I came home & found an e-mail, telling me to never look for her again. The Woman of my Dreams has left me once and for all. She was honest with me, telling me earlier that she’d be leaving the internet, making her way deeper into the forages of her life, trying to make a new path. Sadly, at this point, this will never include me. The only way I’ll ever touch her again is in my memories, in my dreams and when I recall all she ever gave me.
She helped free me from believing I had to accept what life handed me and not what I could take from life or earn with the sweat of my mind and the joy of my heart. I know now that I can make anything happen. I can make my dreams come true. And I can make it happen without the fear of growing old, alone or making more mistakes.
I hope she never regrets meeting me. I will never regret meeting her, even once in life. She made me smile, made me take life by the horns and run away with the joy that anything is possible in this world.
And for that, I have to be grateful.
There’s a lot of love I have for her, and maybe a lot of resentment that she couldn’t keep wanting me as much as I wanted her. In the next few months I’ll be posting poems, short stories, and anything that I have for her either on-line or maybe as a published story just to alleviate myself of the fantasy of having her in my memories, my heart and my wishes.
She’s following her path; I have to follow mine.
I’ll miss her more than I should for a long time to come.
I’ll have to work to get over her once and for all. She knows where I am; I went to her so now she can come to me.
Like that would ever happen.
I love you. I always will, my angel. I just wish you could love me the same way.
Always,
Julian
A Final Letter to Her (Written 09/29/’09)
My Beloved,
It’s late & I am getting ready for bed. I appreciated your suggestions, and enjoyed your story quite a bit. You’ve always been a great story-teller, and you’re incredibly vivid when doing so, which is (obviously) what made you so popular as a cam actress. That you’re so damned gorgeous is icing on the cake, and I’m sure many men want another lick of your frosting. ~lol!~
You’re an exhibitionist, deep inside along with all the many flavors of delight inside you, such as submissive, switch, bisexual, mistress, lover and giver-of-amazing-pleasures. All that paints a vivid and wonderful image of a lover many men wish they could have dreamt up on their own; when you arrived on the scene at SL and at the cam-site (among other places which you didn’t tell me about - ~wink!~) I knew you’d be a success. Nothing could stop you and your hopes and dreams.
I’m just sorry your ‘lover’ turned your delights into a business and made you feel as if you’d have to be leveling the playing field; in other words, bringing s much to the table as he did with his job. That’s not fair because dreamers don’t live in this world: they live beyond it. I’m always going to be chasing my dreams, between classes or jobs or even self-publishing. Maybe one day you’ll see me on Oprah’s Book Club as Julian’s-alter-ego & not my inner-self. That would be kinda cool, and though it’s only an allusion in the pages, you know one of the events everyone is reading about, is my encounter with you.
I doubt denial of your inner urges will truly stop you in any way. It may slow you down, and you may be camming for pleasure more than money, or meeting strange men on the sly, but you’re gonna always be a lusty delight for someone besides yourself. You have an innate ability to make someone feel like there’s nothing and no one else in the world but you, them and their fantasies, no matter how wildly perverse.
Yes, you have your vices, as do we all. Sometimes we curb them, surrender to them, or make concessions such as lying or bringing someone into your field of desires. I know there are limits & that I won’t be crossing them unless I am alone. I hope you’re more successful than I am in this endeavor, but with your ‘lover’, I can’t see him watching you with another man, much less alone two of them.
You’re also a thrill-seeker, and danger just makes the elements of lust an exploration that much more incredible. You could almost be high, addicted to the feeling, the rush, of whatever the situation may lead you to. Deep down inside you weren’t sure what would happen meeting me, and that was a thrill for you. It was a thrill for me too, because you surpassed all my wildest expectations, even when you didn’t want to do a few little things.
(Actually we just ran short of time but that’s beside the point.)
I honestly, don’t see myself doing the kinds of things you did. I can see myself writing, chatting but for myself. I am hoping to buy the domain name and have a launching pad for my erotica and anything else I want to create. I doubt anyone aside from Daddy Bears & young fags want to pay to see me naked, and I don’t want that kind of fervor in my life. Maybe in my stories or an encounter or two, but that’s about all.
At this point I am creating a text & audio for Literotica, meaning it’s free. If I can get enough people that like it along with some of my other stories, maybe then I’ll be able to see my self-published stories moving, making me a name as a author instead of another anonymous pornographer. You, on the other hand, are a star. A discreet one but a star nonetheless. And for what you did I’m proud of you; you did what was honest to the woman inside you, not just to make someone smile. I guess that’s why I feel so much for you, and have to work hard to not look for you, wait (or hope) for a response, or even interact. You’re an override, a power surge, and a wish for so very much that I can’t have, and must accept.
Should my voice arrive at Literotica I’ll send you a link so you can hear it, critique it, and send me some pointers. After reading your story, I’m thinking you emoted, moaned, and made it a sensual delight for the aural hopes of a listener. And I’m sure it, like your images, and your time, was very worth it.
