            But it’s still going.

           

            Thanks for listening as always.

            Love,

            ~ j ~

09/11/01 Timeline