Failing Life Altogether

Today I went to West Telemarketing, did a data-entry test, and I was unable to see my dreams. I could not see that I am seeing that I have no where else to turn in my life. I have to make new inroads in my dreams or they will turn to dust and be the stagnation of my heart & soul. I don't want to really help people any more; I don't care about a lot of things like many people don't care for me in many ways so I can accept the job I am being offered.

The training starts on the 14th of July, the day after my birthday. Sadly, since my birthday is on a Sunday there will be little for me to do but have breakfast with my family. Last year my 40th birthday, which SHOULD have been a milestone in life, was really a fuckin' millstone, and a waste of time. I hated it, and I hate a lot of people now in my life, wishing to be more alone than I am now.

Will I be forgotten, dust to sand to memory to nothing ... is my life that vacuous that all I have is my blog, my hopes and my dog? Am I prone to living life alone, or is it my destiny? Should I fly someone into my bed from another state, another life, and make myself a little happier than I am now? Or should I be content with the lack of life & love & loyalty that I see from the so-called fucko's i have worked for and with for so very long?!

I have contemplated suicide in the past; but who'll watch my beautiful dog or pay off my bills? My siblings? My ancient parents? I'm better off living so they don't have to suffer for or with my flaws. I was SO fuckin' close to being done with this horse-shit and I could have gone into the limitless ennui of teaching, and been making enough money to move myself and Blondie (my dog) into a small home for her to have a yard and a garage for my hobbies so the house would look like a respectable bachelor lives in it. Who cares if there's frame grindhouse movie posters in the halls, or colorfully garish walls and coffee-cups galore and pictures of my friends and past achievements, such as a few of the comics I published, and some of my favorite paintings though I feel as if Henry Darger lives in my house. I wonder if I'll make my own 'Vivian Girls' saga, found only to make others either question my life or sanity.

I am tired, and my dog is lying on my futon watching 'The Oblongs' on Cartoon Network. I wish I still had some courage left in me but it's been spilt with the blood in brawls, drunken mistakes, wasted tears and wailing to a non-existant entity that I fear and ignore simultaneously.

When I visited West Telemarketing, I was appalled at how people showed up dressed for working in an office environment. They looked quite shabby & grotesque; I'm not wearing designer duds from Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Old Navy or anything similar. I just made sure my shirt was pressed, I had polished my shoes, and looked like a professional. (See example below for grossness of others at West ... fuckin' vile!) Even after all the hubabaloo, when I returned to school, my classmates told me I looked quite spiffy, which made me smile since it was all the cute girls. ~lol!~

Today wasn't a great day as I've hit the realities of not selling my soul, and the foilbes of being a dreamer and not a profiteer to life. I am prostituting my gift of gab that I'd rather spoil my lovers with on the elderly to have them purchase consumable services.

For now I'll just see what happens.

Always,

Julian

p.s. "Enjoy the music ... it's one of the few things that makes me smile."




Adele - Chasing Pavements Lyrics

I’ve made up my mind
don’t need to think it over
if I’m wrong i am right
don’t need to look no further
this ain’t lust i know this is love

but if i tell the world
I’ll never say enough
cos it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

i build myself up
and fly around in circles
waiting as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

or should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

yeaaah ehh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i new my place should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep on chasing pavements
should i just keep on chasing pavements

ooooohhh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where

http://www.musicloversgroup.com/adele-chasing-pavements-video-lyrics-and-review/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0