44

Happy Birthday to Me

It’s July 16, 2011, and I have been 44 years old for 3 days now.  A friend of mine is offering to buy me a website for my birthday so I can launch my dubious career as an erotic writer.  He’s hoping it will launch me into a sexual stratosphere with writers like Diablo Cody, who is now writing other things such as movie screenplays and books.

I am seriously thinking about it, and I am thinking hard regarding this idea.

This past Spring a friend & fellow blogger sent me some art supplies, which was a super-cool jump start to my feelings.  I am working hard not to let her (or anyone else who’s been encouraging) or myself down.  I’ve been studying for the latest test for certification, which is 4-8 generalist, meaning I’d be teaching the Hottentots, not the Mighty Mites, nor the big kids.  The ones in the middle, which is where I was 90% of last year, would be the next class/group I would teach.  I’ve also got a little anxiety about testing, since I know I can be nervous an fuck up badly, screwing up my future and paying for nothing.  I’ve blown (since ’09) $350 taking test.

I just want it to be done.

I just want to move on.

(Pause)

A friend of mine recently told me that I am a successful teacher, a good teacher, and that may be my place in life.

In my heart of hearts I am fighting it, and I don’t want to continue on this path.

I’ve been teaching for 15 years, in some capacity, and it truly doesn’t make me happy.

I’d like to be like Gaughin, leaving for Tahiti, painting tropical beauties, and living a life of solitude and quiet, but that’s not in the cards.

I have to say thank you for those who’ve gone out of their way to remind me I am a worthwhile human being, making me smile with little courtesies and warmth, showing me that I can be someone who means something to others.  All I need to do is believe it myself.

Thank you all for making my birthday a wonderful smile.

Blessings & Love,

~ j ~

p.s. “My mother was just cleared of her cancer treatments.  We haven’t discussed remission, continuing treatments or anything else.  There’s just a lot of tears and taking in all that this year has been emotionally for all of us.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, support and good thoughts.  They are all appreciated.”