My Name Began Here

I am being bad ... someone's aching to cheat on their spouse (I shan't say if it's male or female as some of you readers fantasize! ~wink~)

Here's how we're feeling; hopefully my university won't find out. Of course if it mattered would I ever post anything here?



Love you All,




Julian

Application Dumped Today

I have dumped my application for student teaching with my universitys' teaching college and I placed my information at their disposal, thus if they don't like what "Julian G" has done in the past in any way (including the things I am discreet about) then I am done for in any way.

Should I toss away my old stories, maybe get rid of the postings and crush the past into little bits of misery and sadness? Or should I look for another way of living so I'm not fucking my cheerleaders on the desk when it's tutoring time?

There's a lot of sadness in teaching. I've seen the horror of people being shot in teaching, threats, misery, divorces and the like, since Columbine and the double-lives we lead sometimes in pursuit of our dreams.

What's gonna happen to me?

I'll keep you all posted.

Many blessings & much love,

Julian

http://www.sidewalkhoes.com/teen/121406/cheerleader-sex-fac9c2.html

http://www.mybunnygirls.com/galleries/tyrannized-070530/index035.html

http://allbyme.com/cheerleader-auditions-tiana/

A Smile After the Frown

Dear Readers,

I purged my feelings and I am feeling better. A few of my friends helped me put the idiocy of bureaucracy into perspective. I found a few songs that make me smile & hopefully the lyrics & videos will make you smile as they made me smile.

I miss my old Yahoo 360 page ... maybe one day I'll find my way back into the best of the world and make a living at my dreams, being the best as opposed to feeling mediocre.
For now I'll find a way to smile.

Always,

Julian

Stevie Wonder » Love Light In Flight Lyrics


Make me feel like paradise
Give me what I'm missing
Send me to the highest heights
Take me up and away

I've tasted love so many times
With something always missing
But I know that you got the kind
To take me up and away

I know that our journey
Will be filled with passion, love and pleasure
Touching down where only
Satisfaction’s guaranteed
We won't let our feelings
Auto pilot perfect navigation
Sending us to love bliss
Like no one ever knew could be

Make me feel like paradise
Fill me with your kisses
Make the moment feel just right
Take me up and away

'Cause I have waited all my life / Flying high
For the one worth giving / Love sky high
And I don't have to think twice / Flying high
Let's go up and away

[Background]
Love light in flight
Fuel injection passion
[Repeat 1 time]

[Background] - Flying high, love sky high

We need just to feel it
To know that our loving has the power
Showing that these feelings
Emanate from you and me
With love high aviation
We will fly forever and one hour
Giving us the always
To live out all our fantasies

Make me feel like paradise
Give me what I'm missing
Send me to the highest heights
Take me up and away

I've tasted love so many times / Flying high
With something always missing / Love sky high
But I know that you got the kind / Flying high
To take me up and away

[Repeat along with all backgrounds]

http://www.lyricsdomain.com/19/stevie_wonder/love_light_in_flight.html

Waiting For A Girl Like You lyrics

So long - I've been looking too hard

I've been waiting too long.
Sometimes I don't know what I will find

I only know it's a matter of time.
When you love someone - when you love someone

It feels so right so warm and true -
I need to know if you feel it too.
Maybe I'm wrong -
Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong?
This heart of mine has been hurt before

This time I wanna be sure.

I've been waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life.
I've been waiting for a girl like you

A love that will sunrive.
I've bee waiting for someone new to make me feel alive
Yeah
waiting for a girl like you to come into my life.
You're so good - when we make love it's understood

It's more than a touch or a word we say.
Only in dreams could it be this way

When you love someone - yeah
really love someone.
Now
I know it's right

From the moment I wake up till deep in the night

There's nowhere on earth that I'd rather be
Than holding you tenderly.
I've been waiting for a girl like you . . .
I've been waiting
waiting for you.
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
yeah -
Won't you come into my life?

http://www.elyrics.net/read/f/foreigner-lyrics/waiting-for-a-girl-like-you-lyrics.html

Ask A Stupid Question

DEAR READERS,

I AM NOT DEPRESSED OR SUICIDAL OR EVEN HOMICIDAL! I AM VENTING - PERIOD! SCHOOL AND ALL THE PEOPLE ARE SAFE; CRYING JUST WOULDN'T BE TOO MANLY IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERVIEW WITH THIS QUESTION.

