Why Isn't Life Like the Movies? - Reprint

(Begun December 12, 2007 - ended today)
It's drizzling, cold and grey here in San Antonio, and a warm comforter, goose-down or soft, willing flesh would make my day better. "You Only Live Twice" is on my DVD player, as I came in late when it was on satellite, and nothing else good was on, so here we are, watching & playing it. Bond has just taken a new (pretend) wife after his lover was killed - Poisoned!- by an assassin. My favorite part is the climax, where Bond & a group of grey-clad commandoes slide down a volcano tunnel to fight the bad guys bringing the world onto the brink of war. (God, the Cold War seems like such a distant memory now. Russia has been found in debt, incompetent and losing control of the people they once ruled with an Iron Fist. Villainy is not as clear-cut as before, the stop and need for a resolution is gone, and everyone fights to be #1, not working with others. Cooperation and companionship
is an ancient desire ruled by old men such as myself and my old dreams.

And yet I am a hedonist deep in my heart. Deep in my soul I know that I am a deviate, a perv, and not wanting to change. Like drugs or alcohol, sex and my nasty little moments all fill the sense of lonliness that makes me smile before I despair again.)

~Sigh!~

Why don't we have a soundtrack for our moments and minutia and control the chaos with a few weeks of learning of our problem, even with the fast-track montage of time passing quickly? I want to see my chaos & interruptions resolved quickly, without a mess (or taxes) and for little to know effort. I want to wakl away from everything smelling like roses and not look back. But I know that I can't and I will have something occur, from the taxman to the need to be good.

I'm through with standing in line
To clubs we'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
And I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me what you want)

Rockstar lyrics - Nickleback

WHY be good?! Why not hide my conscience? After all, isn't being good just a shallow way for the whining to cloud my better choices? I mean, turning the other cheek, does that make my life richer? Does it bring me out of hock? Pay my credit card bills? Make my Blondie find small gifts at her crate, and my friends find presents in their pockets and on their dashboards and at their schools and homes? We all deserve fresh flowers, to breathe calm air and to giggle often and not wonder where our money will come from day by day.

Can I hang my pictures in a small gallery as examples and be able to make sales for portraits? Simple, quick, warm, and people want more More MORE - of them for linging my pockets and making my days easier and my worry disappear? Maybe a little cyber-begging would turn the key for me; sympathy for the Loser. Is that so ridiculous? I guess that's why I love watching movies while I write: white noise, something to filter out the din of 'doing right' ... and I get a good laugh knowing ALL these idiotic characters will suddenly find their way out of their predicament in less than 20 days, or in movie time, 40 minutes. It doesn't matter what ludicriuos amount of money you need, it WILL be grasped/won/stolen/found and noone will be the wiser or unnnerved or unchanged by it, except in doing good.

I present the following fallicies of fiction:

* Just My Luck - Lindsay Lohan follows her inborn lucky streak by kissing all the guys she met at a party after losing her luck to one of them. In the end she gets the guy, her luck, and a slip of happiness with the geek in the movie. "In reality those girls NEVER go out with guys like me."

* Uptown Girls - Hillary & Halie Duff lose their fortune and their homes and find themselves lost amid working stiffs, wanna-be's, and without the where-with-all to continue their lifestyle until they are rediscovered and a fortune hits them. "Working for a living? These pampered princesses would have found themselves among the other singel-moms and naieve babes all swinging around the same brass pole or hoping to snag a better 'husband'/'daddy' figure for their caretaking and welfare."

* Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead - Christina Applegate has to care for her younger siblings after the baby-sitter dies and they bury her with all the money mom left them for the summer. In the end, she earns respect, admiration, and a better relationship with her mother. "In reality the children would have gone into prositution, drugs and to Child Welfare. What a fuckin' joke!"

* Dodge Ball - A gym owner (lacking any tone & definition on his body) finds himself in need of $50,000 before the end of the month to keep his gym from being closed and bought by a conglomerate wanting to be rid of it. He wins a dodge-ball tounrnament to get the
prize-money! "Why isn't there a cyber-sex for-money website for women longing for men?"

"Hello. I'm calling about a personal matter. Please call back at 1-800 .... * and use the number 5002**", said the electronic, high-pitched droning voice on the answering machine. Meaning I owe someone money.

.....
I think that's why I'll go in the following direction and see the pessimistic (and sometimes redemptive) but more realistic idea(s) instead in movies:

* Dead Presidents - in the end you WILL get caught, no matter the measures!
* A Clockwork Orange - in the end noone really changes, no matter the reformation.
* Caligula - in the end you WILL die no matter how you lived.
* The Devil in Miss Jones - in the end nooone is REALLY satisfied.
* The Wild Bunch - in the end you might take your friends with you if you fuck up that badly.

Maybe I need to do something more. Leave here, write more, calm down, use my Myspace & Multiply accounts more often and send people around, redirecting them to the words I am trying to get imagined into my life. Too many maybes ... a lot of gambling. I lose, and I lose more than I've ever lost before. One of my friends here asked me if I had any addictions.
I do:

- Drinking excessivesly to the point of blackouts & memory loss.
- Gambling, whether cards, horses or even Lotto. Always a get-rich scheme.
- Sex, as I am hedonistically inclined, and WILL cheat, no matter how amazing she (or he) is with me.
- Violence, as I don't go looking for trouble but id DOES find me.

Just gotta try, right?

Thanks for listening.

~j~