NERDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

This is Kayden Kross. I'm adding her here because she was born in 1985, the same year I graduated high school at 17 in Texas.

Despite the age difference, I'm sure this blonde pixie has had MORE sex than I can ever imagine. In fact, go here for some examples of what's she that I wish I could be involved in from time to time ... or perpetually.



And this is me.

Yes, I need a nerd alert button.

It's true. I am one.




I am trying to do better by myself, for myself, for my personal-esteem and balance. But there are times I still feel like that geeky chubby kid I was in high school.



A lot of times you hear, "God I wish I had the knowledge I have know back when I was a kid." And sometimes that's a certain truth in your life: you're learning, you're always learning, and as you get older, you feel cheated because you either didn't live up to your potential or you didn't take more chances.



You become angry with yourself for all those short-comings, and you hate many things around you.

And knowing you can't match yourself to your idols or dreams makes you all the sadder.

That's why you read such silly things, like Heavy Metal magazine, and you play Dungeons & Dragons. You carried them in your book bag next to Robert E. Howard and Ray Bradbury, and with your notebook and sketchpad, doodling, hoping someone would compliment you instead of saying, "That looks fuckin' lousy, man. Why don't you give up that shit?"



Then you hide your feelings, fail yourself, and hate the world a little more each day.

Then one day you take a chance.

You fail, take it out on your journals, or sketchbooks, and hide them all, hoping to never visit those feelings again, wishing you could be all you've ever wanted and hoped for: good-looking, popular, and most of all ... wanted.



Not needed, but wanted. Someone wants you ... you make their day with your words or smile.



And wanted because you want them the way they want you ... equally, liberally, and without hesitation. And that's not easy to find in this world.

Now sometimes you need new role-models, and I don't know if she qualifies but this is one I have in the back of my mind for more than self-spanking materials.




THIS is Sasha Grey, who supposedly went from home-schooling as a genius to modeling to porn, then to mainstream acting and BACK to porn.

She could be one of the few having her cake and eating it too. See this poll for more details.

I don't know if this is the path I want. I am waiting to hear if I am now a certified Texas teacher. I know I have been as honest as possible, looking for just a little pleasure in life, to no avail.

I make people nervous, and I'm not good-looking. I try being supportive, consoling, and warm but that doesn't matter. And as hard as I tried, confident always comes out as egotistical and self-centered.

Personally I see myself as really fuckin' hideous.

But that's the insecure nerd in me coming out ...

Ciao.



~ j ~


p.s. "The icons above came from this site: Spoongraphics. Lots of good stuff.