The Unnamed Dog

"If you name it you'll want to keep it." ~ Old Saying About Pets

I always walk my dog in the mornings, and for the last few mornings, a few blocks from my shabby apartment and in the same spot along a patch of scrub brush, a rotted tree, and ancient barbed wire I found him. He sat there pleasantly, smiling softly, and just watching the world go by without a thought. His fur clung to his bones, showing the details of his ribs, and he was never crying or yelping. I don't know how he slept, or if he was waiting for someone's return.

He wasn't tied to the fence, despite his staying in the exact same location for the three days I passed him on my walk with my big yellow dog. Tropical Storm Ike stranded people and orphaned pets in the shelters around town, so he couldn't be taken in immediately. So, after bouncing a check for some measly groceries, I crushed some bits of beef jerky and fed them to him. It was dusk, and I had forgotten all about my other obligations in trying to so this one good deed.

He is gonna be a big dog, and would have a good home, and make a family very happy. Much happier than I could make him in my shitty little hovel with few funds and limited time and too much clutter strewn about the only extra room. But I couldn't name him, and I did want him with me ... maybe to fill the hole inside me.

I fill that hole with sex, diversions such as books, pornography, writing obscene perverse things that would make some people cringe and run hiding into the darkness. I loathe religion, and I don't want to be bothered by people any longer. I just want a house, a chance to love someone, or something, and be living a quiet life.

He left tonight with a teacher I know from one of the local junior high schools. He's gonna have a yard, a family, and kids to romp and play and grow with for a long time to come. And he deserves that; if he spent longer than the days & nights I saw him in that one spot, maybe waiting for the person who dumped him there who's never returning, then he does deserve all the happiness in the world.

~pause~

If I've ever complained about money before, I am doubly-screwed now. My university has notified me that I won't receive my Federal student loan because I am not enrolled in enough hours for this semester. I just dumped Wild Turkey into my iced tea, weeping a little, wishing I could truly be bad, and fuck the consequences. But I can't. I am sad, broke, and just a little worried if I could lose my car or my home.

I cried when the lady with the university told me, "Well sir, since you're not enrolled I can't see you recieving any funds until January." I told her that just the one class was a financial strain, and I may need to drop the course since I won't be able to afford it.

"Sorry."

Nothing else. No options, no other way ... fucked.

I've stated before I feared the zombie apocalypse. That's not entirely true. I really only fear one thing: 'homelessness'. Being alone in this world, completely cut off and lost to the grid and the lines of life.

I see them, begging for money, little scraps of life, and I give to them. Could that be me one day too? Should I fall on my sword and my pride and just move home with my parents and see my life is more a tale of sadness from Will Eisner's graphic novel, "Invisible People" than "Failure to Launch".

Right now I'm sad & confused. Maybe there's never been anything real ... anything tangible to me, anything of substance. Am I finally cracking up or is this the darkness before the bright light of day? As I mentioned before in my previous blog, should I solicit my friends for cash or just wait for my soul to take flight and finally be happy, hopefully?

Right now I am gonna go to bed. I don't need to do anything but stop thinking and walk the dog in the morning, making my life a little more joyous that the Unnamed Dog has a home.

One day I'll have one too.

Thank you for listening - sorry about the tears.

Always,



Julian