Goodbye # 12

"Too Easy" - One Republic

Autumn wind turns again
The days are warm, start to fade
All that's here is still the same
Memories fall like rain

The only world I know
Steady as you go
It's too easy, it's too easy for you
It's too easy, it's too easy for you

Sinking in the sand of time
A measurable bind, I'll be fine
I'll burn a fire above the air
So Heaven is still on my side

Where is it tonight
No more alibis
It's too easy, it's too easy for you
It's too easy, it's too easy for you

Autumn wind turns again
The days are warm, start to fade

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/onerepublic/tooeasy.html

Goodbye # 11

"Rain" - Patty Griffin

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain


http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/pattygriffin/rain.html

In Retrospect

Despite anything else I have to admit, She did make my dreams come true. I don't regret one thing she did with or for me, even itf it was lying or being honest or trying to hurt me to get me to leave her alone.

She gave me a smile that I can't remove or redesign.

I keep thinking "Maybe I'm just in her way; maybe I am just interfering with her own chance to be lusty and brilliant, and maybe I'm just a bore to her. I'm not good enough, and never was. Maybe I was too limp & she had to fake her way through my relationship."

Too many maybe ...

And yet, for that alone I'll always love her no matter what; she comes back or she stays where she's at, there's always gonna be a candle in my heart for her.

Maybe she'll look for me again, or maybe she'll keep ignoring me.

I had hopes: one day I'd leave Texas and we'd settle between both our families.

Thus we could visit at our leisure and they could come to us as we grow as a family.

(Ha ha!)

I even had names picked out for our children.

But we'll wait & see what happens.

Adios,

Julian

Goodbye # 10

LUTHER INGRAM lyrics - "If Loving You Is Wrong"
(Banks, Hampton and Jackson)

If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right
If being right means being without you
I'd rather live a wrong doing life
Your mama and daddy say it's a shame
It's a downright disgrace
Long as I got you by my side
I don't care what your people say

Your friends tell you there's no future
In loving a married man
If I can't see you when I want to
I'll see you when I can
If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right
If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right

Am I wrong to fall so deeply in love with you
Knowing I got a wife and two little children
Depending on me too
And am I wrong to hunger
for the gentleness of your touch
knowing I got somebody else at home
who needs me just as much

And are you wrong to fall in love
With a married man
And am I wrong trying to hold on
To the best thing I ever had
If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right
If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right

Are you wrong to give your love
To a married man
And am I wrong trying to hold on
To the best thing I ever had
If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right
If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right

I don't wanna be right
If it means sleeping alone at night
I don't wanna be right
If it means coming home at night
I don't wanna, I don't wanna
I don't wanna never, never, never be right

http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/luther_ingram/if_loving_you_is_wrong.html
*****

Black Sabbath - "Changes" lyrics

I feel unhappy
I feel so sad
I've lost the best friend
That I ever had

She was my woman
I loved her so
But it's too late now
I've let her go

I'm going through changes

We shared the years
We shared each day
In love together
We found a way

But soon the world
Had its evil way
My heart was blinded
Love went astray

I'm going through changes

It took so long
To realize
And I can still hear
Her last goodbyes

Now all my days
Are filled with tears
Wish I could go back
And change these years

I'm going through changes


http://www.lyrics007.com/Black%20Sabbath%20Lyrics/Changes%20Lyrics.html

Goodbye # 09 - With Web Embarassments

I tried meeting someone, ANYONE to make the pain go away; to make the fear of being without the One I wanted in my life. It took long enough to have her, to meet her, to love her and to plan for a future with her, the woman I miss, the one I've been writing about for the last few weeks.

And then I tried a site which gave me a picture of something idiotic:



It was a fuckin' SCAM letter. Just like the ones in your e-mail promising you $22 million dollars from Sadaam Hussein or something like that, a "Three Kings" scenario with a stranger to deposit the money after giving out their information about banking & the like.

I'm trying to write as often as possible. I am looking for new friends, noew cyber sex or new chatters. Sadly, NOT ONE GODDAMNED person has been worth all the worry, all the joy, all the cost, all the suffering She was to my life.

I thought I found a kindred spirit: I was wrong. Actually, I take that back. SHE was wrong; but at least she found someone who she could practice hurting.

I take that back. She could have kept lying & instead worked hard to be honest. I guess 'infatuation' is a rough & deep river, and you can't always swim or paddle. Sometimes you drown. I thought she was drowning with me. Instead she swam away.

