Today's Delusions & Tears

"For all it's worth I'm sorry I'm a bad man ... "

"Two tiny dogs (chihuaha & smaller, very puppy), just passed me. I slowed down so as not to hit them. The urge to grab them up & take them home came over me & I had to supress it. I almost got them but I realized I have no snacks & no means. God please watch them since I can't. I'm so sorry."

(taken from my cell phone)

I still feel very bad and maybe it's my own battle with OCD that I have tried to save the strays here in San Antonio, snatching them & running them up to ACS (Animal Control Services) to hopefully find new homes and families who will love them and treasure them so very much. Dogs deserve to be loved, and so do people willing to want something greater in life.

I don't - not in any fuckin' way.

I keep crushing myself and my own heart deep inside, and the inner soul-sucking of my paraiah-like attitude keeps me from being loveable. My sister & her husband are adopting a baby from one of her cousins' who almost aborted the angel. I am so fuckin' scared as I am turning 41 this fuckin' summer and have NO children. I am alone, with no heirs, lineage, or descendents. I am dying so very slowly and feel my heart bleeding for the fact that I can't fix every-fucking-thing I have a problem with each & every day.

My OCD got the better of me & I left the library I was working at & went looking for them. I searched the streets around the area where they crossed me, wondering if they wandered towards the sounds of people, maybe for scraps of food, or to a home where they knew there would be shelter and safety. I circled around a few times, and at one little L-shaped street, I found two dogs wrestling in the street. A group of 'homies' looked at me, and I tore one of the beef jerky snacks I had (along with a beer box in case I needed to hold them) and toss them out the car window to both dogs. I don't recall hearing anything ... maybe it was the quiet that told me maybe they didn't believe what they saw me do at that moment.

Maybe it was a sign of weakness to them, or maybe a unfulfilled need that they wouldn't fulfill out of pride or stubborness.

Maybe I don't really know what I am doing or why. All I do know is that I am finding myself crying more often, chatting and spending too much money I no longer have. GOD ALMIGHTY! My fuckin' phone bill for last month was close to $500 for my cell, home & DSL line. I'm outta my goddamned skull to keep doing this bullshit to myself.

~sigh~

Maybe God will present me with six (6) winning numbers in a dream for the Saturday night Lotto. Maybe I'll just take my own life & raze the people closest to me in my apartment complex.

Too many maybe's ...

No definites.

Good night.

Julian

p.s. "I wrote this at the local university on my way home back

through the streets to my shitty little apartment. As I drove home

I saw both dogs moving around one of the houses at the

corner where they crossed my path. I saw that

they lived in a house where (obviously) they weren't supervised.

Soon they could wind up killed for negligence. It makes my heart

very heavy & sad." ~J~

Goodbye George - I'm Praying For You!

George Carlin passed away this week and he will be missed. He was a riot on-stage, live and wild, untamed and satisfying to the mind and soul. I always wished I could express myself like he does: free-falling, never worrying about a parachute or the pavement, just waiting for the chance to fall.

And like a leaf on the wind ... he floated away from our lives. A strong gust took him earlier this week and he will be missed greatly.

I am posting a couple of his better rants and stories, and hoping you'll appreciate him as much as I do.

Always,


Julian

A Slight Obsession

Some days you can't help yourself. The pictures come in, the names pile up, and they all want something wicked you can only provide to them from time to time, not repeatedly, and that makes you nuts.

You're addicted.

Seriously, and there's nothing you can do to slide out of it.

More women, younger & older, infect your life, in ways you never dreamed of in the past,and you're loving it feeling like you're in your 20's and a rock star. You just can't help yourself and you love it more than is possible. Blurry-eyed, you can stare and you can watch and wish and recall her voice, her words, her images on video-cam & in the pictures she willingly sent you.
Is that what you're feeling when your heart races and your stomach lurches in anticipation, and you dream about her, licking your lips, feeling her body in your dreams ... wishing for so much more than you'll both ever deserve?

Madness?

Obsession?

Perversion?

Insanity?

Addiction?

Has she truly accepted you want her so badly you're willing to ruin both your lives for her?Or are you a momentary lapse of reason?

Escape your obsession - let her heart fly away. Without it she's gonna be ruined.

Love her from afar.

What else can you do?

Maybe ... maybe not.

