It was a rough day today. I had two classes muddled into one room, giving two lessons, trying to lecture mine while making the other class work quietly. I didn't get a lunch break as 4th period one group goes at A Lunch meaning the beginning of the class period, and one went at the end.
And I couldn't arbitrarily combine or hold back one group or the other.
Today, fatigued with the class loads, the loud students, and (in the middle of my worst class) I got a text from my sister who told me my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and has stage-3 Lymphoma, and has a 50% chance of survival through chemo and drug treatments.
I got the news & couldn't stop to call my family because we were short-handed, and when the news (text) took the wind from my sails, the kids became bigger assholes and I just didn't have the heart to fuckin' argue or fight them.
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I hate my life, and I truly don't know why I don't burst into flames and save all the world all my bullshit and melancholy.
Right now the following has occurred:
I have a dented rim leading me to a flat tire. Thus I need to scramble for a ride to work at 640am, and to get one home in the middle of the afternoon at 3pm.
Sallie Mae is hounding me for money I can't get them in any way at my current lifestyle as a substitute teacher.
I am overweight, and unhappy with myself.
My students get another change, and I am now teaching remedial lessons to kids with attention-span problems or who are apathetic as 6th graders.
I am broke, and I didn't even get a chance to work on any Valentine's day projects.
And to top it off, talking to my mother this evening I learned she has a tumor, and will be undergoing a CAT scan to determine its' location and severity.
I am staying calm. I won't cry, as my mother would be disappointed in me if I did so, and I won't be telling anyone on my 'vanilla' Facebook page about my woes. I'll post images there of my lies and what isn't happening, as I really don't give an honet-to-God flying shit about those mementoes of my past-life.
It wasn't great, and I don't care to relive the glory days.
Fuck that. All that's over. I didn't have them. I lead a mediocre life, giving all I could and not getting but for a few times and people who honestly know how precious they are to me because I tell them.
I'm trying not to think.
Just insert grades, get ready for tomorrow and see about calling in a few favors.
It's a little before 6pm and I am having a little Wild Turkey bourbon over ice (sacrelige, I know!) before feeding my dogs and grabbing some take-out.
I have been taken over the barrel, doing more grades and trying to tie all loose ends for the disappearing teacher. Personally I'm amazed he's not fired since Texas is not a union state, but maybe it comes down to his age or his sickness/disabilites.
Far as I know he's gonna keep drawing $3700 - $4200 per month, and maybe 65% of that if/when he retires. I am pulling in $950 a month, maybe $1100 if I can work ALL four weeks and all that ends in May.
So what can I do?
Have another sip & keep ducking my student loans just a little longer.
~lol!~
Stomach grumbling, and I know the dogs are hungry so I'm logging off. Thanks for the comments on my poem.
Sorry Valentine's Day was a bust.
Love you all.
~ j ~
Addendum:
Thank you all for your comments. Don't worry, my pups only had to wait a few minutes, I promise. As soon as I come home they go do (ahem!) their 'business' to alleviate their bladders first. And of course, to stretch their legs and bark at strays or squirrels or whatever's about; then they get to eat. Usually that takes 10 minutes so I call them back from barking-time and they eat, then I cook something for myself and eat too.
According to the weather service, there is going to be a major dip in temperatures here in (Central) Texas in the next few days. Bring in your plants, wrap your pipes and stay warm.
