Squabbling & Squawking

Squabbling & SquawkinToday sucked as a day would go. 

And I am truly beginning to rethink my career choices. 

I was situated in my classroom, tending to my kids when I was told about the extra kids I’d be getting that were not going on the field trip today.  Now I did know about the field trip the day before, and I went out and bought a few things for my day: sidewalk chalk, candy, both hard & assorted chocolates, and a few Monsters’ for myself.  I was briefed by another teacher, telling me that I’d be getting the kids and keeping them in the classroom for the first three (3) class periods.   And then they’d leave from time to time to their elective teachers; does the word clusterfuck mean anything to you?

By the way, remember last year when I was given the regular English classes to teach, and then when the New Year came I lost them for testing since I wasn’t certified?  Well, they’re back.  Some are damned thrilled to have me as their teacher, and others’ wish I were dead and buried.  They’ve been very clear they don’t give a tinkers’ what’s-it for me and I don’t lose any sleep worrying about popularity, so my days are busy.  We do SAT words, journal-writing, lots of open-ended discussions and I try reading the classics with them like Twain & Kipling, especially for their age.  I ask many questions to see how their brains develop recall, giving them notes and sometimes, the story to use for reinforcement, and ask them to try techniques for their practices such as using poetry terms like alliteration or words with suffixes or Latin roots to see where they are in abstract thought.

So today, since some of the teachers’ went on the field trip, and had substitutes, some kids didn’t want to stay with them and I was showing “The Land That Time Forgot”, a 1975 movie starring Doug McClure, the infamous 70’s B-actor from a lot of American International movies.  Then came the cartoons: The Simpsons, King of the Hill, and some Warner Brothers (Bugs & Daffy) clips and MGM (Tom & Jerry).  And, on top of all that,  I was handing out candy most of the morning, offering them the chance to be relaxed, and to just hang out with their friends, and offering finger-painting on large papers.

Some found their electives had one kid, (themselves) so I told them if they wanted to return, they could as long as they had permission.  Even with the chaos I still managed to get a list of kids, their ID #’s and keep track of them all, reining them in so they could be safe and secure.

So fuckin’ lousy a way to end the goddamned day.  We also had to rush over to see some play sponsored by the Opera Society of Alamo Heights, and the play was an allegory between bullying and Japan’s attack on Shanghai in the late 30’s or German concentration camps; honestly, I wasn’t paying attention as I had to monitor the kids behaviors. 

Then came the meeting with the principal at the end of the day.  That was a total bitch-fest, nothing more.  One teacher, a fat fuckin’ troll of a woman, was trying to get her class to do work, not offering them a movie, or some kind of fun activities.  She shouted in the meeting, “I didn’t know what to do!  They came asking to go to Mr. So-and-So’s room because he was having candy and movies!  What was I supposed to do?”

I knew the ridiculous troll was talking about me so I kept my tongue closed, and didn’t shout, “Tell them NO!  You’re their fuckin’ teacher you piece-of-shit idiot!!  FUCK, it’s just a goddamned request!  Turn it the FUCK down and tell them to do your work assignments!”

It was in me but I didn’t say a word.

Not one fuckin’ word.  And everyone knew who this lady was trying to embarrass so I kept my mouth closed and my eyes down on the tabletop, never uttering a syllable.

A friend of mine sent me some art supplies to refresh my soul, and in all honesty, the soul is coming along.  It’s slow, but it’s coming around, and I am beginning to feel like me.  I was gonna invest in a projector, make some sample signs, and start painting again.  I still plan to do so but I’m feeling chaotic at the moment.

Besides the mess of a field trip for the west wing group, there’s a few more things to consider:

Monday my east wing group is going on their field trip.  Now it’s my turn to plan a disaster.

My CV axle is coming apart.  My car is shaking apart.  It will need to be repaired staring at $100 not including time & the service charge for labor or parts.  And that’s the cheapest I’ve found so far, but I’ll do another web search & see if there’s a better deal out there.

A student loan I took out is going into default.  I need $9000 by May 31 or my wages will be garnished.  That’ll be goddamned funny as I won’t be working shortly afterwards.  (It’s already tickling me.)

I won’t be working as a substitute teacher after June 6^th as that will be the last day of school, so I have to make something of the talent God gave me and I must be successful.  I don’t have an option of failure.

When I came home today I had just visited my father.  My mom’s at 90% remission on her cancer, and I can calmly keep from crying every time I see her.  I never gave her the grandchildren she hopes for, and I need someone in life to help me, unless I adopt.  And without a real source of income, that’s a futile grasp into nothingness.

He told me, “Be tough.  So it’s gonna cost $500 or more.  It’s just money.  Be a Marine; show no fear.”

It didn’t help: “Dad, I got kicked out of the Marines, remember?”

I know he was trying to help me feel better, stronger, enpowered, but that wasn’t it.  Now if he said, “Your winning number for tonight are 10, 05, 67, 14, 07, and 69.”, then that could have been a greater boost to my needs.

My palm didn’t itch.  My dogs are fed, and I had a sliver of Wild Turkey to calm me down as I ponder the future while working on the present.

Let’s see what happens next.