PLEASE DON'T CALL THE FBI OR HOMELAND SECURITY AS I DON'T NEED THE GRIEF OR THE SADNESS! PLEASE DON'T COMPLAIN AS THIS IS FAIR WARNING THAT I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND LET ALL THE BILE INSIDE ME GO!

AND IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM PLEASE E-MAIL ME BUT DON'T COMPLAIN & HAVE MY BLOG DROPPED FROM THE WEB!

THANK YOU!


JULIAN

In complete sentences, please respond to the following: What are your expectations of your student teaching experience? What do you expect to learn and to do during this period?

First off I can see that lack wit shitballs have made a methodology for self-importance and grandstanding on the menial desires of stupid fucks dying to show off their own intellect within the realms of faux-education. What a load of horse-shit in underlining the main idea of the preliminary thought of introduction. If the reader ISN’T going to do what’s asked, why bother asking them any-fuckin’-thing?!

My expectations are that I will be bored to goddamned death. There is no lying in this thought – it’s the foreseeable future of my miserable shit-sandwich of a life. I loathe the fuckin’ need for teachers and the rubbish they must endure to make an unrecognizable difference in this world. Children don’t care to be in school. Their parents don’t wish to be responsible, ergo; I shall be made to suffer for little to nothing as an existence in this experience.

Creativity? That’s a goddamned laugh! Where I am going a committee will decide what’s being taught, when and by whom. Thus I just need to regurgitate like a mother-vulture to her little bastards of flight. If you wish for a level of creativity, then I am in the wrong placement professionally, as I know the teachers well-enough to see they shall chide me, beat me and berate me constantly. And I know the teachers are as bored with their own jobs as I shall one day be with what I will endure in this experience of nausea and sadness. If I could I’d find an RPG-07 and fire it through the halls of the college of education at the head of the department watching her limbs fly off in assorted directions with nothing less than carnage and violence as my answer to the question above.

Grades planning and recording? That’s a series of gambles built against a quota of enforced lapsadasical work that teacher will record only 45% of and discard the rest. A 6-2 quinella would be more profitable for a child’s future in Texas; let them learn the odds of the Lotto before they step into math to see ALL of their life is already rigged against them. A series of grades are taken 2.5 for a 5 day week versus 7-12 assignments done by the teacher, thus only 20% or less is actually recorded and used as their final series of grades for the overall sense of achievement. Grades are a spreadsheet with odds stacked for the student to pass NO MATTER the times or ways they fuck up their own work.

Methodologies of teaching and expression? Fuck that! It comes down to controlling the little apes with a mother-fucking rule of iron crushing their windpipes and reaming their heads giving them some sense of fair-play in life even though they (the students in case you can’t follow the fucking pronouns) feel they’re entitled to every goddamned thing without the sense of achievement and worth. That’s why their heroes are assholes like Scarface, Fiddy Cent, and other dickheads whose prowess and growth came from the basest ideas in shitty violent music and abortive movie clichés the students can distinguish from fiction. They want reality mixed with fiction? Let’s go “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes” and teach them with the way of the club and a fuckin’ flame thrower to roast the dissidents!

(I want a cigarette and a Wild Turkey – in vino veritas. Or at least in whiskey too … don’t like my jokes? Fuck you then you scumbags!)

