**** The school I'm working at has just offered me a job, and I hate the idea that now my dreams have become solidified into a 'job'. I don't know if I'll ever have a chance to write more erotic short stories or play on-line with my friends & part-time lovers.
No phone sex.
No real sex.
No visits.
At this point, to alleviate my madness I am thinking about just going to visit one of my lovers before the window of pleasure and timing closes once and for all. I am glad she's my friend & lover and she makes me smile in ways you can't imagine, and NOT just for sex or perversions, but with her friendship and her desire to make me happy, inside and out.
I'd leave my life in Texas for her.
She's worth the chaos, the madness, the weirdness, and the spinning lies and paranoia.
Life only allows a few gambles in life: this could be one of them for me.
I'm either returning with a big smile on my face and memories galore, or I am going to be chased back to the US by a missed-meeting chance and a so-close-and-yet-so-far-away moment. It would be nice and I could have a little hope for the greatest sexual experience or I could be sorely disappointed.
I've actually been invited to Alabama, and to Florida.
Maybe I'll need to take more trips this summer.
If you look at this statue you'll see a small gold charm tied to the wrist. This is called a 'milagro', which is a way for the faithful to transmit prayers and hopes for small miracles to occur via the favorite saint of devotion.
Almásy: New lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire.
(later in the movie after the plane crash)
Almásy: Every night I cut out my heart. But in the morning it was full again.
Hana: If one night I didn't come to see you, what would you do? Kip: I'd try not to expect you. Hana: Yes, but if it got late ... and I hadn't shown up? Kip: Then I'd think, there must be a reason. Hana: You wouldnt come to find me? Hmm, that makes me never want to come here. Then I'd tell myself, 'He spends all day searching. In the night he wants to be found.' Kip: I do. I do want you to find me. I do want to be found.
Almásy: I promise, I'll come back for you. I promise, I'll never leave you.
I am looking for someone special in my life; some days I feel so damned trapped and other days I feel like the great libertine that I wish I were. The hedonist has tripped, and has fuckin' fallen down.
I am hoping to find someone special ... someone who will fulfill my wants & needs. Hopefully I'll know something more about my heart with this delight and this search for my dream.
Maybe my dreams are warped ... but I've wanted them for SO long. They have never waned.
I am student teaching, and I am unhappy. I can be a good teacher, and I can be a good student but I don't think I'll ever be happy doing this job. And I literally mean, 'a job' ... a fuckin' job.
It's not joyous, I am not going to live for long, and I plan to live a LONG fuckin' life and have the thrills of a lifetime.
I need to live my life as I want, not as I need. I complain often and crush my hopes and desires with the impossiblities first, fantasizing and thinkin' about 'what could be if God did this for me' and accepting that this is te only way things will happen for my life & dreams: 'Divine Intervention'.
No more.
No fuckin' more!
Jump!
JUMP!!
I must take the last step, the leap-of-faith, or I'll never have children, joy or honesty and love in my life.
I hae to do what I Love as much as I have to do what it takes to make it all come true.
Recently I've been told that I am very much depressed, and I know that I am just dissatisfied with where the road is taking me. Maybe I need to follow what Frost called "The Road Not Taken", and see where I go with this path.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
"EVERYBODY GOT TO HAVE A DREAM." ~ DJay: [at the end of the movie, when walking back to his cell]
I know that I've already acted in small movies, and I love writing, teaching and creating. One of the greatest joys I ever had was the coffe house program with the kids from my church; a friend of mine told me how he did so 'impersonation is the greatest form of flattery', and I did the same thing with my class.
It worked, and I loved it.
It gave me the chance to showcase and it gave me the chance to showcase others.
I want that again.
Dreams have to happen soon - or I am going to die without ever making a smile happen or a dream wake to the sunrise.
IF HE CHANGED MAH NAME Traditional Negro Spiritual As sung by Benjamin Matthews (Opera Ebony)
I told Jesus it would be all right if He changed mah name, changed mah name. I told Jesus it would be all right if He changed mah name, changed mah name. I told Jesus it would be all right if He changed mah name, changed mah name.
Jesus told me I'd-a have to live humble if he changed mah name, changed mah name. Jesus told me I'd-a have to live humble if he changed mah name, changed mah name. Jesus told me I would have to live humble if he changed mah name, changed mah name.
Terrence Howard (DJay) Feat. Taraji P. Henson (Shug) -
It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp Lyrics
[Chorus 2X: Shug - singing] + (Djay) You know it's hard out here for a pimp (you ain't knowin) When he tryin to get this money for the rent (you ain't knowin) For the Cadillacs and gas money spent (you ain't knowin) [1] Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit (you ain't knowin) [2] Will have a whole lot of bitches talkin shit (you ain't knowin)
[Djay] In my eyes I done seen some crazy thangs in the streets Gotta couple hoes workin on the changes for me But I gotta keep my game tight like Kobe on game night Like takin from a ho don't know no better, I know that ain't right Done seen people killed, done seen people deal Done seen people live in poverty with no meals It's fucked up where I live, but that's just how it is It might be new to you, but it's been like this for years It's blood sweat and tears when it come down to this shit I'm tryin to get rich 'fore I leave up out this bitch I'm tryin to have thangs but it's hard fo' a pimp But I'm prayin and I'm hopin to God I don't slip, yeah
[Chorus]
[Djay] Man it seems like I'm duckin dodgin bullets everyday Niggaz hatin on me cause I got, hoes on the tray But I gotta stay paid, gotta stay above water Couldn't keep up with my hoes, that's when shit got harder North Memphis where I'm from, I'm 7th Street bound Where niggaz all the time end up lost and never found Man these girls think we prove thangs, leave a big head They come hopin every night, they don't end up bein dead Wait I got a snow bunny, and a black girl too You pay the right price and they'll both do you That's the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin Gotta have my hustle tight, makin change off these women, yeah
[Chorus]
[Thanks to lordof4square@aol.com, sweet2beknown@yahoo.com for lyrics]
