Today ...

Is quiet.

Really.

A smile came to and it caught me off-guard.  Wow ... someone thought of me recently.

❤

¡Adios!

Been A While ...

I don't know what happened to the images I posted last year but I guess that's what happens from a lack of maintenance.

Try again later.


~j~

Evil Odd Dreaming

Evil dream

I had a dream about her.  She showed up in jeans, a tight t-shirt and her hair loose, exactly the way I left her years ago.  She didn't smile or react to me moving about shirtless in my folks old house on West Avenue, which was a crappy house to grow up in but still, filled with love.  I wish I had been the kind of man my father was instead of the dreamer I am, thus living so marginally.  I'm 46, alone, without kids and in debt.  I think I should be rich now, calm, thinking and helping instead of fretting and wondering.  She stayed watching me move about, talking to my brother, sorting school supplies and getting ready for the (I assume) next day.

Then I grabbed a T-shirt which didn't fit and forced it over my torso and past my gut.  She looked at me and hugged me tight; I hugged her tight too pressing her gorgeous body to mine squeezing her as close as possible.  I looked over her shoulder at my reflection and everything seemed to fade quickly.

Next I found myself in a two story building teaching CCD classes to my former students.  In the room was a guy I went to junior high who has the same last name as me but his name ended with an S.  I was moving between the classroom & the office, though the place did remind me a mall more than anything with big windows everywhere.  The ceilings were high and I smiled, looking on a table at a row of portraits of mothers & daughters.

I saw a high school crush with her daughter in an old photo knowing the daughter was older now.  I picked it up taking it with me.

Very strange.

A Question for Now (Addendum)

Read the story here ...

And then there's this little bit of sadness here ...

And finally here ...

None of these links are mine but I'll be working at a conservative Academy in North San Antonio so I must keep my hidden life of erotica and pained opinions and vulgar thoughts calm and quiet.

Deep inside I can't hide who I am & will rue the day I am found nailing a co-workers college age daughter or sexting her to the chagrin of the church and mom!  And yes, I'll be in deep unless I am marrying a 19 year old strumpet.

So I'll try being good.  I'll try staying out of trouble, controversy and mischief.  I'm a liar, a cheater and a deviate.  Those things I can't lie about, but they can be hidden.




At least until I'm writing professionally & rich.  Of course I should also ask the Almighty for a cock like John Holmes, to be thinner, healthy with the stamina of a bull.  ~lol~

Still trying.  Never giving up.


Thank you all for your lessons, desires and prayers.

Always,




~j~

Brand New Day

STING LYRICS - "Brand New Day"

How many of you people out there

Been hurt in some kind of love affair

And how many times do you swear that you'll never love again?

How many lonely, sleepless nights 

How many lies, how many fights 

And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?

"Love is pain," I hear you say 

Love has a cruel and bitter way 

Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain

How could it be that what you need the most 

Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?

