Thinking Carefully

I've been trying to make my dreams come into fruition, but I've been lacking funds or desires. Some days I'm a manic, working like a fiend, some days I'm wishing for something that's damned impossible, some days I want to give up & accept mediocrity.

But in the next few days I'll either make a half-assed attempt or I'll wait just a little longer and take a bigger gamble.

Scrambling to succeed either way.

Hope your dreams come true too.

Always,




Julian

Writer's Block

I think I have Writer's Block & I am having trouble coming to end one chapter with a friend of mine.




Her efforts have been heroic and encouraging as I have spent the last year downloading porn, ignoring posting, and blogging with a broken soul.

I've been adding & writing crap that means little to nothing to my dreams, aside from a few request or personal stories (which garnered very little attention at all).



So, before I begin posting applications with the schools I don't want to see come to fruition versus the dream of being an erotic, self-supporting writer, I am admitting that I am impotent.

Mentally impotent. I was physically impotent last year, and slowly, it's changed to where I can finally enjoy myself physically. Now the flabby body must meet the wicked sick mind and entwined I should become a sex god.

But, I've gotta write something successful first.

Soon, I hope.

Ciao.






Julian

Wow - Canada

I love Canada for all the right reasons: kind people, clean streets, excellent beer, and God Help Me - some of the damned sexiest women I could ever have imagined in my LIFE!!

Not just on-line but in real life, not including Pamela Anderson, Lanny Barbie, Michael Cera, and Cheezies and Tim Horton coffee.



But this little device has worried me.

****

VICTORIA, British Columbia, July 29 (UPI) -- British Columbia has dropped use of a device aimed at determining whether teens have deviant sexual tendencies while it investigates the test.

The "penile plethysmograph" is attached to the genitals while a teenage boy views pornography and listens to erotica. Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond, the government child welfare watchdog, said she only learned about the device last week from the provincial Civil Liberties Association, the Vancouver Sun reported.

The Youth Forensic Psychiatric Service has tested teenagers referred by the courts for 20 years to determine whether they are likely to commit new sex crimes.

"I doubt there's a judge in B.C. who has any idea that adolescents being referred to this service are being shown pornographic material while having a device attached to their penis," Turpel-Lafond said.

Annabel Webb, head of Justice for Girls, called the device "abusive."

Robert Holmes, president of the Civil Liberties Association, suggested there are also questions about the test's reliability, calling it "problematic."

Original Story

And then there's ...

Canadian Celebrities

Canadian Porn Starlets

Vancouver Prostitutes story

Feeling Poetic & Sad

Some days I want to know my whole life
hasn't been a waste

Some days I want to see all my books
around me again

Some days I want to know I won't be
humiliated by my darkest secrets
or weep openly

Some days I want to feel less paranoid
than I do now

And some days I want to be so honest
the glare makes others step back
and see their own reflection

Right now I feel weak

Powerless

Impotent

Worthless, like a failure.

My dreams seem so damned dead

My life feels worthless and used

My thoughts are recycled because I
can't process anything new

And some days I want a voice to
stroke my hair

To tell me I am beautiful despite my inner
and outer ugliness

And to love me

As much as I could love them, secrets
and all.

Some day just hasn't come yet ...

Failed Again

Time for details: took my chances at my certification for teaching high school students at the end of June. I got my scores today & learned I missed passing (at a minimum) by 4 lousy points.

FOUR FUCKING POINTS!

So I'm a little upset, a little angry, I feel cheated, and I am anxious, ready to do more harm than good to this old world.

But I've also had lunch, my dogs love me, and my family pities me more than they're angry with me.

And that's even sadder ... it doesn't feel right that my younger cousins and such are going, "Awwww dude, you fucked up again."

It keeps seeming like there's more failure than acceptance and victory. I don't have the place I want, the people or moments in my life, or even want to give up my dreams. By now most others would have tossed in the towel, but I can't. I've chased this dream too far to be unsuccessful or to worry any longer.

