I was visiting my folks on the Labor Day holiday, having a bite with them, my siblings, and their spouses when my mother pulled me aside, asking, "Did J~ from your old high school have an older brother?" When she noticed the quizzical look on my face, she showed me a clipped obituary from the newspaper.
It was J~'s brother. He had died of some mysterious disease. Granted he was a bit of a drinker and smoker when I knew him, and was not what you'd call civilized, but a good guy. When J~ and I were in high school we'd watch his older brothers' porn tapes, drink beers, and wonder a little about him as he was reclusive and quiet. I never knew much about him but that he was a physical guy, liked mechanical work, and would grab either of us, wrestling us to the ground, in a very older brother manner.
I'm 41 ... and I keep restating my age for the fact that I don't think I look or feel my age. I can't say I am 'in shape', but I am not crippled, haven't had any body parts in a sling or cast (that I can recall currently) or had to undergo surgery. I'm not a college veteran, well-liked or even remembered. I loathed my high school years as they were awkward & social-degredations of my personal being. I hated it so fuckin' much.
That's why I've never acknowledged it, nor will. If people think I'm a geek now, Lord only know what they'd see in the old images of me I have stored in a box in my shabby studio.
(Pause)
I called J~ later in the week, talking to him briefly. He told me the family was in turmoil at that moment still and just couldn't handle what had happened, especially his folks. They say the greatest tragedy for a parent is to outlive their child. I can't imagine that now in my life in anyway, as I have none. We see each other every so often, are glad to see each other, and chat for a bit. This time he didn't want to be bothered; he was just heartbroken. He didn't want to know I was somewhere in
the shadows or the past, he just wanted to mourn.
The call was abrupt. He hung up without a 'good-bye' ... and that's his right.
Life is moving a little faster each day & I wonder if I'll reach my goals. Have I been asleep for too long? Have my dreams come and gone, or least their opprotunities? Or am I trying too hard and letting depression slip over me again & again, overtaking me, making me sad? I remember the movie, "The Doors", and Jim Morrison (Val Kilmer) and the band are at a loft party for Andy Warhol, and they want to leave. Morrison says they should stay or follow the night, and see what happens. Ray Manzareck (Kyle McLaughlin) says, "Jim, this isn't our scene. These people are vampires."
Am I surrounded by Vampires? Have I succumbed to the veins being drained of my soul and hopes? Am I depressed and sad moreso than a man my age should be or is it just the cause of my own personal unfulfilled sadness?
After hearing the misery of my old friend, and knowing I can't do anything for him in any way besides pray & light candles, I wound up driving out to run some errands. I had to move quick since there was an obstructed item in my vision and I cut off two (2) vehicles, just barely missing them. A moment later I found the same guy chasing me down, screaming at me to pull over with a nutso psycho look in his eyes! I tried apologizing but I could not do anything more than drive faster,
and I was not gonna stop with his insanity. THEN I decided, 'I will go to the police substation' just in case this guy acts like an asshole & tries attacking me. Teachers aren't allowed to have felonies on their criminal records and a fight is a felony.
It was J~'s brother. He had died of some mysterious disease. Granted he was a bit of a drinker and smoker when I knew him, and was not what you'd call civilized, but a good guy. When J~ and I were in high school we'd watch his older brothers' porn tapes, drink beers, and wonder a little about him as he was reclusive and quiet. I never knew much about him but that he was a physical guy, liked mechanical work, and would grab either of us, wrestling us to the ground, in a very older brother manner.
I'm 41 ... and I keep restating my age for the fact that I don't think I look or feel my age. I can't say I am 'in shape', but I am not crippled, haven't had any body parts in a sling or cast (that I can recall currently) or had to undergo surgery. I'm not a college veteran, well-liked or even remembered. I loathed my high school years as they were awkward & social-degredations of my personal being. I hated it so fuckin' much.
That's why I've never acknowledged it, nor will. If people think I'm a geek now, Lord only know what they'd see in the old images of me I have stored in a box in my shabby studio.
(Pause)
I called J~ later in the week, talking to him briefly. He told me the family was in turmoil at that moment still and just couldn't handle what had happened, especially his folks. They say the greatest tragedy for a parent is to outlive their child. I can't imagine that now in my life in anyway, as I have none. We see each other every so often, are glad to see each other, and chat for a bit. This time he didn't want to be bothered; he was just heartbroken. He didn't want to know I was somewhere in
the shadows or the past, he just wanted to mourn.
