I was feeling high last night; I made one billable sale last night at my job in the telemarketting offices here in town. Right now I am listening to 'The Great Gig in the Sky', and I am wondering what is keeping me from selling myself? I sold someone else's things, made them happy, and made my boss happy, but is that enough? Can't I be happy & satisfied? I mean in knowing that I have contributed to making the world a better place than it was before?
Does music nurture your soul? When I go to work, I listen to 88.3 FM for classical music, and when I come home, I pour out 97.7 ROCK or 99.5 KISS, expressing myself to unleash all I kept reigned in when I was at my job. I suddenly find myself driving faster, running my car harder, weaving between other cars, moving like a leopard on the hunt, dying to get home or to eat somewhere that I can sit & just 'feel' my own heartbeat. I can 'feel' my pulse, my needs, my drive and then wonder why I am not doing this JUST as the artist I am deep inside my own heart, questioning my personal motives or ideas.
I just need to do it, period.
Last week, I was in the cubicles, seeing where my future lay, wondering if this was all there was to my current incarnation of myself. I asked the girl manning the phone, "Do you like this job?"
"It's a good job", she replied softly, before returning to the robotic motions of her hands and computer, interacting and clicking and entering data. She had nothing else to say to me on the subject, nor any special thing to teach me about my future job or the sterile location or collection of assorted pseudo-professional people with headsets reacting to calls as if they were in "GlenGary GlennRoss", wheeling and dealing.
And that's when the hallucinations kicked in: suddenly, the office supervisor who gently patted me into the space next to the girl I chatted with was on the floor, being devoured by the monstrous members of the office pool, men & women of all ages & sizes rending him apart. People in cubicles has destroyed or ruined faces, limbs missing, bloodied clothing, and yet, they were answering phones, speaking with soft, dull growlings and grumblings, moaning and moving in a shambling mess of death and sadness. Lights flickered, grue stained the walls and floor, machines were sparking or on fire, but still, the zombies did their office job without question. A cold bead ran down my spine, and I was shaking in my clothing, looking around, seeing them surrounding me quickly, but not moving to kill me. I think they embraced me, looking at poor heartbroken Jules as one of their own.
And that's not good in any way.
Art has not sold, things are given away, and I just don't care to be sad. And the bills need to be paid, such as rent, phone bill, satellite, car payment, and everything else necessary to get by before
THIS WEEK I did it myself, and I felt that I was unable but able, thinking to myself, 'If given a task or job, I can do it, no matter how dull or depressing.'
Then I realized that should not be my motiavtion: money. And yet, I've been on a centrifugal track always spinning in a path away from authority, toward destruction, and hapless and divided. I am always going without a path, letting my feelings run the show, being more unable to make myself work or want to work within the confines of the madness of this life, this masquearede of sobriety, of sense, of delight or desire.
I do NOT want to be a cubcile zombie.
Now I am not the only one fearing this idea. I thought there would be no basis so I put it into a 'Google' search and there were the images & ideas! BAM! Now I know it's not just me, so I am rational in having bought a copy of "The Zombie Survival Guide" this weekend at Waldenbooks Sunday after church. So I MUST make a greater effort by going to the art store, grabbing some supplies, and working harder than before on my art & fears and creating something viable.
Without it I am doomed and damned.
Adios for now,
Julian
http://www.supertouchart.com/2007/10/31/nycsneek-peeksupertouch-halloween-show-tonite/ - see all art
http://www.worth1000.com/contest.asp?contest_id=17134&display=photoshop
http://cubiclezombie.com/ - future art & card business
http://weirdweirdworld.com/browse/show/1216
http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/zombiesurvivalguide/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Zombie_Survival_Guide
2 comments:
There are things and moments when we 'do' just to survive. But in those moments, do we look for something else, deeper, answering our questions to the "why and how in the hell did I get here and how can I get out?" It sounds like you've had one of those moments. So, if it motivates (or music as your vice does) you to get back to your art, your creation, something you have passion in, then not only are you surviving, you are on the path to reviving yourself to what you know you should be. And then you can crush the massacre of cubicle zombie life away, knowing you're not going to succumb to the daily droll, the pit that so many fall into. You are going to be what you most want to be: You.
After a session in the telemarketting rooms/cubicles I am beginning to see that I may need to leave this job. But that's another blog ... thanks for your input & words lollypopgirl! ;-)
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