More Motion

More Motion

Today I spent my time cleaning my new studio. I am working to make the best I can of my situation, and to make the idea that either I’m not substitute teaching every day (as I had hoped) or working more than 25+ hours per week in retail. Thus, I am going to have to make something good of my days/time off daily if not hourly. I need to draw more, write more, and create written and illustrated sketches.

I have access to the internet and a portable laptop, meaning I don’t have to make a base in one place. I do need to save something from paychecks between paying for my insurance, car payments, laptop payments, and the desires I have for my life. No, I am not going to strip bars but I’m not meeting anyone new. Everyone and everything is temporary until I have my dream. And if you think I’ll sacrifice my personal pleasure to follow my dreams, well … you’re right. I shall; dreams are selfish.

So am I, and that’s just me being honest with you the reader of this posting, and myself.
Some request I am doing for fun, and some to learn from their creation and the patience needed to make them successful. After all, if I can’t write often, quickly, and with some feeling of erotic (or pornographic) expectation for pleasure for my reader, then I’m not doing them a favor.

I told myself I’d be working for at least 90 minutes and now I need up to that idea I’ve given myself as a standard for my work ethic. Meaning 90-uninterrupted-minutes must be used, PER DAY, (no matter the day) to anything, even reading. Writing, posting on-line, creating links and having my stories become more popular are my goals. I have to can’t expect to be the “popular kid”, since I was never that kid and never will be that writer. Who I have to be is the one willing to work as hard as possible, making concessions and working to get a good reputation as a creator and entertainer.

One way or another I have to make my dreams come true. I’ve sacrificed and lost too much to turn my back now or to relegate it to simple entertainment. I have to make this work somehow, no matter the cost or time involved until I am a success or a lump in a grave. No more censoring, idiots or fearing any reprisal or assholes. Fuck ‘em all! Let them pay for my shit and let them choke on it if they don’t fuckin’ like it. I’m not gonna care about them, but about the people who matter.

Eventually, Julian will replace the other guy, and one day they’ll be both sides of the same coin. One a fantasy, or a means to an end, and the other a source of pride, joy or happiness. I don’t go to bed aching for work to come like a little kid looking for Christmas. Shit, I don’t even feel like that FOR Christmas. I loathe the fuckin’ holiday, only wanting to go to midnight Mass and to have dinner with my family.

Like work, and like Christmas, I should want to or enjoy doing something productive, joyous and creative.

I have been reading Larry Winget’s “Shut Up, Stop Whining & Get A Life”, and it’s a sound kick in the trousers for me. I won’t admit to being or feeling like a winner, but that doesn’t mean my feelings need to stay the same or that I should accept my situation. In fact, I should be working to my best efforts, to be the best ME that I can be in this life.

I can’t cheat myself or look back at my defeats any longer. I can reflect, momentarily, but I can’t let the failures hold me back. I have to make progress daily, hourly if possible and keep getting closer to my dreams. If I don’t do it now I’ll never have a chance again. I love writing, and must make that my best effort, period. Drawing needs to be next. Like previously mentioned I need to make the best of my skills, working harder than before to get closer to my hopes and dreams.

There should be no doubts or aversions, no fear or wheedling, questions, or excuses.

There should be success, joy and a desire to follow new venues, catch a falling or rising star, and make poetry from the hesitations of my soul and art from the memories of the good and bad.

Closing for now … see y’all later.

Much love & many blessings,




~ j ~