(Hopefully) My Final Goodbye

Goodbye My Angel - I Am Trying To Release You
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I guess I should have leapt long ago. She has a new life & a new series of pleasures and joys, and I have to respect that and not interfere. She is going to enjoy herself and have all that she can to make her smile.

Of course I'd love having my cake & eating it too.

It's been almost three (3) weeks since I've heard her voice, her responses, her revelations, her rebounding to all I ask of her. Maybe that's what it will take to keep me away from her.

I wish she'd rush to me, leaving notes, looking for me, saying "Julian ... I miss you. I need you, and I love you too. Can I call you? I'm aching for your touch, your perversions, your sickness and depravity, and to be used & abused by you repeatedly."

I am addicted to her; strung out. I wish she were addicted to me. We could feed off each others like cyclic-vampires; consuming & dying. But that's not living. And she's busy with her fulfilled dreams so she won't have to dwell or fall apart like me. I've gotta recover - I KNOW she's already on the road to success and happiness.

~sigh!~

But that's just a pipe-dream, nothing more.

If I had known that the weekend visit I spent with her was the only weekend we'd ever have I'd of taken MANY more pictures. Besides, it's not like she's ever gonna feel hurt; she's loved, I'm not, but I was by her ... at least once in my lifetime.

I'd love to call her something awful but I can't. She gave me the chance to live out my dreams with her willingness and absolute beauty. She gave me the chance to know what it would be like to wake up next to her and to have dinner, to be so lucky as to have a wife like her in my life.

She smiled at me. Not a lot of people do so I have to accept that & that she's gone from my life.

She gave me treasures I can't replace nor can I discard.

When we would chat she'd tease me: "Julian maybe you need to kidnap me. Steal me away to make me your own." Had I the money I would; if I earned it now I would offer it to her with a note asking her to move to the United States. But there's another pipe-dream ... another never-gonna-happen wish/fantasy/thought.

Out of anything the hardest part was that she HAS TO ignore to stay sane. She has a lover and partner and she can't lie to that person; he'll allow her to have everything BUT me. And yes, he knows about me, and hates me. Of course, I was bird-dogging his lover so who wouldn't be mad about that? So to keep her sanity and to keep her relationship I had to go; I was a hinderance, a distraction, a bother and I can't see anything else even if she did come back.

But she's an amazing woman. Too amazing for one man, for one, lifetime, for one weekend.

So the way I see it she can have anything BUT me - and that was her choice. In the end I have to respect that and accept that and love her for it. It can be an unrequited love; she doesn't need to love me as her partner probably loves her more than I do so it's okay.

I was thinking recently that maybe we could (IF she were willing to come) give up our families, moving between our mutual countries. But she'd lose her family & friends, and that kind of sacrifice isn't for everyone.

I am trying to purge. I could extort or hurt her by posting her images but I just can't share her with the world. I promised her I'd keep her secrets, and I will not betray that, no matter what revulsion my stomach feels and how much my heart aches.

It's been 18+ days since I heard her voice, heard her responses, moans and cries of delight. In her last note she told me "perhaps in a few years I'll be in touch" or some other rhubrarb like that. It took me YEARS to find her - it's gonna take me YEARS to get over her.

Eventually my heart will heal ... it will take time but it will heal. I will write my story and my love will be sold via an e-book, and maybe a graphic novel. Of course, like this blog I may not have anyone reading it, wanting it or sending me notes about it in any way. I had hoped for a new life - I will STILL be making a new life for myself swathed in my creativity and my projects and make a name for myself.

She gave me a smile & a secret I can never let go. She gave me a friendship that was worth more than the sexual pleasures we encountered. I hate that I lost the friend as well as the lover. That's why this hurts so much.

And with all she shared with me I hope she's not the one filled with regrets or ashamed of having been so close to me. If you ever saw what she looked like you'd think "Damn, that's one ugly SOB." ~ and you'd wonder if I paid her to be with me or I was blackmailing her.

I hope one day I make her proud of me.

I miss you my angel & friend ... and I love you.

Always,







Julian Andres Gomez (Afare24get)

PUBLISHED July 28, 2009

I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You - Marc Anthony


Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming

Race the moon, catch the wind
Ride the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do

Heroes rise, heroes fall
Rise again, win it all
In your heart, can't you feel the glory?

Through our joy, through our pain
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I could spend my lifetime loving you

Though we know we will never come again
When there is love, life begins
Over and over again

Save the night, save the day
Save your love, come what may
Love is worth everything we pay

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my life time loving you