I have tired for a while to write this entry, and it's been a little difficult. It's 1:30 a/m, Saturday night (or Sunday morning) and I realized I hit a dog with my car. I was careless, going faster than I should have, and hit a large dog. I swerved, trying not to hit to dog, then skidded,and stopped about 140 feet away from it. Since I was with my brother I had to hear his banal expulsion of "why I need glasses" and "blah-blah-blah save your money" speech.
Then he said something very poignant: "That could have been a child."
In that respect, he's right. I wondered, for a short time, was this animal wounded? Was it whimperingin misery and pain? Did it need to be put out of its' misery now or would it's owner be able to care for it the right way, treating or euthanizing it tonight? Would it have to live in agony until it died a slow, horrible death hours or days later?
I try being a good advocate for animals, walking my own daily, feeding her and giving her treats just because I can, like beef jerky or bits of the meat in my meals. She has water daily, and I try taking her out as often as possible when home so she's always clear of the liquids in her body. She goes tothe vet more than I go to the doctor, and I want only the best for her. I also know my life: money spent is because there's not enough for many things: I can have a nice meal but not a nice date, I can afford insurance but barely my schooling, living off loans and eating my own tears. That's why my profile made mention of me being a 'failure', as my own self-lablelled position in life. I need to visit the doctor but would rather get a lapdance since I can't afford a hospital stay or even medicine without insurance.
And like the dog I can't spill my shame anywhere but here.
Am I so blind morally that I can't afford to see my need for change, or am I too reckless to accept what's the Truth? Has depavity completely taken over inside my blackened soul or is there a chance for redemption?
Do I even want it, or should I accept the "only the strong survive" like the Church of Satan would wish for me to accept and acquire in my life?
Or am I just mad? Angry for being poor, knowing how my family & friends would shun me IF I truly followed my hopes and dreams, making a future and a life in erotica instead of in teaching? Could they ever accept me again or would I be risking leaving all I've known dying the way the dog died, at my own hand?
Part of me is so crushed that it died. Another part of me is angry that noone went looking for it, or found it outside and was crying over it. That dog wore a collar; it was not a posession, but it should have been important. If it were my dog I'd be inconsolable.
No answers tonight - maybe later.
Julian
In that respect, he's right. I wondered, for a short time, was this animal wounded? Was it whimperingin misery and pain? Did it need to be put out of its' misery now or would it's owner be able to care for it the right way, treating or euthanizing it tonight? Would it have to live in agony until it died a slow, horrible death hours or days later?
I try being a good advocate for animals, walking my own daily, feeding her and giving her treats just because I can, like beef jerky or bits of the meat in my meals. She has water daily, and I try taking her out as often as possible when home so she's always clear of the liquids in her body. She goes tothe vet more than I go to the doctor, and I want only the best for her. I also know my life: money spent is because there's not enough for many things: I can have a nice meal but not a nice date, I can afford insurance but barely my schooling, living off loans and eating my own tears. That's why my profile made mention of me being a 'failure', as my own self-lablelled position in life. I need to visit the doctor but would rather get a lapdance since I can't afford a hospital stay or even medicine without insurance.
And like the dog I can't spill my shame anywhere but here.
Am I so blind morally that I can't afford to see my need for change, or am I too reckless to accept what's the Truth? Has depavity completely taken over inside my blackened soul or is there a chance for redemption?
Do I even want it, or should I accept the "only the strong survive" like the Church of Satan would wish for me to accept and acquire in my life?
Or am I just mad? Angry for being poor, knowing how my family & friends would shun me IF I truly followed my hopes and dreams, making a future and a life in erotica instead of in teaching? Could they ever accept me again or would I be risking leaving all I've known dying the way the dog died, at my own hand?
Part of me is so crushed that it died. Another part of me is angry that noone went looking for it, or found it outside and was crying over it. That dog wore a collar; it was not a posession, but it should have been important. If it were my dog I'd be inconsolable.
No answers tonight - maybe later.
Julian
p.s. "I typed in 'poor dog' as the search parameters for a picture from Photobucket and I found this. Poor sad creature - some asshole hit it with acid. I also found a bunch of pictures that looked like Danish bestiality porno which unnerved me. Yeesh!"
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