Your institution hasn’t taught teachers anything since the rigidness and lack of commitment is brazenly placed on unqualified and less-than-subhuman people who don’t care for teaching such as myself. I am a reptile, a CHUD, and do not care for anything that schooling has given me in all the courses I’ve taken than experience didn’t already place on my shoulders and in my black fuckin’ heart. I know many, MANY people who are doing this ridiculous job for a check, nothing more. If art sold I’d leave this profession and leave the state too, pissing on the university steps before heading out on the highway. Teachers are taught diplomacy and a way to work using their brains and not find themselves in a physical confrontation. But they’re unsure of what to do when physically challenged with someone unwilling to back down or to leave their own personal hatred and anger outside. When the evil of Columbine occurred, legislation was introduced to allow teachers to keep handguns in their personal vehicles. That’s goddamned stupid – if a kid needs a gun they can just go to the parking lot instead of trying to bring one into the classroom themselves. Teachers need to be taught fighting skills, armed and unarmed responses, how to maneuver in the classroom and what their health expectations should be at all times.

Thus, I have NO expectations. I foresee boredom, anger, seething, hatred and inner turmoil. I know that I can do this job easily and yet, I am going to be made to jump through hoops for someone else’s pleasure. I will barely pass due to the minutiae of the silliness of each and every “i” being dotted, and every “t” being crossed for someone’s personal amusement. If I felt any true grievous fear of the student body I’d stay armed with a buck knife so I could remove the heart and offer it to an ancient god from the depths of Lovecraft’s nightmares.

What shall I learn? That I wasted my time so much earlier in my life and this is my seventh level of a personal Hell that even Dante couldn’t have imagined without laughing and crying at the same time.

What will I do? Shit-work in my faux classroom for no pay for this damned semester. If you want truly qualified people to be ready to love teaching, then you need to show them love. Offer to remove the cost of a year’s tuition by 65% or to take their loans for 2 school years if they stay on contract. Student teaching will NOT pay me one red cent and I shall be among the lowest scumbags of parents, asshole and their spawn skulking about for nothing more than a meal to eat and a place to shit that’s clean or a real classroom to fuck up royally. Expulsion is a joke and there is no corporal punishment.

I admire people who truly love making a difference with children, even with the assholes who should have had their brains dashed against the rocks like Indian babies among the slaughters of the Old West. I weep, for they dwindle in numbers year after year, and no exceptions are made to make people who need to move forward without resentment applicable for a chance to do some good. In all honesty I hate the idea of teaching so much I know on my first day I’ll either vomit on the desk or shit my pants. Not from fear but from pure absolute hatred of my situation.

Becoming a teacher means my dreams are dead and I can’t tell children they can be what they wish when I can’t be that honest example of nothing more than a fucked-up human piece-of-shit!

Fuck you fuck this program fuck this life.


~ J ~

Suicide Is Painless

Lyrics to the song "Suicide is Painless"
Music by Johnny Mandel ~ Lyrics by Mike Altman

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

[REFRAIN]:

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...

[REFRAIN]

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.

[REFRAIN]

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.

[REFRAIN]

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...

[REFRAIN]

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

[REFRAIN]

'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please.

http://www.mash4077.co.uk/theme.html


*******
I keep wondering where life will take me next, and day by day I still feel like a loser, but that's an internal strife. There is always an undercoating of fear in my melancholy, and yet, somehow, I wait to see if life will change. Life as I, should be much better and happier and yet I still struggle to make ends meet and to be tranquil & understood.

Or maybe I need to understand myself instead.

Am I scared of life, or am I welcoming a slow death in my nightmare and anger and sadness?

What is it with me? Is my indecisiveness why I feel as I do? I wonder what my life will be like as of next year when I go into student teaching. This will mean no Literotica, no chats, more than likely no stories and no chances to be bad via phone or on IM's. It's a certain death of a lonely heart and I am going to have to deal with it.

My dreams are dying. They've been on life support since I was kicked out of the Marines in 1986 and when my first relationship dissolved into a murky blackness that I can't creep out of no matter what I try to do.