I'm trying not to weep. I am cooking, drawing, cleaning, anything to keep me from looking for her when I know she's on-line. I don't mind leaving her notes when she's off-line: she can discard or ignore them easily. Like in high school, the fat geeky kid passes a note to the cute cheerleader who looks at it & discards it before she leaves the room in the teachers' waste bin.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Julian

****

Elton John "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word"

What have I got to do to make you love me

What have I got to do to make you care

What do I do when lightning strikes me

And I wake to find that youre not there

What do I do to make you want me

What have I got to do to be heard

What do I say when its all over

And sorry seems to be the hardest word

Its sad, so sad

Its a sad, sad situation

And its getting more and more absurd

Its sad, so sad

Why cant we talk it over

Oh it seems to me

That sorry seems to be the hardest word

What do I do to make you love me

What have I got to do to be heard

What do I do when lightning strikes me

What have I got to do

What have I got to do

When sorry seems to be the hardest word

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/e/elton+john/sorry+seems+to+be+the+hardest+word_20046461.html

*******

THE MANHATTANS lyrics - Kiss And Say Goodbye

[Spoken:]
This has got to be the saddest day of my life
I called you here today for a bit of bad news
I won't be able to see you anymore
Because of my obligations, and the ties that you have
We've been meeting here everyday
And since this is our last day together
I wanna hold you just one more time
When you turn and walk away, don't look back
I wanna remember you just like this
Let's just kiss and say goodbye

I had to meet you here today
There's just so many things to say
Please don't stop me 'til I'm through
This is something I hate to do
We've been meeting here so long
I guess what we done, oh was wrong
Please darlin', don't you cry
Let's just kiss and say goodbye

Many months have passed us by
(I'm gonna miss you)
I'm gonna miss you, I can't lie
(I'm gonna miss you)
I've got ties, and so do you
I just think this is the thing to do
It's gonna hurt me, I can't lie
Maybe you'll meet, you'll meet another guy
Understand me, won't you try, try, try, try, try, try, try
Let's just kiss and say goodbye (Goodbye)

(I'm gonna miss you)
I'm gonna miss you, I can't lie
(I'm gonna miss you)
Understand me, won't you try
(I'm gonna miss you)
It's gonna hurt me, I can't lie
(I'm gonna miss you)
Take my hankerchief, wipe your eyes
(I'm gonna miss you)
Maybe you'll find, you'll find another guy
(I'm gonna miss you)
Let's kiss and say goodbye, pretty baby
(I'm gonna miss you)
Please, don't you cry
(I'm gonna miss you)
Understand me, won't you try
(I'm gonna miss you)
Let's just kiss
And say goodbye

http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/the_manhattans/kiss_and_say_goodbye.html

How I Feel

Discarded Bunny

Tumbling Laundry

Oh well ... c'est la vie.

At least you know I am not suicidal any longer. ~lol!~

Julian

Depravity Rainbow (the cartoon) - Graying

In Case You're Wondering ...

Just in case you can't see the image on my profile here it is.

Blessings,

Julian

Fearz

Motifakes - everyone needs a laugh

Along with the many things to see on the internet there are also many weird & creative things to do, such as taking your favorite pics and adding captions, thus creating "Motifakes". This is a take-off of the motivational posters of the "industry-90's", where everyone needed a way to accept a warrior concept into business. You know, "CEO like a Samurai", "The Tao of the Water Cooler" and so forth.

And when the internet got huge this was one of the favorites, and now is one of the best past times. The main website has a search space and you can sign up for a account to make your own posters.

I'm not doing that ... yet. But it is one of my favorite places to visit when there's time.

Okay gang, back to work.

Blessings,

Julian

The Cartoon Version - Intro

(Hopefully) My Final Goodbye

Goodbye My Angel - I Am Trying To Release You
---
I guess I should have leapt long ago. She has a new life & a new series of pleasures and joys, and I have to respect that and not interfere. She is going to enjoy herself and have all that she can to make her smile.

Of course I'd love having my cake & eating it too.

It's been almost three (3) weeks since I've heard her voice, her responses, her revelations, her rebounding to all I ask of her. Maybe that's what it will take to keep me away from her.

I wish she'd rush to me, leaving notes, looking for me, saying "Julian ... I miss you. I need you, and I love you too. Can I call you? I'm aching for your touch, your perversions, your sickness and depravity, and to be used & abused by you repeatedly."

