Happy 4th of July 2008!!

Many Blessings & Much Love!



All I can hope is you're having fun.



Hopefully, there's no burn ban in your area of the country!





Blessings,


Julian

Failing Life Altogether

Today I went to West Telemarketing, did a data-entry test, and I was unable to see my dreams. I could not see that I am seeing that I have no where else to turn in my life. I have to make new inroads in my dreams or they will turn to dust and be the stagnation of my heart & soul. I don't want to really help people any more; I don't care about a lot of things like many people don't care for me in many ways so I can accept the job I am being offered.

The training starts on the 14th of July, the day after my birthday. Sadly, since my birthday is on a Sunday there will be little for me to do but have breakfast with my family. Last year my 40th birthday, which SHOULD have been a milestone in life, was really a fuckin' millstone, and a waste of time. I hated it, and I hate a lot of people now in my life, wishing to be more alone than I am now.

Will I be forgotten, dust to sand to memory to nothing ... is my life that vacuous that all I have is my blog, my hopes and my dog? Am I prone to living life alone, or is it my destiny? Should I fly someone into my bed from another state, another life, and make myself a little happier than I am now? Or should I be content with the lack of life & love & loyalty that I see from the so-called fucko's i have worked for and with for so very long?!

I have contemplated suicide in the past; but who'll watch my beautiful dog or pay off my bills? My siblings? My ancient parents? I'm better off living so they don't have to suffer for or with my flaws. I was SO fuckin' close to being done with this horse-shit and I could have gone into the limitless ennui of teaching, and been making enough money to move myself and Blondie (my dog) into a small home for her to have a yard and a garage for my hobbies so the house would look like a respectable bachelor lives in it. Who cares if there's frame grindhouse movie posters in the halls, or colorfully garish walls and coffee-cups galore and pictures of my friends and past achievements, such as a few of the comics I published, and some of my favorite paintings though I feel as if Henry Darger lives in my house. I wonder if I'll make my own 'Vivian Girls' saga, found only to make others either question my life or sanity.

I am tired, and my dog is lying on my futon watching 'The Oblongs' on Cartoon Network. I wish I still had some courage left in me but it's been spilt with the blood in brawls, drunken mistakes, wasted tears and wailing to a non-existant entity that I fear and ignore simultaneously.

When I visited West Telemarketing, I was appalled at how people showed up dressed for working in an office environment. They looked quite shabby & grotesque; I'm not wearing designer duds from Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Old Navy or anything similar. I just made sure my shirt was pressed, I had polished my shoes, and looked like a professional. (See example below for grossness of others at West ... fuckin' vile!) Even after all the hubabaloo, when I returned to school, my classmates told me I looked quite spiffy, which made me smile since it was all the cute girls. ~lol!~

Today wasn't a great day as I've hit the realities of not selling my soul, and the foilbes of being a dreamer and not a profiteer to life. I am prostituting my gift of gab that I'd rather spoil my lovers with on the elderly to have them purchase consumable services.

For now I'll just see what happens.

Always,

Julian

p.s. "Enjoy the music ... it's one of the few things that makes me smile."




Adele - Chasing Pavements Lyrics

I’ve made up my mind
don’t need to think it over
if I’m wrong i am right
don’t need to look no further
this ain’t lust i know this is love

but if i tell the world
I’ll never say enough
cos it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

i build myself up
and fly around in circles
waiting as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

or should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

yeaaah ehh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i new my place should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep on chasing pavements
should i just keep on chasing pavements

ooooohhh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where

http://www.musicloversgroup.com/adele-chasing-pavements-video-lyrics-and-review/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0

Dessicated tears

Some days my life feels as if it's spinning out of control, and more than anything, I FUCKIN' LOVE the whilrwind I'm in from day to day. My mind is racing like mad with thoughts as to what I'll do short of prostitution and cyber-begging to maintain my dignity and to stop borrowing money from friends.

Since the university of horse-shit has completely denied my enty in any way I have to have some fucking class to get by in the fall. IF I lose my spot I'll need to reenter and resubmit and reapply for all the crap placements necessary to get in just to fuckin' work like a broke-ass slave for the asswipes at the college & the school I'll be assigned to in the Spring.

GODDAMMIT!!!

I don't want to hear how 'Thing's will come in their time', or 'Patience is a virtue' ... 'Patience my ass, I'm gonna fucking kill something!'

That's my motto.

Gary Jules » Mad World Lyrics

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

Today's Delusions & Tears

"For all it's worth I'm sorry I'm a bad man ... "

"Two tiny dogs (chihuaha & smaller, very puppy), just passed me. I slowed down so as not to hit them. The urge to grab them up & take them home came over me & I had to supress it. I almost got them but I realized I have no snacks & no means. God please watch them since I can't. I'm so sorry."

(taken from my cell phone)

I still feel very bad and maybe it's my own battle with OCD that I have tried to save the strays here in San Antonio, snatching them & running them up to ACS (Animal Control Services) to hopefully find new homes and families who will love them and treasure them so very much. Dogs deserve to be loved, and so do people willing to want something greater in life.

I don't - not in any fuckin' way.