~J~

On Phone Sex

And thus at one of my favorite websites, I enjoy a room for chatters called "Phone" or some variation therein. What appeals to the pervert in me is the idea of instant gratification!

BAM!! When done right a man should be coming hard & moaning in total abandon to the caller choosing to submit himself to the desires in his closet of perversions.

I have to let you know that phone sex is amazing! WOW! I totally enjoy the lust of hearing someone breathing fast moaning whimpering gasping losing ALL control of themselves in the depths of a fantasy. it doesn't matter what we (as men) want, but what matters to women; if we can't satisfy them, we're going to be a very disappointing call & it's doubtful you'll get someone addicted to your voice.

*****

However, I have to wonder what the deal is with the small talk and the problems in these questions used in Phone Chat room at Literotica:

Where are you from? = Stalking?!

What are you wearing/Are you dressed? = Would YOU be dressed here?!

What turns you on? = Did you read the profile yet?!

Can I call you now? = Desperate!!

What do you look like? = Did you read the profile?! Does it honestly matter what she looks like moreso than what she sounds like?! Geezus! What do YOU fuckin' look like?!!

u-r hawt -omg- -lol- = Please try and get a grown-up vocabulary.

Shouldn't we be hoping she'll be willing to subject herself to your probing tongue licking its' way into your ear with its' incredible responses and delighted approval of your expression of fantasy? Do you really need to know she came?

Can't you tell??!!

Julian

"Now this blog is set for comments, and I am moderating so leave me a note from time to time, and let me know what you think about what I am saying here, folks! Also, if you'd like to read more about me (info & publishings) then just click on the link below at the bottom right of this blog and you can read my ideas, perversions and desires and delights."

Receipt of Tears - Paid in Full

My neighbors, the Losoya's went into a spin recently.

I listened through the thin walls of my apartment, hearing groans of desperation and the click-clack of buttons of a calculator going off with the consistency of a series of raindrops hitting a tin roof.

He said softly, "I'm sorry dear. Looks like you're missing $1900."

"I'm gonna lose my fuckin' job! We'll be broke again Xavier! And I liked my job."

He muffled her cries of panic with his body, calming her and walking her to bed after telling her "God lets these things happen for a reason. Don't panic yet."

I heard Xavier saying, "Look. Tomorrow see the principal & be honest. Don't worry and if you can offer to pay back the money from your summer school salary."

Mrs. Losoya cried, tears escaping her from behind sheetrock, "I'm gonna work damned hard for that money JUST to give it away. And the rumors - shit, I'll never escape them. I'll be a pariah! I'll be 'that teacher', and the bullshit will never end!"

"Look, we counted the money three times. You're either missing a reciept or you had the money stolen by the kids in your class."

They began arguing, Mr. Losoya trying to play Holmes while his wife cried; I could hear her continuing the unbelieving sobs late into the night. At one point Xavier said, "Do you want to ask Julian for the money? He's always got a scam going."

She refused, talking about facing the music, losing the club she loved so very much, and worrying about leaving her district & looking for a new job out of town. That seems to be the crux of teaching and scandals: when it happens you go out of town for your next job unless you made the news. THEN you go out of state.

Knowing I had no reserves this summer, and am actually looking at a job in telemarketting, I did the only thing I could as she wept deep into the night, her husband always trying and failing to comfort her: I lit a candle to St. Jude, Patron Saint of Lost Causes.

Is it my place to help others? I give money away on the street, to kids I've worked with, and to people around me all the time. Sadly, I never keep much for myself & am just shy of cyber-begging for cash to keep me alive. Some days, however, I wish I could fix the world, all their failings, all the chaos.

Maybe that's not right - maybe it's too ambitious or a reality that one day I shall die & account for my sins. Maybe I'm just too worried about the future.

Adios,



Jules

p.s. "Mrs. Losoya caught me the next day. Apparently the school scretary found another receipt for $3200 - her deficit AND a nice profit. Looks like things worked out for them."

A Little "Closer"

I am blessed to have some amazing friends who love me, lust me & even listen to me when the levels of depravity can't be touched due to a breaking heart or a chaotic mind. They know who and what they are to my life and are always there to make me smile.

To them ... I wish they were "Closer" ...

This song says it all.