I am addicted to her; strung out. I wish she were addicted to me. We could feed off each others like cyclic-vampires; consuming & dying. But that's not living. And she's busy with her fulfilled dreams so she won't have to dwell or fall apart like me. I've gotta recover - I KNOW she's already on the road to success and happiness.

~sigh!~

But that's just a pipe-dream, nothing more.

If I had known that the weekend visit I spent with her was the only weekend we'd ever have I'd of taken MANY more pictures. Besides, it's not like she's ever gonna feel hurt; she's loved, I'm not, but I was by her ... at least once in my lifetime.

I'd love to call her something awful but I can't. She gave me the chance to live out my dreams with her willingness and absolute beauty. She gave me the chance to know what it would be like to wake up next to her and to have dinner, to be so lucky as to have a wife like her in my life.

She smiled at me. Not a lot of people do so I have to accept that & that she's gone from my life.

She gave me treasures I can't replace nor can I discard.

When we would chat she'd tease me: "Julian maybe you need to kidnap me. Steal me away to make me your own." Had I the money I would; if I earned it now I would offer it to her with a note asking her to move to the United States. But there's another pipe-dream ... another never-gonna-happen wish/fantasy/thought.

Out of anything the hardest part was that she HAS TO ignore to stay sane. She has a lover and partner and she can't lie to that person; he'll allow her to have everything BUT me. And yes, he knows about me, and hates me. Of course, I was bird-dogging his lover so who wouldn't be mad about that? So to keep her sanity and to keep her relationship I had to go; I was a hinderance, a distraction, a bother and I can't see anything else even if she did come back.

But she's an amazing woman. Too amazing for one man, for one, lifetime, for one weekend.

So the way I see it she can have anything BUT me - and that was her choice. In the end I have to respect that and accept that and love her for it. It can be an unrequited love; she doesn't need to love me as her partner probably loves her more than I do so it's okay.

I was thinking recently that maybe we could (IF she were willing to come) give up our families, moving between our mutual countries. But she'd lose her family & friends, and that kind of sacrifice isn't for everyone.

I am trying to purge. I could extort or hurt her by posting her images but I just can't share her with the world. I promised her I'd keep her secrets, and I will not betray that, no matter what revulsion my stomach feels and how much my heart aches.

It's been 18+ days since I heard her voice, heard her responses, moans and cries of delight. In her last note she told me "perhaps in a few years I'll be in touch" or some other rhubrarb like that. It took me YEARS to find her - it's gonna take me YEARS to get over her.

Eventually my heart will heal ... it will take time but it will heal. I will write my story and my love will be sold via an e-book, and maybe a graphic novel. Of course, like this blog I may not have anyone reading it, wanting it or sending me notes about it in any way. I had hoped for a new life - I will STILL be making a new life for myself swathed in my creativity and my projects and make a name for myself.

She gave me a smile & a secret I can never let go. She gave me a friendship that was worth more than the sexual pleasures we encountered. I hate that I lost the friend as well as the lover. That's why this hurts so much.

And with all she shared with me I hope she's not the one filled with regrets or ashamed of having been so close to me. If you ever saw what she looked like you'd think "Damn, that's one ugly SOB." ~ and you'd wonder if I paid her to be with me or I was blackmailing her.

I hope one day I make her proud of me.

I miss you my angel & friend ... and I love you.

Always,







Julian Andres Gomez (Afare24get)

PUBLISHED July 28, 2009

I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You - Marc Anthony


Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming

Race the moon, catch the wind
Ride the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do

Heroes rise, heroes fall
Rise again, win it all
In your heart, can't you feel the glory?

Through our joy, through our pain
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I could spend my lifetime loving you

Though we know we will never come again
When there is love, life begins
Over and over again

Save the night, save the day
Save your love, come what may
Love is worth everything we pay

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my life time loving you

Goodbye # 08

"Drive" - The Cars


Whos gonna tell you when,
Its too late,
Whos gonna tell you things,
Arent so great.

You cant go on, thinkin,
Nothings wrong, but bye,
Whos gonna drive you home,
Tonight.?

Whos gonna pick you up,
When you fall?
Whos gonna hang it up,
When you call?

Whos gonna pay attention,
To your dreams?
And whos gonna plug their ears,
When you scream?

