Mourning Coffee

Just feeling a little blue today. Life has turned around & not for the better.

More later.

Ciao.




Julian

An Open Letter & Rant - Please Forgive Me

Dear Friends & Readers,

Just in case everyone's wondering my life fell apart recently and I am (hopefully) on the road to recovery and not heading up IH-35 to Austin to pull a Charles Whitman. (If you don't know what that means or you're not reading this from Texas then follow the link in the name.)

Now I am broke right now. I can occasionally scrape together gas money, a few canned rations (meaning any cheap food from a can or a Dollar Tree store or something similar) and am living off water and warmth from a few close friends and some nice letters via my e-mail.

Sadly, the nice letters are overwhelmed by SPAM so I am doing my best to eliminate it all and move on with life.



I was at a job fair, and tried applying for a job with 2 of the school districts. But they only had 300 positions open for the 2400 of us who came in over the 12 hour day. And that's not counting how many people showed up after filling in on-line applications and being told "We're not doing interviews here but we'll get back to your shortly."

I guess filling out the 12 page application isn't enough conviction to merit an interview.



~sigh!~

All I am living for is my dreams. All I have are my dreams, but I don't have a laptop to reproduce them for my (hopeful) publication either as e-books or to submit them to a publisher in New York.



All I can do is plod along slowly. God's not gonna drop a chunk of cash at my feet. He'll take away my joy & replace it with 'treasures for Heaven' (Meaning beggars & others looking for what little I have and no, I don't turn them away as logical as it would be to do so!) which I am not thinking about currently. I know I sound awful but I apologize as my turns and twist in life make me feel boxed in and afraid. And I HATE being afraid.



Where's my little ass-wiggling angel with a lack of morals and the looks of a porn starlet on the rise? Where's she worshiping my chubby ass aching for me just to talk dirty to her once again?

Hmm? No answer ... what else can I expect?

Next week because NONE of my applications are done I am volunteering to help at a school teaching art. Sadly, it's not in my area of certification, and I'd need another $200 just to take THAT test. And since I am not in that area I can't get hired into that job even if I promised to get certified. The school would HAVE to give it to someone else simply because he has the credentials. I'll be working at Bed, Bath & Beyond part-time, teaching for free, and holding in the stories I am dying to type out because I have no laptop.

I can't get a good job in retail because I am 42 and deserve a LOT more money than a kid in college who'll work for car payments and a chance to get laid at the Winter Prom. Me? I get to scrape by & watch the world pass away.

I'll reveal my secret soon enough dear friends & readers. Hopefully many of you won't be too disappointed.

Thank you for listening.

Blessings,


Julian

No Words Are Needed But Here They Are

washingtonpost.com - follow the link above for ALL the details!

A Cheater's Plea for Forgiveness -- Or Attention?

By Ruth McCann
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, August 28, 2009



Behold: Hester Prynne in the age of network television. The scarlet letter, or something like it, emblazoned on the chest. The private sin dragged forth for public judgment. The hours in the stocks. And the media.

Oh, the media.



"I cheated. This is my punishment." Thus read the hand-lettered, chest-to-knee-length sign worn by a man sporting jeans, a baby-blue short-sleeved dress shirt and a hangdog face as he stood on the side of the eight-lane Leesburg Pike near Tysons Corner on Wednesday morning. Thursday morning, he was back.

The man identified himself as "William Taylor" of Centreville when the first journalist, from Fox 5, interviewed him Wednesday on a grassy verge outside a shopping complex, where he has been observed during rush-hour traffic since Monday.

Neither the man's identity nor the details of his story could be confirmed. But that didn't quell the media frenzy, touched off when Fox 5 and a Los Angeles NBC affiliate aired brief footage of the allegedly repentant man standing alone at the intersection of International Drive and Leesburg Pike.

Media outlets including NBC4, MSNBC, Washington City Paper and London's Daily Mail have thus far rehashed and rehashed the spectacle. Bloggers and forums have taken the morsel and run with it, some dismissing the whole thing as some sort of insidious publicity hoax, others wondering whether the "I cheated" sign will prove effective, or whether relationships can ever really change.



