Self-Loathing Game

I hate myself. I really do deep inside, and maybe that's why I feel either elitist and snobby, or sadistic and evil. And I hold so much in at times it leaks out of me like leeched poison.

Today I was in line at Wal-Mart with a female friend of mine, and she was doing a little shopping for her friends' gift for Christmas. As I stood in line, I saw a man & woman with shitloads of boxers and crap (I really can't detail what but it was all forgettable.) on the register.

Suddenly, I blurted out "God I can't wait to make money again so I can buy people useless things they don't need for Christmas."

Needless to say it was really quiet even in a super-store like Wal-Mart.

And sadly, I just didn't feel ashamed of myself. I know someone heard me but I really didn't care.

Outside the store, the woman asked me, "Why'd you say that stupid comment?"

I replied: "I just feel jealous." (I don't - just sad.)

As we drove out of the parking lot, I saw a trailer with a slew of scriptures written by hand about the coming apocalypse. He had asked 'Are you a sheep or a goat?'

Should I have apologized or not sulked, or maybe just kept my fuckin' mouth shut? Maybe I'd of been better off if I'd of gotten into a fight; perhaps then I'd of felt something moreso than internal bile rising into my heart and soul.

The holidays really don't mean shit to people and certainly not to me - all my friends know I can't do shit for money but they're unable to send me anything but lists of presents, sizes and color choices or web locations. And thus, I feel lousy.

Like people will never know ... constantly on the verge of tears.


Matthew 25:31-46
The Judgment

25:31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. 25:32 All the nations will be assembled before him, and he will separate people one from another like a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 25:33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. 25:34 Then the king will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 25:35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 25:36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ 25:37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 25:38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or naked and clothe you? 25:39 When did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 25:40 And the king will answer them, ‘I tell you the truth, just as you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me.’

25:41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire that has been prepared for the devil and his angels! 25:42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink. 25:43 I was a stranger and you did not receive me as a guest, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 25:44 Then they too will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not give you whatever you needed?’ 25:45 Then he will answer them, ‘I tell you the truth, just as you did not do it for one of the least of these, you did not do it for me.’ 25:46 And these will depart into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”


Sadly, I just don't feel like much any longer. Maybe I shall be more hermit-like and hidden, and maybe THEN I'll find some measure of fame and influence. I really have no truth in me left, and I'm constantly unhappy living here in Texas. I need a new life and a change - maybe another state, or another life, or another name.

Maybe ... always maybe.

Adios for now,


~ j ~






http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-hatred

http://www.head-cleaners.com/selfesteem.html

http://www.bible.org/ - passage found here