You cant go on, thinkin
Nothings wrong, but bye,
(whos gonna drive you)
(whos gonna drive you)
Whos gonna drive you home, tonight?
(whos gonna drive you home)

(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)

Whos gonna hold you down,
When you shake?
Whos gonna come around,
When you break?

You cant go on, thinkin,
Nothins wrong, but bye,
(whos gonna drive you)
(whos gonna drive you)
Whos gonna drive you home, tonight?
(whos gonna drive you home)

Oh, you know you cant go on, thinkin,
Nothins wrong,
(whos gonna drive you)
(whos gonna drive you home)
Whos gonna drive you home, tonight?

(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)


******* (And then there's ... ) *******

"Drive" - Incubus

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much Ill let the fear take the wheel and steer
Its driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately Im beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, Ill be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, Ill be there, Ill be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
Its driven me before, it seems to be the way
That everyone else get around
Lately, Im beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, Ill be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, Ill be there, Ill be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive
Whatever tomorrow brings, Ill be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, Ill be there, Ill be there

Goodbye # 07

"What a Fool Believes" - Doobie Brothers

Michael Mcdonald/Kenny Loggins


He came from somewhere back in her long ago
The sentimental fool dont see
Tryin hard to recreate
What had yet to be created once in her life

She musters a smile
For his nostalgic tale
Never coming near what he wanted to say
Only to realize
It never really was

She had a place in his life
He never made her think twice
As he rises to her apology
Anybody else would surely know
Hes watching her go

But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
And nothing at all keeps sending him...

Somewhere back in her long ago
Where he can still believe theres a place in her life
Someday, somewhere, she will return

She had a place in his life
He never made her think twice
As he rises to her apology
Anybody else would surely know
Hes watching her go

But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
Theres nothing at all
But what a fool believes he sees...

craigslist was a FAILURE

I tried to meet someone new on craigslist.org and it was abyssmal, and I feel awful and have a serious case of self-loathing.

Maybe something will happen.

16 responses; all fake, dead e-mails or cam sites. Nothing more.

I hate my life - but that's what happens now.

Anyway ... that's all.

Adios.

Julian

Goodbye # 06 - Thank you Phil Collins

Against All Odds (Phil Collins)

Featured on the soundtrack of "against all odds" ,1984

How can i just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When i stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all i can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what i've got to face

I wish i could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much i need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all i can do and that's what i've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos i'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance i've gotta take

Take a look at me now

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/phil+collins/against+all+odds_10205512.html

***
In Too Deep lyrics - Phil Collins

All that time I was searching, with nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go through me,
But I don't know why.

Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go through me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life Just caring bout somebody else.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/In-Too-Deep-lyrics-Phil-Collins/E854CE5FA2E6780648256E3200101B07

-----

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/phil+collins/youll+be+in+my+heart_20108086.html - I WISH This were our song!!

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/phil+collins/if+leaving+me+is+easy_20108004.html - this one gave me a laugh but it's another pipe dream.

Goodbye # 05

The Way We Were - Barbara Streisand

Mem'ries,
Light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...

Goodbye # 04

Magnet & Steel - Walter Egan

Ooh ooh ah
Now I told you so you ought to know
Ooh it takes some time for a feelin' to grow
Ooh you're so close now I can't let you go
Ooh and I can't let go
For you are a magnet and I am steel

I can't hope that I'll hold you for long
Ooh you're a woman who's lost to your song
Ooh but the love that I feel is so strong
Ooh and it can't be wrong

With you I'm not shy to show the way I feel
With you I might try my secrets to reveal
For you are a magnet and I am steel
For you are a magnet and I am steel

Saying Goodbye # 03

# 03 Blog

Night Ranger - Goodbye

As the sun hides his head
For another nights rest
And the wind sings
His same old song
And you on the edge
Never close, never far
Always there when I needed a friend
Yet it's hard living life
On this memory-go-round
Always up, always down
Spinning 'round and 'round and 'round
And all this could be
Just a dream so it seems
I was never much good at goodbye
There once was a time
Never far from my mind
On the beach, on the 4th of July
I remember the sand
How you held out your hand
And we touched for what seemed a lifetime
Now it's hard
Leaving all this behind me now
Like a schoolboy so lost
Never found until now
And all this could be
Just a dream so it seems
I was never much good at goodbye
Yet it's hard
Living life on this memory-go-round
Always up, always down
Turning 'round and 'round and 'round
And all this could be
Just a dream so it seems
I was never much good at goodbye
And all this could be
Just a dream so it seems
I was never much good at goodbye
Goodbye

