Time for details: took my chances at my certification for teaching high school students at the end of June. I got my scores today & learned I missed passing (at a minimum) by 4 lousy points.
FOUR FUCKING POINTS!
So I'm a little upset, a little angry, I feel cheated, and I am anxious, ready to do more harm than good to this old world.
But I've also had lunch, my dogs love me, and my family pities me more than they're angry with me.
And that's even sadder ... it doesn't feel right that my younger cousins and such are going, "Awwww dude, you fucked up again."
It keeps seeming like there's more failure than acceptance and victory. I don't have the place I want, the people or moments in my life, or even want to give up my dreams. By now most others would have tossed in the towel, but I can't. I've chased this dream too far to be unsuccessful or to worry any longer.
I can't give up, even though I am losing my personal possessions and identity, wanting to move to be the "Inner Me", the one I know will not survive here in Texas.
So I am rubbing my balls from the metaphorical kick-in-the-groin the test gave me, and I am going to encase myself in my shabby, hot little fuckin' studio, trying a little harder to make the art work as well as the writing. I'll be angry, unhappy, and weep a little today.
Tomorrow, this bullshit goes fuckin' bye-bye and I trudge on.
~sigh!~
Okay, exhaling ...
Ciao.
~ j ~
p.s. "Here's last years' test results & my previous sadness: Zip!"
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