Stay The Course

Stay the Course

“You never give yourself more credit than you really deserve.” – M (1996)
“You’re the only one I’ve known never to give up on your dreams.” – J (2009)

I am doing something I haven’t done in a long time, deeming myself a smart motherfucker: I am reading someone else’s work, and working hard to listen. I have to find a way to make my dreams work; because I know that I don’t want to be like Henry Darger, the man who created the epic “Vivian Girls” saga in art and writing. He worked at this all his life, and died alone and penniless, and the world almost never knew of this amazing piece because it was almost tossed out after his death. Darger never told anyone of his artistic inclinations, his creativity, or anything else he did in private. His landlord discovered all these amazing items when his apartment was being emptied for a future rental. His work spanned decades, item upon item laying the saga of the “Vivian Girls” out in a huge sequence like a history of the fantastic.
It’s not easy being me. I have more self-loathing than a suicidal man does, fears abound and I don’t know or acknowledge the things happening to me or what good things I may do for or with my talents. And I doubt them and myself.

Now, in reading and finding that I need to create more, more prolifically, and as often as possible, I am making myself a path into the future. My future has to be something I am happy with all the time, doing something I love all the time, and thinking to myself that it can’t get any better than this because I am fulfilled.

Christmas day I started doodling on cups, making little caricatures for everyone just because they asked, and I enjoyed it. Now I need to draw more, make better efforts to create and to be found on the internet or to create an audience. And yet, can I look and honestly say that my stories with a sexual bend are artistically wrong, or am I just looking at the wrong audience? IF I am going to be a writer, and writing with a pornographic bend, then I need to be the damned best pornographer possible. No slacking off, no falling back, and no using it as a way to meet chicks. I have to find my audience, create a method and a way for others to arouse themselves and want to off it to others because it’s that damned good!

Several projects are stirring the pot right now, but one thing I need to do is draw again. I need to make the comic stories/graphic novels appear even in limited audiences. I need to make the best of life happen for myself, and can’t be ashamed or embarrassed with the results or with my decisions. All these things have to pass, and have to come about, or I’ll have wasted my life.

So, what needs to be done?

Here’s a list:

1. Write daily, no matter what. Make sure there’s an hour at least to write somewhere in the house privately. This means no internet (web surfing), no movies, no distractions, no noise, no phone, nothing to keep you from putting down 500 – 3500 words for a new novel, series, or anything that could be part of your future.
2. Read when you can. Read as much about your craft, building your skills, or learning from other authors or artist. Read from successful writers and artist, not people with only a self-help book to their credit and not the kind of book/work/art you care to have or do for your guide.
3. Don’t take your laptop to school as often as you did before. You won’t have the time to create or work on something there with the students around you so leave it at home. However, take a notebook or paper with you in a briefcase (along with some books) so you can have a little inspiration or at least to take notes about what you want to create later when you’re alone.
4. Try saving some of your money. If you plan to leave Texas, you’re going to need every cent you can glean from all your jobs and anything you can make on the side.
5. Dump Pride. Pride’s gotten you nowhere, and without anything (like skill, money or a new path) to back it up, it won’t take you where you want to go in the future.
6. Be humble but not a doormat. Be proud but not conceited. Be happy but not to the point where you need happiness or you feel like a failure.
7. Stop crying and quitting all the damned time. You fucked up; fix it & move on.
8. Draw what you see when you can. You’re not Van Gogh, Picasso, Todd McFarlane or Jack Kirby. But you do possess the skill; you’re just not fuckin’ using it. Make the best effort to sketch as often as possible, and make or create guides if you’re going to practice anything as intricate as people or certain places.
9. Remember that art is fluid: you can use anything as long as you’re able to express your emotions or ideas. Don’t let a limit of money or resources hinder your creativity.
10. Write in/on your Blog: Tell your stories to other artist, writers or people who have been supportive or assisting in your creativity process. Hopefully, someone will be able to get you into a place where you can make money with something you write or create from your obscene imagination.
11. Give some things away. Create something for a web audience or create something that will get you noticed some way, somehow … maybe one comic series or graphic novel to post through your blog & an art website. Something to get you an audience.
12. Make an effort to get out into an artistic community and to get them to know you as much as you know them or their work. Also, find like-minded people who are willing to help you. NO MORE FUCKING VAMPIRES IN YOUR LIFE! THEY HAVE BEEN WITH YOU FOR TOO FUCKING LONG!
13. Enjoy your time or your skills or your audience. Without enjoyment, you’re going to go off the deep end into depression and sadness and finally, really die and hate your life, for as little as it could be when you lose your mind.

Now that I have my list, what’s next? I’ve been through the “New Year’s Resolution” phase and worked for a while, then quit or my energies petered out on me. And by March or April, I am on another rant about how my life sucks and I hate myself for not keeping my own word or making a better life. Should I print this out? Possibly but then I’m the only one who knows what I wrote and what it means to me. Should I share it with my friends? That could be the best answer, but that’s still limited support.

Posting it on the internet? That may work.

Ask for support among the artistic and writing communities and maybe then, you can find yourself doing what you love without hating what you do.

Money will come later.

Money has to come later. This life and these dreams can’t survive without it, but let’s be honest: you don’t want to be a teacher. You don’t want to be a salesman. You don’t want to work for someone else or on something you can’t take credit for, so you need to be prolific, continuous, and fluid. Working as often as possible, and making the best effort to learn, read, or make headway into your own dreams. Without it you’re only going to hate yourself more than you do now.

Without dreams, there’s no reason to go on living, even if others don’t approve of your dreams.
You can’t live for approval any longer. That’s been what moved you forward before, and it’s always stalled your dreams.

Move of your own accord.

Move for your own volitions and desires.