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/night+ranger/goodbye_20203539.html

Saying Goodbye # 02

# 02 Blog

Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were but

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
all that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/dido/white+flag_10085283.html

Saying Goodbye # 01

# 01 Blog

Abba - SOS

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when youre near me, darling cant you hear me
S. o. s.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. o. s.
When youre gone
How can I even try to go on?
When youre gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
What happened to our love, it used to be so good

So when youre near me, darling cant you hear me
S. o. s.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. o. s.
When youre gone
How can I even try to go on?
When youre gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

So when youre near me, darling cant you hear me
S. o. s.
And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. o. s.
When youre gone
How can I even try to go on?
When youre gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
When youre gone
How can I even try to go on?
When youre gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/abba/s+o+s_20002640.html

Trying Hard To Heal

I am writing this on July 16th, think back to the day I heard the words 'I can't see you anymore', and I am tired of dwelling on this idea. I don't blame her, but it's hard NOT to think about her or wish to touch her again. I HAVE to find a way back to her across the country.

I wanted to take her away but I'm a poor teacher in Texas. I wanted to make her my own: my lover, my wife, my friend, and the mother of my children. Sadly, she's gonna do all she can to make her own happiness happen. AND she deserves it! If she were mine I wouldn't deny any bit of the pleasures of the world.

Instead I am going to have to hear she's happy somehow or some way away from my life or through the grapevine or within another means to information.

(And no ... I am NOT stalking. I am just hoping she's alright.)

I am taking a few days to publish this blog just waiting to see if she'll change her mind or not.

I am hoping she'll come back to me.

I need her in my life - even as a friend.

(I'll publish this blog on 07/21 just to give me some space!)

In all honesty I spilled my guts in ways I couldn't imagine to my local-lover, and I think she's accepting that IF I go too far in trying to fulfill my needs I may have to leave.

Alone ...

Again.

I don't know what will truly happen.

All I can do is try being honest, but I can't show you the 'man behind the curtain' just yet.

After all, a magician doesn't reveal everything at once.

Blessings,




Julian

p.s. "If she even messaged me I'd fly to her in a second."

******


Lyrics to Hard Candy Christmas
(Music and Lyrics: Carol Hall)

Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair
Maybe I'll move somewhere
Maybe I'll get a car
Maybe I'll drive so far
They'll all lose track
Me, I'll bounce right back
Maybe I'll sleep real late
Maybe I'll lose some weight
Maybe I'll clear my junk
Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine
Me, I'll be just

Fine and Dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow get me way down

Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew
Maybe I'll just lie low
Maybe I'll hit the bars
Maybe I'll count the stars until dawn
Me, I will go on

Maybe I'll settle down
Maybe I'll just leave town
Maybe I'll have some fun
Maybe I'll meet someone
And make him mine
Me, I'll be just

Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting throung tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

'Cause I'll be fine
(I'll be fine)
Oh, I'll be fine

http://www.lyricsmania.com/

http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/dolly_parton_lyrics_5039/the_best_little_whorehouse_in_texas_[soundtrack]_lyrics_16730/hard_candy_christmas_lyrics_193506.html

The Cosmic Joke

I was recently told the following phrase:

"Julian you are truly a very nice articulate man...I read your blog....I understand...hope you get what you are looking for....

Good Luck "

It crushed my heart since that same person rejected me for a moment of temporary passion and madness, and feeling as I do makes me weep in my beer.

Now I am not trying to be a dick about that person's preferences: in all fairness she was honest about me not being what she was looking for but able to let me down easily.

Girls like the bad guy - when I'm him they run!

When I'm the good guy they overlook me or act as if they're the ones losing out.

BULLSHIT! I can call a spade a spade! I know when I am being disregarded and ignored, abused and deliberately hurt.

And it's happening now.

I don't want to be rejected or to be called an idiot for my preferences, or to be told I can't have something simply because its' not in that persons' nature.

Goddammit I wanted to marry a stripper - instead I'm seeing a librarian.

I am SO fucked.

I wanted to trade my old life here in Texas for a new one in California. I almost did.

And to think my passport is finally on its' fucking way!

Maybe ... maybe next time.

Adios.

Julian