Stay The Course

Stay the Course

“You never give yourself more credit than you really deserve.” – M (1996)
“You’re the only one I’ve known never to give up on your dreams.” – J (2009)

I am doing something I haven’t done in a long time, deeming myself a smart motherfucker: I am reading someone else’s work, and working hard to listen. I have to find a way to make my dreams work; because I know that I don’t want to be like Henry Darger, the man who created the epic “Vivian Girls” saga in art and writing. He worked at this all his life, and died alone and penniless, and the world almost never knew of this amazing piece because it was almost tossed out after his death. Darger never told anyone of his artistic inclinations, his creativity, or anything else he did in private. His landlord discovered all these amazing items when his apartment was being emptied for a future rental. His work spanned decades, item upon item laying the saga of the “Vivian Girls” out in a huge sequence like a history of the fantastic.
It’s not easy being me. I have more self-loathing than a suicidal man does, fears abound and I don’t know or acknowledge the things happening to me or what good things I may do for or with my talents. And I doubt them and myself.

Now, in reading and finding that I need to create more, more prolifically, and as often as possible, I am making myself a path into the future. My future has to be something I am happy with all the time, doing something I love all the time, and thinking to myself that it can’t get any better than this because I am fulfilled.

Christmas day I started doodling on cups, making little caricatures for everyone just because they asked, and I enjoyed it. Now I need to draw more, make better efforts to create and to be found on the internet or to create an audience. And yet, can I look and honestly say that my stories with a sexual bend are artistically wrong, or am I just looking at the wrong audience? IF I am going to be a writer, and writing with a pornographic bend, then I need to be the damned best pornographer possible. No slacking off, no falling back, and no using it as a way to meet chicks. I have to find my audience, create a method and a way for others to arouse themselves and want to off it to others because it’s that damned good!

Several projects are stirring the pot right now, but one thing I need to do is draw again. I need to make the comic stories/graphic novels appear even in limited audiences. I need to make the best of life happen for myself, and can’t be ashamed or embarrassed with the results or with my decisions. All these things have to pass, and have to come about, or I’ll have wasted my life.

So, what needs to be done?

Here’s a list:

1. Write daily, no matter what. Make sure there’s an hour at least to write somewhere in the house privately. This means no internet (web surfing), no movies, no distractions, no noise, no phone, nothing to keep you from putting down 500 – 3500 words for a new novel, series, or anything that could be part of your future.
2. Read when you can. Read as much about your craft, building your skills, or learning from other authors or artist. Read from successful writers and artist, not people with only a self-help book to their credit and not the kind of book/work/art you care to have or do for your guide.
3. Don’t take your laptop to school as often as you did before. You won’t have the time to create or work on something there with the students around you so leave it at home. However, take a notebook or paper with you in a briefcase (along with some books) so you can have a little inspiration or at least to take notes about what you want to create later when you’re alone.
4. Try saving some of your money. If you plan to leave Texas, you’re going to need every cent you can glean from all your jobs and anything you can make on the side.
5. Dump Pride. Pride’s gotten you nowhere, and without anything (like skill, money or a new path) to back it up, it won’t take you where you want to go in the future.
6. Be humble but not a doormat. Be proud but not conceited. Be happy but not to the point where you need happiness or you feel like a failure.
7. Stop crying and quitting all the damned time. You fucked up; fix it & move on.
8. Draw what you see when you can. You’re not Van Gogh, Picasso, Todd McFarlane or Jack Kirby. But you do possess the skill; you’re just not fuckin’ using it. Make the best effort to sketch as often as possible, and make or create guides if you’re going to practice anything as intricate as people or certain places.
9. Remember that art is fluid: you can use anything as long as you’re able to express your emotions or ideas. Don’t let a limit of money or resources hinder your creativity.
10. Write in/on your Blog: Tell your stories to other artist, writers or people who have been supportive or assisting in your creativity process. Hopefully, someone will be able to get you into a place where you can make money with something you write or create from your obscene imagination.
11. Give some things away. Create something for a web audience or create something that will get you noticed some way, somehow … maybe one comic series or graphic novel to post through your blog & an art website. Something to get you an audience.
12. Make an effort to get out into an artistic community and to get them to know you as much as you know them or their work. Also, find like-minded people who are willing to help you. NO MORE FUCKING VAMPIRES IN YOUR LIFE! THEY HAVE BEEN WITH YOU FOR TOO FUCKING LONG!
13. Enjoy your time or your skills or your audience. Without enjoyment, you’re going to go off the deep end into depression and sadness and finally, really die and hate your life, for as little as it could be when you lose your mind.

Now that I have my list, what’s next? I’ve been through the “New Year’s Resolution” phase and worked for a while, then quit or my energies petered out on me. And by March or April, I am on another rant about how my life sucks and I hate myself for not keeping my own word or making a better life. Should I print this out? Possibly but then I’m the only one who knows what I wrote and what it means to me. Should I share it with my friends? That could be the best answer, but that’s still limited support.

Posting it on the internet? That may work.

Ask for support among the artistic and writing communities and maybe then, you can find yourself doing what you love without hating what you do.

Money will come later.

Money has to come later. This life and these dreams can’t survive without it, but let’s be honest: you don’t want to be a teacher. You don’t want to be a salesman. You don’t want to work for someone else or on something you can’t take credit for, so you need to be prolific, continuous, and fluid. Working as often as possible, and making the best effort to learn, read, or make headway into your own dreams. Without it you’re only going to hate yourself more than you do now.

Without dreams, there’s no reason to go on living, even if others don’t approve of your dreams.
You can’t live for approval any longer. That’s been what moved you forward before, and it’s always stalled your dreams.

Move of your own accord.

Move for your own volitions and desires.

Stop crying and start living, working and making the path you desire.
After that you’re either gonna have a pot of dreams, or a hell of a story to tell.





~ j ~