Tears sting my eyes daily ... I'm wondering if I should finally toss out all my old sketch books, let my old art disintergrate and crumble into dust and memories. Have the tubes of my heart & veins finally become arterially hardened and I die so very slowly, a constricted fucked-up human being who can't rise from the dead.

Will someone pluck me from my grave, or have I slid my own headstone over myself by idiocy and choice? Am I like Painless, in need of tenderness and love, or am I just a fool waiting for life to secure my place in legend or debris?

Maybe that can be discovered later.

Always,



~ J ~

Bad Church - New Religion (more later)

A Little Music - Smile A Bit My Friends

"Daydreamin'" - Lupe Fiasco featuring Jill Scott

[Hook]
Daydream
I fell asleep beneath the flowers
For a couple of hours
On a beautiful day

Daydream
I dream of you and meet the flowers
For a couple of hours
Such a beautiful day

[Verse]
As I Spy From Behind My Giant Robt's Eyes
I Keep Him Happy Cause I Might Fall out If He Cries
Scared Of Heights, So I Might Pass Out If He Flies
Keep Him On Autopilot Cause I Cant Drive
Room Enough For One, I Tell My Homies They Cant Ride
Unless They Sittin On The Shoulders But Thats Way Too High
Lets Try, Not To Step On The Children
The News Cameras Filming Us Walking Project Building
Now Theres Hoes Sellin Hoes, Like Around The Toes
And The Crackheads Beg, At About The Lower Leg
There's Crooked Police That's Stationed At The Knees
And They Do Drivebys Like Up And Down The Thighs
And As The Car Chase Going On At The Waist
Keep A Vest On My Chest
I'm Sittin In My Room As I'm Looking Out The Face
Something To Write About
I Still Got Some Damage From Fighting The White House
Just A...

[Hook]
Daydream
I fell asleep beneath the flowers
For a couple of hours
On a beautiful day

Daydream
I dream of you and meet the flowers
For a couple of hours
Such a beautiful day

[Verse]
Now Come On Everybody Lets Make ...And Cool
We Need A Few More Half Naked Women Up In The Pool
And Hold This Mack 10 That's All Covered In Jewels
And Could You Please Put Ya ...Closer To The 22s
And Where's The Champagne We Need Champagne
Now Look As Hard As You Can With This Blunt In Ya Hand
And Now Hold Up Ya Chain Slow Motion Through The Flames
Now Cue To Smoke Machines And The Simulated Brain
But Not Too Loud Cause The Baby's Sleepin
I Wonder If It Knows What The World Is Keepin
Up Both Sleeves While He Lay There Dreamin
Me And My Robot Tip To Round Creepin
I Had To Turn My Back On What Got You Paid
I Couldn't See Had The Hood On Me Like Abu Ghraib
But I'd Like To Thank The Streets That Drove Me Crazy
And All The Televisions Out There That Raised Me
I Was...

[Hook]
Daydream
I fell asleep beneath the flowers
For a couple of hours
On a beautiful day

Daydream
I dream of you and meet the flowers
For a couple of hours
Such a beautiful day

http://www.leoslyrics.com/listlyrics.php?hid=FeeP88SFFRw%3D

********




Always Will - Tweet


You keep telling me
That I'm way too sure
Of you loving me long time
But I bet you always will

In so many ways
I've run off on you
And you've been loving me long time
And I bet you always will

We're inseparable
Cause your soul's with mine
And you've, you've been loving me so long
And I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you go sail here across the ocean
I bet you always will

You can't take away
And you can't forget
That if you been loving me long time
And I bet you always will

You are worthy
Cause it's evident
That you been loving me so long
And I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you can go sail the ocean
I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
The Earth or the Moon
Heart to heart, we're still in tune
And you know, you know, hearts don't lie
I don't even care if we're not together
Cause that's the part that never lasts forever
I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you can sail the ocean
I bet you always will

I bet you always will....

http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/tweet-lyrics/always-will-lyrics.html