Having & Wanting
I was at the supermarket yesterday. I had missed my Saturday morning breakfast buffet with my family at a local restaurant and my folks hadn’t called me back so I can only assume they’re pissed at me for missing out. At that point, as I drove along the highway to the store, I figured I could just buy my groceries and go about my day.
I had $60 in my pocket. After paying bills the night before, this was about one-third of what I had left from my salary, so it had to last a few weeks. I didn’t get to the ATM to get another $20 as I budgeted almost $80 for what I needed but as I went through the aisles I found my budget spinning out of control just for the necessities and I was forced to use my debit card instead. So I was counting my pennies, thinking about my family, checking my cell phone to see if they got my apology, and wondering why I have to hide from my life while chasing my dreams, wishing and scheming that someday, somehow, I’ll be what I want, not what Life wants me to be.
Dog food, bug lights, lunchmeats, sliced cheese, store-brand coffee; no steaks or beer, only the basics. No copy of Zombieland for my collection of movies or to watch later. Just what I needed to get by with for the time being.
I keep thinking about what I’d like my life to be versus what it is, and thought, ‘Gee, with the money I have, even after my purchase, maybe I can buy some vintage Hustlers or a John Wayne movie, or go see Iron Man 2 at the theaters and treat myself.’ Just a little luxury to keep a smile on my face for all the chaos surrounding my feelings and self-loathing, nothing too extravagant.
As I looked over the chips to get what I needed for lunches, a man approached me.
“Excuse me,” he said softly. I saw he was dressed casually, not raggedly. Open shirt, a t-shirt underneath open to the belt, khakis, non-descript shoes, going slightly bald, not filthy or drawing flies as if he’d been living outdoors or amid the elements. “I hate to ask but is there anything you can spare me? Anything at all? I’m just looking to make a few things for my kids – “
No children around him, like when you’re approached on the street for gas money with no nearby vehicle to see. Always just around the corner/down the block, back that way, ect.
“And right now I can’t get on the food stamps. We’re in a spot not having everything. Sugar but no Kool-Aid, bread but no meat, and we’re ...”
I faded out his sounds, making the noise smaller, not thinking too much, looking for a loose set of dollar bills. Instead all I had were the three twenty dollar bills. I closed my wallet with a sigh, saying, “Sorry man. You caught me too early. Maybe next time.”
I knew there would be no next time.
“Thank you,” he said. I watched him turn, whispered to myself, ‘It’s only money,’ and pulled out a twenty.
“Hey.” The stranger turned. I held up the bill, folded in half, knowing we were alone in the aisle of the big supermarket. “Make sure you take care of your kid, understand?” I made an strained emphasis on the word ‘care’, hoping that paternal instinct would kick in and he’d make sure it went right.
I hope he was able to stop asking for money.
It’s a humbling experience to ask for anything.
It’s worse to ask strangers, or so I can assume.
He turned, taking the money, whispering, “God bless you,” and walked away, grasping a box from the aisle, which I think came from the cheap DVD’s or video games. I guess something for the kid he mentioned.
As I paid for my groceries, I wondered the following: ‘Why can’t I get what I want but give away what I have?” Is this truly a paradox or am I being selfish?
I wish for one thing in particular: seeing someone I miss again, touching her again, having her again. I wish for my morning coffee with her, her voice in my ear, her wanting me as much as I want her. But that’s not happening, and she’s busy with a new life and I am here.
When I came home I found a $5 bill in my jacket, and I chided myself for being so reckless and not putting the money back from the night before.
That I can’t put on God’s shoulders, only my own.
That was yesterday.
Let’s see what today brings.
Epilogue:
I found this site on the web; maybe I need to change my way of thinking.
http://www.savingadvice.com/articles/2007/08/24/101705_money-confession-begging.html
Ciao.
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