Stop crying and start living, working and making the path you desire.
After that you’re either gonna have a pot of dreams, or a hell of a story to tell.





~ j ~

A Little Blush

A Little Blush



I am working retail for the holidays and part-time, trying to make extra money and my life a little better in case I want to chase my dreams or pursuit something wicked again. But I love that there’s an innate reaction to a smile and a kind demeanor, and I am hoping for a little blush.
Have you ever given someone a little blush? Given them a chance to stare and you, fumble their words and stumble over their own tongue, looking away from you and smiling or even letting some color into their cheeks, a rosy tint touching their flesh ever so softly, like an artist brush on pale canvas?

I love that feeling.



I’m sure all people of all genders, tendencies and the like always hope for that reaction, wanting people smiling and wishing they could touch you, interact in your life, and even be yours’ briefly. Sometimes, I like that feeling hitting me also; a touch of blush from someone you meet who makes you blather and you can only whisper the word “Wow”, upon seeing them for the first time.

Possibly the last too, but they’re not leaving your mind soon.
That feeling, that heat, that blush is always gonna be there. And you’re always gonna revisit it.
I know that I do.



Part of my inner self says, “You want a trophy wife don’t you?”
And another part says, “But you’re a tub of shit, and you’re kinda ugly and humble, reclusive and nerdy. You’re a lousy fuck and you’re boring. All that matters is your art and scribbling your stories, and that’s never gonna make you a catch in any way. You’re not a trophy husband, but a booby prize.”
Maybe I need to be a trophy husband.

Maybe I need to make the fuckin’ sacrifices to get ahead and find some new life, without regrets or moving home, or ever looking down at yourself as a failure, being miserable, or thinking that you’re a bad person.



You’re not a bad person.
Honestly … you’re a good one.
You’ve always given, and you’re really not one to fly into your temptations easily. All you sacrifice has to be worth it in the end and you can’t have any regrets. THAT’S how you have to live: without regrets.
Without fear.
Without hesitation.
Without sadness.
And that has to be how your life is carried out, or you’re going to your grave with all the madness, sadness and hostility that you harbor now. And THAT will be your personal Hell.
There’s more to life than working, sleeping and resuming the same concentric cycle of eating, shitting, and sleeping. There has to be passion, love, joy and internal happiness. You have to have it inside you or you’re going to be miserable until your dying day.
This blog, this journal, these notes … they are the cobblestones of your path to a dream.

• A bigger dream than most people can realize.
• A bigger desire than most people will ever achieve.
• And you can’t hold back any longer.
• Or you will die soon.
• That’s the Truth … honest and complete.
• All you need to do is leap.
• All you need to do is incur some blushing.
• All you need to do is follow your dreams.

Ciao.



~j~

~ question mark ~

Why me, God?

I am more awake today than I’ve ever been in life. I wonder if God exist, or even listens? Maybe if he’s there I’m just a bad son and unworthy of His love and assistance. Maybe I never deserved it. All my life I have been pained and saddened with guilt and an inability to be successful or genuinely happy. And in the moments I do have I am cut short, made sadder and almost suicidal.

· My cousin got sick & died. No miracle there, even after all the suffering she endured.

· I cheated on one of my wives; she still wanted me back and I continued my pattern of madness.

· I have a small series of peeks at my stories. No honest interest. Nothing to make me noticeable.

· One woman crosses into my life in a way I can’t imagine, and I can’t even enjoy my fleeting (and singular) moment with her.

· My personal depression and sadness goes on unabated.

· My self-esteem is held in check, and spins like a turd down the toilet.

· I want to cry often, and hold back my tears with lust and perversions.

· I’m fat and ugly. You can’t fight that combination.

Does He exist, or am I not allowing Him to touch me? Am I repellent to Him as to the people I love or choose? I may be crying, and maybe the tears will bring a clarity to my eyes that I can’t see yet.

Maybe.

~ j ~

http://www.doesgodexist.org/

http://www.everystudent.com/features/isthere.html

http://www.gotquestions.org/Does-God-exist.html

http://www.atheist.net/article/article_358.html

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/forum/forum_comments/3131/

http://www.sciforums.com/showthread.php?t=22326

Angry New Year

Greetings A/all ...

Happy & Blessed 2010. Please keep me in your happy thoughts as I am moving a lot of things from storage into a new space. I am hoping not to lose or have to replace them as they are priceless.

There was a burglary recently, and noone was hurt, but the assholes fucked with my peace. I hate thinking about harming people because they disturbed my peace.




So ... moving ... expenses.

Chaos.

But I must take it in that noone was hurt, and nothing lost to date. I could be wrong but I'll know when I go to that other site & begin moving my things.

Ciao.


~ j ~

The Real Meaning

"Mary Did You Know"

[Originally written by Mark Lowry and Buddy Greene]

Mary, did you know

that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?

Mary, did you know

that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?

Did you know

that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?

This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know

that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?

Mary, did you know

that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?

Did you know

that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?

When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.

The deaf will hear.

The dead will live again.

The lame will leap.

The dumb will speak

The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know

that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?

Mary, did you know

that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?

Did you know

that your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?

The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great, I Am.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/clayaiken/marydidyouknow.html

Merry Christmas!

Images Galore

Okay Gang & Readers,

Happy Holidays. I've been kinda a dick for a while whining & bitching so I need to change my life and do something more.

If it's meant to be something will happen - if not it was an amazing ride & I can never regret any decision I made, even if some people regret meeting me.

Here's a little Christmas cheer.

Always,

Julian

Ho Ho No: Postal Service Drops Santa Letters Program - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News - FOXNews.com

Ho Ho No: Postal Service Drops Santa Letters Program - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News - FOXNews.com

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