2 blogs for the price of 1

A Year Ago

I was just remembering being on a cross-country flight, rushing back to Texas, thinking of the amazing woman I’d left behind. I was wishing I could have brought her home with me, had more time with her, and left her with more than the memories of a disappointing fat man who couldn’t allow himself to enjoy their time together.

I miss her.

Those blue eyes.

I remember asking people as we passed them, “Excuse me but you could you take a picture? I’d like one with my wife.”

My wife. My weekend wife. It all seems surreal now.

Choosing instead of being chosen.

Wanting instead of having settled.

A dream come true versus a dream deferred.

She offered me anything and all I could hope for, and I wish I still had that voice, that smile, that person to have coffee with in the mornings.

I’ll never find anyone like her again. I do miss her so very much.

One day I’ll have my dream.

Maybe I’ll be lucky and she’ll be there as part of it.

Maybe all I have are the pictures of her we took together.

All I know is that at least once I stepped into the Garden of Eden, and Eve was beside me.

Ciao.





Julian

p.s. “Recently I dreamt about her. I don’t recall the situation but I do remember whispering her name, which startled me awake. I closed my eyes trying to will her back to my side, to be able to roll over and find her sleeping on her side, snoring softly, her creamy skin within inches from my touch. Instead I found an empty space, like the one in my heart."

THEN I WROTE THIS ...

Happy Anniversary

It’s gonna be a year since I saw her. Seeing her, touching her, tasting her … it was worth all the madness and chaos that I endured.

I miss her.

I miss her a lot more than I could have ever imagined. She gave me anything and everything my heart could desire; every fantasy I’d ever had she brought to life and she bent herself to my every thought and fantasy.

Sadly, I was too tense to enjoy myself. I should have been attacking her, and instead I was impotent. I was a disappointment and I a disaster to myself and my own energies. I wish I lived closer to her so I could have tried again.

Instead, she lost her respect for me, and I couldn’t even release my own inhibitions. She drew away from me and I lost the woman I ached for more than any other in my life to date. She made me smile, feel incredible about myself, and showed me that I don’t have to settle for anything mediocre or stale. I should rethink all those things she did for me, because I’ve been letting my gifts go to waste.

I’ve been teaching, and cooking, and then watching television for hours. Or I’m surfing the web for smut on 4Chan looking for anything naked and sexy, or gross or instructional, not thinking about what I’m collecting or what it’s gonna do for or with me. It could warp, bore, or just make me more of a vegetable than I already am at times.

I should be writing daily, exercising daily, eating better. Instead, I’ve given in to convenience and simplicity. I’ve had little to no contact with the outside world. I’ve become a hermit and I’m crushed in my soul and heart.

So what must I do? Complaining is getting old, and she’s not coming back. All I can do is plan for my eventual move from Texas. Life here is staid and dull. This isn’t going to be the life for me and if I don’t reach for my dreams then what am I trying to impart in the children of this next generation.

I wish I could cross the border for her, but she told me not to, and I won’t break her heart or bore her again. She was always too good for me, and I was too hesitant.

God, I gotta admit, I loved saying the phrase, “Excuse me but could you take a picture of us? I want a nice picture with my wife.”

Sometimes … you only get one chance: don’t fuck it up.

Claim that moment. Make it yours’ alone.

I don’t know what she looks like now. She could have gained 30+ lbs. or lost more weight and a few cup sizes. I know she slept/fucked another man after me and had a few wandering liaisons on a cam … maybe they lead to something and maybe they didn’t.

None of that matters.

I wanted her to bear my children, to swim and play piano and guitar, to keep singing and to cut flowers and ache to find all the variety in life we could indulge in. I wanted to know that one day I could look at a woman and see in her eyes that if I were to die, and those eyes were the last vision I’d have, there would be no regrets.

All I know is that I miss her. I don’t honestly know if she misses me … or if I bored and disappointed her so much that she needs to be as far away as possible until I am either balanced or strong enough to care for both of us.

She told me, “In the next two years I’m gonna come to a decision: either have a baby with the man I’m with now or leave him once and for all.”

One years’ gone by; let’s see what the next one holds for both of us.

She’s had chaos in her life, and I’ve posted some things that are non-directly supportive of her life. Nothing too direct, but something to let her know she’s still in my mind and heart.

She always will be.