Confession & Sacrifice

¹Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. ²But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. ³The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. ⁵Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ⁶I say this as a concession, not as a command. ⁷I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

⁸Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. ⁹But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

¹⁰To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. ¹¹But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

1 Corinthians 7; 1-11

Bible Gateway on-line


Today I am confessing: I am (or was really) a married man while playing on-line. My spouse was so vanilla we had lusty moments with the covers drawn and the lights off.



But I wasn't a good husband either. I cheat, cyber-cheat, got panties in the mail, and ached to be free by following my dreams.

Sadly, my dreams weren't coming true in any way and I was stuck in that relationship.

She's still trying to bail water on the Titanic & I am trying to avoid the icebergs.

I'm not a good man, nor can I ever profess to being anything beyond human. I am weak, inane, and unable to control some of my baser-emotions.



So what do I want? I want a woman who won't be jealous if I am looking at someone else: a woman who's a hedonist. She's aching to have a threesome, a gang-bang, or an occasional lusty moment she recounts for me when we're alone later.

I had the wife I wanted once.

Once showed me I deserve so very much more. Here in Texas I stay out of fear, out of worry whether I'll be alone all my life or not, whether I'll be happy being an ordinary average guy.



She wouldn't cringe when I write poems honestly expressing my feelings or wonder how I got the naked photos I am using for a reference.




She knows she can be honest: Sin on Saturday night/church on Sunday morning.




She can boost my ego and make an effort to be a new creation each time. We wouldn't make faces about exercise, lust or adventures. Money would not be an issue and we'd try making each other as happy as possible without hesitation.



Maybe I went the wrong way in all this: maybe I need a new life as well as a new creation inside myself before I present myself to a new lover or spouse.




I'm gonna be 43 this summer. I'd like to have kids. But the life I lead in Texas is going to keep me where others want me, and I can't stay that guy, that normal, that quiet, that much in the back of my vanilla life.

This is my confession; so what is my sacrifice? Ennui. Death to procrastination. An end to wanting, jealousy and sadness.

THOSE are my Holocaust to God, and to a new life.

I was free-falling in January when I began scribbling more for my new books than ever. And I am trying ...

Maybe a new way of thinking needs to be my thread. That way weaving my escape net.

Church of Satan

Maybe ...

Okay, that's enough honesty for now.


Ciao.


~ j ~