I keep crushing myself and my own heart deep inside, and the inner soul-sucking of my paraiah-like attitude keeps me from being loveable. My sister & her husband are adopting a baby from one of her cousins' who almost aborted the angel. I am so fuckin' scared as I am turning 41 this fuckin' summer and have NO children. I am alone, with no heirs, lineage, or descendents. I am dying so very slowly and feel my heart bleeding for the fact that I can't fix every-fucking-thing I have a problem with each & every day.

My OCD got the better of me & I left the library I was working at & went looking for them. I searched the streets around the area where they crossed me, wondering if they wandered towards the sounds of people, maybe for scraps of food, or to a home where they knew there would be shelter and safety. I circled around a few times, and at one little L-shaped street, I found two dogs wrestling in the street. A group of 'homies' looked at me, and I tore one of the beef jerky snacks I had (along with a beer box in case I needed to hold them) and toss them out the car window to both dogs. I don't recall hearing anything ... maybe it was the quiet that told me maybe they didn't believe what they saw me do at that moment.

Maybe it was a sign of weakness to them, or maybe a unfulfilled need that they wouldn't fulfill out of pride or stubborness.

Maybe I don't really know what I am doing or why. All I do know is that I am finding myself crying more often, chatting and spending too much money I no longer have. GOD ALMIGHTY! My fuckin' phone bill for last month was close to $500 for my cell, home & DSL line. I'm outta my goddamned skull to keep doing this bullshit to myself.

~sigh~

Maybe God will present me with six (6) winning numbers in a dream for the Saturday night Lotto. Maybe I'll just take my own life & raze the people closest to me in my apartment complex.

Too many maybe's ...

No definites.

Good night.

Julian

p.s. "I wrote this at the local university on my way home back

through the streets to my shitty little apartment. As I drove home

I saw both dogs moving around one of the houses at the

corner where they crossed my path. I saw that

they lived in a house where (obviously) they weren't supervised.

Soon they could wind up killed for negligence. It makes my heart

very heavy & sad." ~J~

Goodbye George - I'm Praying For You!

George Carlin passed away this week and he will be missed. He was a riot on-stage, live and wild, untamed and satisfying to the mind and soul. I always wished I could express myself like he does: free-falling, never worrying about a parachute or the pavement, just waiting for the chance to fall.

And like a leaf on the wind ... he floated away from our lives. A strong gust took him earlier this week and he will be missed greatly.

I am posting a couple of his better rants and stories, and hoping you'll appreciate him as much as I do.

Always,


Julian

A Slight Obsession

Some days you can't help yourself. The pictures come in, the names pile up, and they all want something wicked you can only provide to them from time to time, not repeatedly, and that makes you nuts.

You're addicted.

Seriously, and there's nothing you can do to slide out of it.

More women, younger & older, infect your life, in ways you never dreamed of in the past,and you're loving it feeling like you're in your 20's and a rock star. You just can't help yourself and you love it more than is possible. Blurry-eyed, you can stare and you can watch and wish and recall her voice, her words, her images on video-cam & in the pictures she willingly sent you.
Is that what you're feeling when your heart races and your stomach lurches in anticipation, and you dream about her, licking your lips, feeling her body in your dreams ... wishing for so much more than you'll both ever deserve?

Madness?

Obsession?

Perversion?

Insanity?

Addiction?

Has she truly accepted you want her so badly you're willing to ruin both your lives for her?Or are you a momentary lapse of reason?

Escape your obsession - let her heart fly away. Without it she's gonna be ruined.

Love her from afar.

What else can you do?

Maybe ... maybe not.

~J~

On Phone Sex

And thus at one of my favorite websites, I enjoy a room for chatters called "Phone" or some variation therein. What appeals to the pervert in me is the idea of instant gratification!

BAM!! When done right a man should be coming hard & moaning in total abandon to the caller choosing to submit himself to the desires in his closet of perversions.

I have to let you know that phone sex is amazing! WOW! I totally enjoy the lust of hearing someone breathing fast moaning whimpering gasping losing ALL control of themselves in the depths of a fantasy. it doesn't matter what we (as men) want, but what matters to women; if we can't satisfy them, we're going to be a very disappointing call & it's doubtful you'll get someone addicted to your voice.

*****

However, I have to wonder what the deal is with the small talk and the problems in these questions used in Phone Chat room at Literotica:

Where are you from? = Stalking?!

What are you wearing/Are you dressed? = Would YOU be dressed here?!

What turns you on? = Did you read the profile yet?!

Can I call you now? = Desperate!!

What do you look like? = Did you read the profile?! Does it honestly matter what she looks like moreso than what she sounds like?! Geezus! What do YOU fuckin' look like?!!

u-r hawt -omg- -lol- = Please try and get a grown-up vocabulary.

Shouldn't we be hoping she'll be willing to subject herself to your probing tongue licking its' way into your ear with its' incredible responses and delighted approval of your expression of fantasy? Do you really need to know she came?

Can't you tell??!!

Julian

"Now this blog is set for comments, and I am moderating so leave me a note from time to time, and let me know what you think about what I am saying here, folks! Also, if you'd like to read more about me (info & publishings) then just click on the link below at the bottom right of this blog and you can read my ideas, perversions and desires and delights."