I can't give up, even though I am losing my personal possessions and identity, wanting to move to be the "Inner Me", the one I know will not survive here in Texas.

So I am rubbing my balls from the metaphorical kick-in-the-groin the test gave me, and I am going to encase myself in my shabby, hot little fuckin' studio, trying a little harder to make the art work as well as the writing. I'll be angry, unhappy, and weep a little today.

Tomorrow, this bullshit goes fuckin' bye-bye and I trudge on.

~sigh!~

Okay, exhaling ...

Ciao.




~ j ~

p.s. "Here's last years' test results & my previous sadness: Zip!"

Good Advice

Sometimes you only get one chance in life at someone so spectacular they're gonna be with you until the day you die.

Find more videos like this on video.filestube.com.

I posted a little note about adult starlet (and media icon) Taylor Wane on my blog earlier this year, and when I saw this I thought: "Now that's some good advice."

And every so often my love for her is rekindled when she pops up on something like "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" so that's always a smile while watching television & making notes in my journals.



So here's a little about what I said (in the previous blog here) regarding this delicious lady and her video giving all of us guys good advice.

And someone painted this gorgeous lady here!



Here's more of her at Freeones directly & her Wikipedia page. I didn't know she wanted to be a teacher! Maybe she'll be at the Learning Annex like Nina Hartley ...



Ciao for now gang. Hope this has given you some inspirations as well as smiles.

Always,




Julian

NERDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

This is Kayden Kross. I'm adding her here because she was born in 1985, the same year I graduated high school at 17 in Texas.

Despite the age difference, I'm sure this blonde pixie has had MORE sex than I can ever imagine. In fact, go here for some examples of what's she that I wish I could be involved in from time to time ... or perpetually.



And this is me.

Yes, I need a nerd alert button.

It's true. I am one.




I am trying to do better by myself, for myself, for my personal-esteem and balance. But there are times I still feel like that geeky chubby kid I was in high school.



A lot of times you hear, "God I wish I had the knowledge I have know back when I was a kid." And sometimes that's a certain truth in your life: you're learning, you're always learning, and as you get older, you feel cheated because you either didn't live up to your potential or you didn't take more chances.



You become angry with yourself for all those short-comings, and you hate many things around you.

And knowing you can't match yourself to your idols or dreams makes you all the sadder.

That's why you read such silly things, like Heavy Metal magazine, and you play Dungeons & Dragons. You carried them in your book bag next to Robert E. Howard and Ray Bradbury, and with your notebook and sketchpad, doodling, hoping someone would compliment you instead of saying, "That looks fuckin' lousy, man. Why don't you give up that shit?"



Then you hide your feelings, fail yourself, and hate the world a little more each day.

Then one day you take a chance.

You fail, take it out on your journals, or sketchbooks, and hide them all, hoping to never visit those feelings again, wishing you could be all you've ever wanted and hoped for: good-looking, popular, and most of all ... wanted.



Not needed, but wanted. Someone wants you ... you make their day with your words or smile.



And wanted because you want them the way they want you ... equally, liberally, and without hesitation. And that's not easy to find in this world.

Now sometimes you need new role-models, and I don't know if she qualifies but this is one I have in the back of my mind for more than self-spanking materials.




THIS is Sasha Grey, who supposedly went from home-schooling as a genius to modeling to porn, then to mainstream acting and BACK to porn.

She could be one of the few having her cake and eating it too. See this poll for more details.

I don't know if this is the path I want. I am waiting to hear if I am now a certified Texas teacher. I know I have been as honest as possible, looking for just a little pleasure in life, to no avail.

I make people nervous, and I'm not good-looking. I try being supportive, consoling, and warm but that doesn't matter. And as hard as I tried, confident always comes out as egotistical and self-centered.

Personally I see myself as really fuckin' hideous.

But that's the insecure nerd in me coming out ...

Ciao.



~ j ~


p.s. "The icons above came from this site: Spoongraphics. Lots of good stuff.