One commenter quipped: "That's awesome. Public humiliation, lol." A commenter who'd seen "Taylor" through an office window Wednesday said some of his female colleagues were plotting to return the next day with sandwich boards announcing: "And I'm the one he cheated with."

As for the man, his commentary was sparse.



Facing resolutely southeast as traffic rushed by, "Taylor" told Fox 5 on Wednesday that his wife had discovered cellphone evidence of his infidelity (pictures of "his unit," as it would later be described on 99.5 FM's "The Kane Show," sent from "Taylor" to his paramour at her request). "Taylor" told Fox 5 his wife had sent him to stand, in hopes of redemption, at Tysons Corner with the sign around his neck. The handwriting on the sign looked neat and precise -- the sure and even Sharpie strokes of a determined woman.

"Taylor" clutched an empty water bottle. A discarded BMW hubcap rested nearby. Such were the props on the stage of this morality play. Taylor kept his vigil from 9 a.m. until his wife text-messaged him shortly before 11 a.m. to tell him he could quit for the day.



More details emerged during Kane's radio segment on Thursday morning, a lively, fretty, all-in-the-family emotional knockdown featuring "Taylor" and his wife calling from separate phones (she was at home, he was at Tysons holding the sign and talking on his cell) as radio hosts and listeners speculated about the marriage's chances. (Slim, in their estimation. Kane insists the wife is just stringing out the torture before she dumps "Taylor.")

At Kane's prodding, "Taylor" admitted he'd initially lied to the press about his name and place of residence. He did not further identify himself, and his unlisted cell number -- obtained from Fox -- reveals only that his phone is registered in Leesburg. "Taylor" said he's withholding his identity "to protect my privacy, and to protect my wife's privacy."

The trouble began, "Taylor" told Kane, when his wife, "Karen," discovered "pictures of a graphic nature" that "Taylor" had taken and sent at the request of the woman with whom he had a six-month affair.

"Taylor" wanted to save his marriage. He'd been recently laid off, he told Kane, and his wife had been so supportive. In a knock-down, drag-out, "Karen" conceived of the "I cheated" sign.

"I was like, what do I have to do?" "Taylor" said. "And she was like, why don't you stand out on the street and tell everybody . . . what kind of a you-know-what you are?"



So he did. Kane, gobsmacked by the whole incident, asked "Taylor" whether he'd be willing to, say, run the length of the Mall in D.C. in the nude to save his marriage. Yes, he would. "I would do anything to get her back," "Taylor" said.




Kane voiced skepticism about "Taylor's" hopeful docility: "So this could be all for naught. She could go ahead and make you stand out there and you make [a jerk] out of yourself for a week, and then, come Monday, be like: Listen. This is over, it's not gonna work. Ha ha! I leave."

"Taylor" remained optimistic: "I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best," he told Kane.



The flurry of media attention the "I cheated" sign has spawned is, "Taylor" said, perhaps not entirely helpful to his alleged quest for marital peace. He said he only agreed to appear on Kane's morning program because his wife listens to it. Neither "Taylor" nor his wife, "Karen" -- who appeared on-air after Kane got her phone number from "Taylor" -- would confirm rumors that they'll appear on "Good Morning America."

A stalwart "Karen" proved intractable on-air, telling Kane repeatedly: "I really don't, don't want to talk about this anymore." "Taylor" told Kane earlier that his wife has balked at all the unexpected publicity and is upset about the sort of attention her errant husband is receiving. "Karen" would not say whether she'll reconcile with her husband, who, apparently chastened by his wife's on-air presence, declined a second Kane interview.

This morning, cars honked as they passed "Taylor" while he chatted by phone to Kane. Passersby asked to take photos with him, "Taylor" told Kane.

At some point Thursday, "Taylor's" wife asked her husband to move to a new outpost outside a nearby McDonald's, according to a bank teller who had been watching the whole scene unfold outside a Wachovia.



In a text message sent after his dramatic radio appearance, "Taylor" told The Post: "I am at home. I cannot talk to anyone in the press. I'm sorry."

