I hate the fucking applications I need to fill out for every goddamned job I am seeking. Noone wants to hire a 42 year old dreamer!
WHY NOT ME? WHY NOT FUCKIN' ME??!!!
Some days I want to cry. This blog really has no readers and I vent my grief and frustration here instead of on the world. I wish I had someone to hold me like that, even from afar.
Why can't I be the one with the wife dying to be pleased and happy with all we can do together, honestly?! I've told others my feelings in the past and have been shunned or shamed away from being the creature inside me. I feel so damned alone, so miserable, and I am trying to make the best of my current situation. It feels like it will take forever to feel good, like I may never be cheerful again. Like smiles have been eradicated from my life.
But this isn't the only one I have and I am trying to be optimistic. I just wish the fucking applications and money would come back to me and give me something positive. I have nothing, not a goddamned thing, not even my dog! And you all know I love my dog.
I counted ... I have $ 4.27 in my pocket. My friends have their worries and I'm not one of them. But they're always hoping I'll fix their fucked-up lives, don't they??!!
But I'll try ... I'll try being happy. I'll try being calm and assertive. I'll try making something good happen.
I miss someone special and I can't have the taste of her friendship any longer. Not the way I had it before. So I must make do with lesser humans, and few are even close to being anything like her. So I am going to be alone for some time.
Ciao.
Julian
"So I must make do with lesser humans, and few are even close to being anything like her." - Just to clarify this I meant few people are as amazing as this woman who made my head spin, my heart leap and who made me feel like I was handsome and worthwhile. FEW do that; most want their own desires fulfilled but FEW (like my commentor above and a few of you who read this blog) are the exception to my world currently. Maybe I am in the wrong place to find someone to make me happy & for that I vent & spew my evil inside me. BUT for those of you who do so damned much for me keeping me alive ... Thank You! Thank you SO very much! I love you so much with my heart; but the unrequited love factor is going to be with me for a while. Sorry if I was misunderstood."
2 comments:
hmmmm... those friends who read your blog and have stood by you are "lesser humans" ???? I think you may need to re-think that one.
"So I must make do with lesser humans, and few are even close to being anything like her." - Just to clarify this I meant few people are as amazing as this woman who made my head spin, my heart leap and who made me feel like I was handsome and worthwhile. FEW do that; most want their own desires fulfilled but FEW (like my commentor above and a few of you who read this blog) are the exception to my world currently. Maybe I am in the wrong place to find someone to make me happy & for that I vent & spew my evil inside me. BUT for those of you who do so damned much for me keeping me alive ... Thank You! Thank you SO very much! I love you so much with my heart; but the unrequited love factor is going to be with me for a while. Sorry if I was misunderstood."
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