Julian




- Ne-Yo Lyrics


Ne-Yo Closer Lyrics

Songwriters: N/A

Closer

closer

closer

closer


Turn the lights off in this place
And she shines just like a star
And I swear I know her face
I just don`t know who you are
Turn the music up in here
I still hear her loud and clear
Like she`s right there in my ear
Telling me
that she wants to own me
To control me
Come closer
Come closer


And I just can`t pull myself away
Under Her Spell I can't break
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
And I just can`t bring myself away
But I don`t want to escape
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop


I can feel her on my skin
I can taste her on my tongue
Shes the sweetest taste of sin
The more I get the more I want
She wants to own me.....
Come closer
She says "come closer"


And I just can`t pull myself away
Under Her Spell I can't break
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
And I just can`t bring myself away
But I don`t want to escape
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop

(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)

I just can`t stop nooooo
I just can`t stop nooooo
I just can`t stop nooooo
I just can`t stop nooooo


And I just can`t pull myself away
Under Her Spell I can't break
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
And I just can`t bring myself away
But I don`t want to escape
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop
I just can`t stop

And I just can`t pull myself away
Under Her Spell I can't break
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop
I just cant stop

On A Walk With Angels

I don't know how long he'd been out in the sun that day but I had to encounter him simply because I needed gas. He strolled up, hat backwards, darker than he should be even for being African-American in Texas, wearing a Spectrum t-shirt and lagging a backpack over his shoulder, his eyes wandering around, waiting for me to open the door. I waited, as he did, and when I stepped out he approached.

"Pump your gas sir? Fifty cents? No thing too much? Less?" I waved him off, a poor fat guy in the Cobalt wishing her had more than a dollar and a string of reciepts unaccounted for my check ledger in my wallet. He walked over to the pump next to mine, a shiny black Mercedes super-gloossy with a young man wearing designer shades and expensive jeans to usher on his 'chilled' look with a nice polo and loafers. He was clean shaved and probably buying more than $10 in gas at $3.88 a gallon.




He didn't look that bad off ... just a little out of luck. I figured that the decent thing to do would be to give him my last dollar. He tried refusing it, pushing the money back into my fingers, not wanting it.

"I didn't earn it", he protested. He seemed nervous to even look me in the eye.



"Yes you did", I replied. "You came to talk to me ... you worked." He still tried putting it back in my hand when I finally said, "Y'know, it's a kinda hot day. Maybe you could use a cold drink before moving on. Let me buy you a cold drink."

And with that he finally let me press the dollar into his calloused hand, smiling once at me, and I smiled back, giving it away and moving back to my car, leaving him there.

It's only a dollar, to some people, and to others it could mean going hungry or getting something ... maybe even busfare to get somewhere.

We should walk with angels, or we've wasted our lives.

Think about it for yourself.

Always,



Julian

Women Beware - If It Sounds Too Good To Be True ...

BALLS! Like a pair of fucking bowling balls ... Balls! I was amazed & surprised to read this over coffee this morning, knowing just how much information there is about people and what you can find on-line nowadays. There is a way to check everyone ... every thing ... and know what's going on and with whom.

SAFETY!! That's why when I'm in the Phone sex room I know the angels calling me will use Star-67 hiding their numbers so they're not stalked. I don't blame them. Again, all back to information and where you're going to look. Maybe that's why I like places like 'Literotica' where people who are like-minded will meet you, your standards, and your desires with the wanted anominity. If you want more you'll only find it one way:

COMMUNICATION! HONESTY! ACCEPTANCE!

If you're a pervert you're a pervert. And if you're an addict you're an addict! All you need to know is whether you're going to indulge or leave your wants & needs. I shan't say that at a place like 'Millionaire.com" the women got what they deserved. They were just trading their looks or hopes for the men looking for the same. If you're a trophy wife you'll look for a sugar daddy; if you're the sugar daddy you're paying for the trophy wife.

I am neither - no trophy dude or sugar papa. Just a pervert. Thus I advocate Honesty, Acceptance and Communication.

Anyway ... that's all for now.

Julian

---------

Homeless man accused of swindling 13 women Wed Jun 4, 11:35 PM ET

A homeless man accused of duping 13 women by posing as a millionaire on an Internet dating service was arraigned Wednesday in this Philadelphia suburb.