Perhaps he's the media's victim. Or perhaps this is a very artful, very crafty stunt. Nonetheless, one wonders whether "Karen" will pull the plug on this man's punishment, whether publicized repentance will turn out to make for no repentance at all. Perhaps "Taylor" will appear again this very morning, his alleged sins made known to Virginians via a scarlet letter all his own.



Research director Lucy Shackelford, research editor Alice Crites and staff researcher Eddy Palanzo contributed to this report.

Angry tears

I hate the fucking applications I need to fill out for every goddamned job I am seeking. Noone wants to hire a 42 year old dreamer!

WHY NOT ME? WHY NOT FUCKIN' ME??!!!

Some days I want to cry. This blog really has no readers and I vent my grief and frustration here instead of on the world. I wish I had someone to hold me like that, even from afar.



Why can't I be the one with the wife dying to be pleased and happy with all we can do together, honestly?! I've told others my feelings in the past and have been shunned or shamed away from being the creature inside me. I feel so damned alone, so miserable, and I am trying to make the best of my current situation. It feels like it will take forever to feel good, like I may never be cheerful again. Like smiles have been eradicated from my life.

But this isn't the only one I have and I am trying to be optimistic. I just wish the fucking applications and money would come back to me and give me something positive. I have nothing, not a goddamned thing, not even my dog! And you all know I love my dog.

I counted ... I have $ 4.27 in my pocket. My friends have their worries and I'm not one of them. But they're always hoping I'll fix their fucked-up lives, don't they??!!



But I'll try ... I'll try being happy. I'll try being calm and assertive. I'll try making something good happen.



I miss someone special and I can't have the taste of her friendship any longer. Not the way I had it before. So I must make do with lesser humans, and few are even close to being anything like her. So I am going to be alone for some time.

Ciao.



Julian

"So I must make do with lesser humans, and few are even close to being anything like her." - Just to clarify this I meant few people are as amazing as this woman who made my head spin, my heart leap and who made me feel like I was handsome and worthwhile. FEW do that; most want their own desires fulfilled but FEW (like my commentor above and a few of you who read this blog) are the exception to my world currently. Maybe I am in the wrong place to find someone to make me happy & for that I vent & spew my evil inside me. BUT for those of you who do so damned much for me keeping me alive ... Thank You! Thank you SO very much! I love you so much with my heart; but the unrequited love factor is going to be with me for a while. Sorry if I was misunderstood."

49 poems - don't read them all

49 poems by Julian

I wrote these poems in a funk about a woman who I thought loved me, but really had to be a good wife to someone else. I pray he appreciates her. She's been quite good to me so I wrote out of immediate anger & loss. It's not her fault my life is fucked up so please don't blame anyone but the author. He chose to do what he did & it's accepting the hand dealt to you.

Now, I want to pare down the best 7 or 8 for final posting at Literotica under my name “Julian” – see the link above.

Some are haiku’s, some are just free-form poems, and some are more blathering and ranting than any real semblance of honest art.

I wrote in a flurry and am hoping to make the best of my pain & silliness.

Critiques would be appreciated. Comment on any one you wish.

Blessings,

Julian

***

The further she is

The less I see of her smile

Easy to forget

***

Never forgotten always remembered

Wanted more than life itself

I’ll love you always

***

With me she had 2 husbands

It was easier to stay with him

Then to have to come to me

To have all she wanted

She only needed to be

rid of me – like a

bandage on a wound – RIP!

Discard and it’s over.

I am a discarded bandage.

Used, bloodied and forgotten.

***

I wonder if these notes even matter

Every day I used to get up knowing there would

be something

- a note

- a picture

- even a word

The text were always a surprise

Showing me you interrupted your day for me

My first visit was my first step

- and I was preparing for another

But you became what you wanted

- abandoned

- falling

- at the whims of others

You made my mornings better

You were a ray of sunshine

***

I wish I knew something

Maybe I’m a weak or bad fuck

or maybe I’m too

clingy

Not rude or cruel

Single faced, honest

wanting her to be happy

I wish I could have brought her to me, making her mine, alone.