The call was abrupt. He hung up without a 'good-bye' ... and that's his right.
Life is moving a little faster each day & I wonder if I'll reach my goals. Have I been asleep for too long? Have my dreams come and gone, or least their opprotunities? Or am I trying too hard and letting depression slip over me again & again, overtaking me, making me sad? I remember the movie, "The Doors", and Jim Morrison (Val Kilmer) and the band are at a loft party for Andy Warhol, and they want to leave. Morrison says they should stay or follow the night, and see what happens. Ray Manzareck (Kyle McLaughlin) says, "Jim, this isn't our scene. These people are vampires."
Am I surrounded by Vampires? Have I succumbed to the veins being drained of my soul and hopes? Am I depressed and sad moreso than a man my age should be or is it just the cause of my own personal unfulfilled sadness?
After hearing the misery of my old friend, and knowing I can't do anything for him in any way besides pray & light candles, I wound up driving out to run some errands. I had to move quick since there was an obstructed item in my vision and I cut off two (2) vehicles, just barely missing them. A moment later I found the same guy chasing me down, screaming at me to pull over with a nutso psycho look in his eyes! I tried apologizing but I could not do anything more than drive faster,
and I was not gonna stop with his insanity. THEN I decided, 'I will go to the police substation' just in case this guy acts like an asshole & tries attacking me. Teachers aren't allowed to have felonies on their criminal records and a fight is a felony.
That night after filing my police report, I still ran my errands, and went home. Granted, I was very cautious, always looking at verhicles to see if I'd suddenly encounter this nut & be trapped into defending myself. I spoke to an old friend of mine who's an attorney, and he told me that if I were to get into a fight, it would probably keep me from being hired if I'm not in a school where I could be defended by the district's lawyers.
So that would end ALL the need to teach. I need the money until someone buys a script or a book or a graphic novel, but until then I have to have some way to live and this would be it. And if I am criminally fucked-up on my record then I'd be disallowed to teach in any manner. And I just can't afford that in any way.
I was browsing the internet for handguns & shotguns. I didn't look for permits ... yet. I don't want to contemplate harming anyone, but if it really came between me & him I'd choose me. There is no way to make the case for killing another person, but I don't feel like being a stratic.
And this neighborhood is becoming shabbier. Ex-con assholes are taking over the duplexes so the management can rent out the apartments to make a profit against all the renovations they have done to bring the place up to code and to more liveable a place. I love my dog and my life currently, but I should never have to rethink my life like an episode of "Law & Order" should I? Is that just being a realist or am I fucked?
I'll have to wait & see what happens next.
Blessings,
Julian
***********
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1985 - People & events of that year
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1985_in_music - Music that year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dMmNcT3ouo - Bowling for Soup
http://www.infoplease.com/year/1985.html - A capsulation of the year
http://www.answers.com/topic/1985 - More events of the year
http://uscode.law.cornell.edu/uscode/html/uscode42/usc_sec_42_00001985----000-.html - The Law of the Year 1985
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1985 - People & events of that year
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1985_in_music - Music that year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dMmNcT3ouo - Bowling for Soup
http://www.infoplease.com/year/1985.html - A capsulation of the year
http://www.answers.com/topic/1985 - More events of the year
http://uscode.law.cornell.edu/uscode/html/uscode42/usc_sec_42_00001985----000-.html - The Law of the Year 1985
1 comment:
I'm glad you called your friend...at least he knows someone is there for him as he mourns. Sometimes, thats all a person needs. He knows you care.
In regards to your dreams and aspirations, I believe there is always hope for them to come true. Right until the day we day we die, we always have ways and means of making them happen. If you truly want something from life, you'll find a way to acheive it - if its want you really want. We're only alloted so much time so make it happen! We should make all our moments count!
And hey, if you were to throw punches or worse pull the trigger of a gun in self defense as a raging monster attempts to machettie you or worse, you'd have a pretty wild story about protecting your rights and property (providing you survived). Heck, its only a felony if you instigate the assault. You just may kick up the cool factor with the kids or at least scare them to shit!
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