Paul Krueger, 50, used a laptop computer to meet the women on Millionairematch.com, prosecutors said. He is accused of stealing more than $100,000 from the women after convincing them he was a Grammy-nominated record mogul who needed investors for a new business venture that manufactured DVDs, CDs and other videos. He showed one victim false stock reports detailing the success of his nonexistent new business, according to court papers.

Charges were filed in Souderton because that is where he told women to send him money; the address is the home of his ex-wife, authorities said.

Authorities say Krueger used the money to fuel his gambling addiction. He was arrested last week at a casino in Atlantic City, N.J., and did not fight extradition to Pennsylvania.

Krueger declined to comment to reporters as he was arraigned on charges of theft by unlawful taking or disposition, theft by deception, deceptive or fraudulent business practices and Pennsylvania Securities Act violations.


(p.s. - "I was looking for a 'thief' image & found the above one called 'radio thief' so I used it ... ~lol~ )
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080605/ap_on_re_us/millionaire_swindle

http://www.millionairematch.com/

Call Me

I am a deviate & watching this song which reminds me of a certain angel in my life. Currently she's connected to a man & I see several women so it's not like we could image being faithful to her much less alone anyone else in life.

And in case you're wondering ... the missing word is 'panties' ...

After all they came in the mail last month!

May all your perversions come true.



Julian

-------

TWEET _ Southern Hummingbird
Call Me - lyrics


Shake it, Shake it
Shake it, Shake it
Shake it, Shake it
Bounce, Bounce
Bounce, Bounce

Baby you the man
Cause you put it on me
And in the morning
I roll over and feel you touching on me
I got another man
But he ain't like you
And I cant be your baby mama
Though I'd like to
C-C-C-C-C-Call me real late at night
When my man's asleep
And take a red eye
To the west side up and down my spine
And let you feel what you've been missing
I'm so bonafide

Call me
Ooo, when you need me
Baby, you dont have to worry
Call me
We can do something

Call me
Ooo, when you need me
Baby, you dont have to worry
Call me
We can do something

Baby, take my hand
When you're feeling lonely
It don't matter where you're at
Just let me put it on you
I got another man
But he aint like you
And I cant be your baby mother
Though I'd like to
C-C-C-C-Call me at the break of dawn
I'll be sure to meet you with no panties on
We can slip and slide
We can take a ride
And feel the love that you've been missin
I'm so bonafide

Call me
Ooo, when you need me
Baby, you dont have to worry
Call me
We can do something

Call me
Ooo, when you need me
Baby, you dont have to worry
Call me
We can do something

You can call me
You can call me
Call me

Call me
Ooo, when you need me
Baby, you dont have to worry
Call me
We can do something

Call me
Ooo, when you need me
Baby, you dont have to worry
Call me
We can do something

http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/tweet-lyrics/call-me-lyrics.html

----



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LT9TVuoLN9k

The Idiocy of SPAM

Okay friends ... what kind of idiot truly falls for this? I mean this is a more fantastic story than the ones you see on "COPS" when all Hell breaks loose and the criminal either struggles with capture or with the idea of actually telling them his true identity. After all, if you're using a false name aren't you already in trouble?

Here's a slap of SPAM I recieved earlier this week.

Blessings,


Julian

From Mrs Rebecca Williams

Why is this spam/nonspam?
reb_will005@yahoo.co.jp
show details Jun 1 (3 days ago) Reply


From Mrs Rebecca Williams
N�[38 Rue Des Martyrs Cocody
Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire


ATTN: DEAREST ONE OF GOD

I am the above named person from Kuwait . I am married to Mr Benson Williams, who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $2. 5 Million (Two Million Five Hundred U.S. Dollars) in the bank here in Abidjan in suspense account.

Presently, the fund is still with the bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that i have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained.



The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don稚 have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don稚 want my husband痴 efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don稚 want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence i know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

I don稚 need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband痴 relatives is around me always I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan . I want you and the church to always pray for me because the Lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the above e-mail address for more information痴, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your
reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.

Yours in Christ,


Mrs Rebecca Williams.

Consumption

In one way or another, we Males as a species of animal, like oral sex. Maybe it's a little too primative for some, or too lurid for others, but in all honesty it's amazingly fun & wicked & delightful.

Think of it like the first time you drive ... moreover, like the first time you're riding a motorcycle, going fast, riding hard with little to protect you but trust and hope and desire.

Zoom! You're there.

Enjoy the humor & smiles ...

Julian