***

A sleepless night

rough to handle

Toss in bed

miss her desperately

Waiting?

Knowing?

Needing?

Wishing?

Your head spins

Time is truly important

Life is a mess

Vacuum

***

You’re growing jealous

You feel amazingly lonely

All the plans

SMASHED!

All your dreams

DEAD!

All the future held

FUCKED!

You felt it inside you

That abandonment

Every time a dream gets close

- POOF!

Heartbreak ebbs from inside

Tears pour like blood

drop by drop

And you lack

She says she doesn’t love you

or she can’t

you’re not sure

the cacophony of humiliations floods your ears

She says she’s not looking for love

But said that to you daily

Hourly

In notes at odd moments

You wish you could dance

with her

Sing to her

Touch her again

You tasted ambrosia

You can’t go back to

tequila or wine

And beer means nothing to you.

Walk Run Fly

Cry Weep Scream

Talk Fuck Hate

Love Want Ache

She’s changed you in ways

You never thought possible

And yet

you’d trade your soul to

go back to the love you had.

… or thought you had.

***

I know I miss her

She gave me more than I hoped

I wish she would call

***

Do you ever think

that your sanity is not

a part of my heart

***

You ran from me

And I wanted to keep looking but

I would stop for you

***

I had hoped for a

Future where our dream came true

Now my dreams are dead

***

I felt really sad

When she asked me not to look

I doubt she cries now

***

Love is the Best Food

The heart needs it nourishment

May was my last meal

***

On-line I was it

The perfect fantasy lust

Reality sucks

***

In all my dull life

I was not chosen ‘til her

Now I’m tossed aside

***

Every day I

fight the desire to call you

I write to keep away

***

She is resisting

Then need to call me right now

Delusions save me

***

Easy to avoid me

Easy to ignore my words

I am not worth it

***

Long as I stay away

She thinks I can forget her

So impossible

***

Did I make her run

Or did I scare her away

Far between heartbeats

***

Always on my mind

She saturated my soul

I wish I had hers

***

She said she won’t leave

The situation she’s in

I would have for her

***

As much as my love

She was my sweet loving friend

I miss that part too

***

She has to want me

As much as I want her now

Like the last two years

***

She told me the truth

She would never lie again

And I trusted her

***

Two-K one way flight

Her arms held me so very tight

Should I not have gone?

***

Why did she give me

The notes gifts pics words and thoughts

It hurts to see them

***

Without me she has

All she could ever want to have

I wish I were there

***

Missing her is Hell

She made a Heaven on Earth

And now I’m so alone

***

Every morning I wait

Hoping for a chat from her

That will never come

***

Days always began

With my coffee and her chat

Now they are both stale

***

Do you now miss me

Does temptation rise to call

I fight mine daily

***

We were way too close

For the distance we dealt with

I miss you so much

***

I wish stealing you

Was still an option in life

But that wish is gone

***

You don’t need me now

You’ve done better that I hoped

I wish you were here

***

My dreams came true here

Every time you called or wrote

You gave me Heaven

***

Delete my old pics

I wish I could do the same

Your notes are my joy

***

You were never mine

I was never yours’ either

But I did have hope

***

You made my wishes

And even for a weekend

I treasure all that

***

She got way too close

And she’s not leaving her life

So I have to leave

***

I’d sell my very soul

Travel to the gates of Hell

To burn up with her

***

She says I should go

Sample the World and enjoy

But she is my world

***

You wanted to fall

Descend deep see the unknown

I wanted the same

***

I am pathetic

Looking for her even now

She does not look back

***

She prepared to leave

She had time to get ready

What a big surprise!

***

Money money cash

A way to have it all here

She’s never for sale

***

Steal a little dream

She made all yours’ come true

That’s why she is missed

***

It took so very

Little time to forget me

I am suffering

***

Poetry flies

verbal and emotional spasms of longing and despair

despair

sadness

humiliation … I ruined my life

Vulgarities pour out of me

Honesty, not familiar territory

and then comes the inner crushing

“Have I gone mad? Am I at the edge wanting something that

doesn’t want me? Like an alcoholic needing a drink?”