"For all it's worth I'm sorry I'm a bad man ... "
"Two tiny dogs (chihuaha & smaller, very puppy), just passed me. I slowed down so as not to hit them. The urge to grab them up & take them home came over me & I had to supress it. I almost got them but I realized I have no snacks & no means. God please watch them since I can't. I'm so sorry."
(taken from my cell phone)
I still feel very bad and maybe it's my own battle with OCD that I have tried to save the strays here in San Antonio, snatching them & running them up to ACS (Animal Control Services) to hopefully find new homes and families who will love them and treasure them so very much. Dogs deserve to be loved, and so do people willing to want something greater in life.
I don't - not in any fuckin' way.
I keep crushing myself and my own heart deep inside, and the inner soul-sucking of my paraiah-like attitude keeps me from being loveable. My sister & her husband are adopting a baby from one of her cousins' who almost aborted the angel. I am so fuckin' scared as I am turning 41 this fuckin' summer and have NO children. I am alone, with no heirs, lineage, or descendents. I am dying so very slowly and feel my heart bleeding for the fact that I can't fix every-fucking-thing I have a problem with each & every day.
My OCD got the better of me & I left the library I was working at & went looking for them. I searched the streets around the area where they crossed me, wondering if they wandered towards the sounds of people, maybe for scraps of food, or to a home where they knew there would be shelter and safety. I circled around a few times, and at one little L-shaped street, I found two dogs wrestling in the street. A group of 'homies' looked at me, and I tore one of the beef jerky snacks I had (along with a beer box in case I needed to hold them) and toss them out the car window to both dogs. I don't recall hearing anything ... maybe it was the quiet that told me maybe they didn't believe what they saw me do at that moment.
Maybe it was a sign of weakness to them, or maybe a unfulfilled need that they wouldn't fulfill out of pride or stubborness.
Maybe I don't really know what I am doing or why. All I do know is that I am finding myself crying more often, chatting and spending too much money I no longer have. GOD ALMIGHTY! My fuckin' phone bill for last month was close to $500 for my cell, home & DSL line. I'm outta my goddamned skull to keep doing this bullshit to myself.
~sigh~
Maybe God will present me with six (6) winning numbers in a dream for the Saturday night Lotto. Maybe I'll just take my own life & raze the people closest to me in my apartment complex.
Too many maybe's ...
No definites.
Good night.
Julian
p.s. "I wrote this at the local university on my way home back
through the streets to my shitty little apartment. As I drove home
I saw both dogs moving around one of the houses at the
corner where they crossed my path. I saw that
they lived in a house where (obviously) they weren't supervised.
Soon they could wind up killed for negligence. It makes my heart
very heavy & sad." ~J~
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