You’re an amazing lady & I am lucky you’re still chatting or writing to me when you can easily find someone more supportive or closer than I am here in Texas. I don’t mind being on the outside of your circle of lovers/intimates, and I am happy you’re a part of my life.
I think it will all be ending soon here in Texas. That’s why I am trying to write as much as possible, even living with her. I know what she wants, and I know what I want, and I doubt she’s gonna join in with my lusty hopes and dreams. In fact, she’s trying to curb them as much as possible with her own participation. Maybe, had I known she liked some of these things, I could have brought her into others. But, actress Jeri Ryan had something similar happen, where her ‘lover’ took her to a swingers (or bondage) club, and she was stunned seeing all the various peoples in many arranged places and such, and left in tears. I think I’d endure the same thing, and I just don’t see her coming along or participating.
I may be adding a DSL line to this place for a few months, until I can move into a studio of my own. Whether I’ll stay in Texas will depend on how book sales happen, even a few can make me noticeable among other authors, agents and publishers. They can have some of my bigger, deeper (yet erotically obscene) works.
I hope one day I get to see you again. Touching you is another story. But I can always hope … ~wink!~
I’ll be in touch. (THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE HER LETTER CAME TO ME!) IM or drop me a note any time. I’ll be substitute teaching soon, so I’ll have money to save. I am hoping the books will be something like a side-job, though my retail job is already that for cash. Thank you for listening and hearing me.
Maybe if you’re good I’ll tell you the explicit & obscene details of what I want to do; but you’re gonna have to do the same for me.
(Just kidding … like I could ever excite you!)
Always,
Julian’s-alter-ego
p.s. “Protect your eyes; they are the most important part of you & what I fell deepest in love with. Not lust or infatuation; that comes from the external. Those amazing blue eyes gave me the internal. And Happy Birthday. There should always be one day when the world comes to a halt just for you. And you do deserve it my angel, and you always will.”
DON’T SEND THIS GODDAMNED ABORTION!!
My Dearest Angel & Friend,
I don’t know what’s happening now. I guess either you’ve had your fill of fun or you’re going to focus on your career. I don’t know what’s happening between you & your ‘lover’ but it doesn’t sound good. Every time something closes for you, it seems as if he’s either in a rage or questioning what’s going on around him, like a fit of paranoia.
It always seems as if you’re finally finding a balance and then something over turns the apple cart and makes a mess of things. I know you’re quiet about a lot of things so I can only assume the suspicion level has risen again and you’re in a heated moment, thus the closing of the website. Myself, I don’t think this is the life for me any longer. I am already planning mischief and madness, rendezvous and new people in life. I don’t know that I’ll be here much longer either, as I have been moved into a smaller place and I have a studio but I know that I can’t keep from following my desires and wants and needs.
She’s trying hard to have me change to one person – her alone. Inside I know and doubt that will be the truth of my heart so I’m better off leaving. I hope 'teaching' affords you all your hopes and dreams too my angel. You’ve deserved them and so much more.
I hope your career takes you far. You’re an amazing woman and I’d be pleased and thrilled if you were a part of my life in any way. I’d be thrilled with you if you were a porn star or a nurse, a mother or a stripper, a wife or a whore. You always made my ego and heart fly in ways I can’t imagine & you made all my dreams come true.
I am writing daily, and working on the books or short stories as often as possible. I am going to be trying to leave here soon for any new possibility. I have a chance to substitute teach, and I am saving my money, getting ready to leave. You’re probably the only person who could understand the idea of chasing a dream, travelling towards it no matter how far away. And knowing deep inside your own heart it was worth it.
The only thing I think that’s wrong with all she’s trying to do is enter my honesty as an after-the-fact moment. She had to learn what I wanted, versus finding someone who already has the same vices, needs and questions. She’s trying, but I know being dishonest will kill her, and I just can’t make my changes happen to make her happy. In fact, I’m working on making ME happiest. In my heart of hearts you’ve been one of the few people in my life worth telling everything to, and I’ve been happy to know and enjoy you in my life. I’d accept you in my heart or home without question, enjoying running parallel with you, and if nothing else, just running our lustful fantasies over each others’ bodies. Even just being silly and fun would be so amazing. I could … well, you know all those thoughts in my head.
If I find you’re not on that often, or not answering my letters/e-mails, I can only believe you’re enjoying yourself. As much as I‘d love to I shall keep your secrets, be honest with you, and do my best not to bother you. It may be hard, but I’ll try.
Need anything, just call me. Please.
Want anything: a listener, a guardian angel, a friend, a shelter, I’d be that for you. Care to explore something wicked & obscene & chase your thrills to the ends of the Earth? I’ll buy the ticket next to yours’ and sit with you all the way out into disaster.
My greatest dream would be a rainy night, a knock at the door, and a cab in the distance. You’d be at the door, soaked to the skin, looking at me, smiling knowing all my warmth from my home to my heart, are still yours’ no matter how much time has passed. If you asked me to go get you, I’d go without hesitation, saving all I could for the drive, the flight and the chance just to see you again.
Of course, you know all that deep in your heart.
Maybe one day you’ll follow it to me.
Maybe ...
Always,
Hopeful