You never want to feel so sad and lost again

One day you could be looking 

Through an old book in rainy weather 

You see a picture of her smiling at you

When you were still together 

You could be walking down the street 

And who should you chance to meet 

But that same old smile that you've been thinking of all day

You can turn the clock to zero, honey

I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money 

We're starting up a brand new day 

Turn the clock all the way back

I wonder if she'll take me back 

I'm thinking in a brand new way 

Turn the clock to zero, sister

You'll never know how much I missed her 

Starting up a brand new day 

Turn the clock to zero, boss

The river's wide, we'll swim across 

Started up a brand new day

It could happen to you - just like it happened to me 

There's simply no immunity - there's no guarantee

I say love's such a force - if you find yourself in it 

And sometimes no reflection is there

Baby wait a minute, wait a minute 

Wait a minute, wait a minute 

Wait a minute, wait a minute 

Turn the clock to zero, honey 

I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money 

We're starting up a brand new day 

Turn the clock to zero, Mac 

I'm begging her to take me back 

I'm thinking in a brand new way 

Turn the clock to zero, boss

The river's wide, we'll swim across 

Started up a brand new day 

Turn the clock to zero buddy 

Don't wanna be no fuddy duddy 

Started up a brand new day

I'm the rhythm in your tune 

I'm the sun and you're the moon 

I'm a bat and you're the cave 

You're the beach and I'm the wave 

I’m the plow and you’re the land

You're the glove and I'm the hand

I'm the train and you're the station 

I'm a flagpole to your nation - yeah

Stand up all you lovers in the world 

Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl 

Stand up all you lovers in the world 

Starting up a brand new day

I'm the present to your future

You're the wound and I’m the suture

You're the magnet to my pole

I'm the devil in your soul

You're the pupil I'm the teacher

You're the church and I'm the preacher

You're the flower I'm the rain

You're the tunnel I'm the train

Stand up all you lovers in the world 

Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl 

Stand up all you lovers in the world 

Starting up a brand new day

You're the crop to my rotation

You're the sum of my equation

I'm the answer to your question

If you follow my suggestion

We can turn this ship around

We'll go up instead of down

You're the pan and I'm the handle

You're the flame and I'm the candle

Stand up all you lovers in the world

Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl

Stand up all you lovers in the world

We're starting up a brand new day

Transient Lives, A Small Shock & Dry Heaves

I haven't written in some time & for that I apologize.  I've been busy working at my new job at a Christian Academy and they pride themselves on "Cleanliness of the body & soul being next to Godliness."  And when I signed my contract I found that I could be released for "Moral Turpitude", meaning if they found anything that could be construed as a vulgar, demeaning, non-Christian lifestyle or desire I could be released without a moment's notice. 

Granted I don't use the schools' server or ISP or check anything wicked, naughty or fun on my shitty cell phone (I can't wait to get a jail-break-ed iPhone!) nor do I use the neighbors Wi-Fi any longer, not even for non-pornographic materials or Mp3's.  I stay quiet, visit my brother, do grades, write longhand and read as often as possible.  I also eat out since it's always a bitch cooking for one.

Or two from time to time.  I met another teacher who's quite vanilla but she's kind and I don't want to meet her family yet so there's space; I'm in a duplex my family got me into but they're nosy so I am keeping secrets in all directions, just like I have for so many years regarding my on-line life.

I don't know if I'll ever be honest.  Few people know me and I hide a lot from many people but today was one that caught me off guard.  I was on Vance Jackson & Loop 410 when I saw a guy playing guitar at the intersection.  He had a small dog at his feet on a leash.  I drove up the street, bough a can of dog food with the pull-top lid and made change for a $20 dollar bill.  When I came back he was gone and I spied him off to one side drinking a bottled water someone passing probably gave him and the dog sat under the shade of the bus stop.  When I parked, I came closer and was shocked: the dog was a spitting image of the dog I had to put to sleep a few years back.  Even the little coloration of the mustache was a shocker. 

(Later I dug out the photos in the box when I came home & checked.  I cried a little more.)

My friend with me is an RC buff & wanted to look at the models at HobbyTown.  Despite having my own dogs I almost offered this guy $200 for the dog.  But deep down inside if you love a dog & it loves you back nothing can replace that relationship, not even money.  He told me it was someone else's dog and I kept having memories trigger little shocks in me.  I hadn't thought of this dog in years and here it was again, in all his glory.

My friend took a photo for me, led me off and we shook hands with the young man, hoping he finds a safe place in one of the shelters or a good Samaritan to aid him in his journey.  Just to see the dog, after wandering around HobbyTown I thought about asking him to stay with me for a while. 

When I came out they were gone.  I could have checked the shelter lines downtown, I could have called the local charities, but I don't think it was meant for me to do so.  I gave him some money, and the memory some food, and I wept.

Happy 2013

Well, the world didn't end, and we're all here regretting that last second reconnect or hook-up, the family member who should have stayed distant, and all the canned food and ammo we bought for our family .22 Marlin.

But there's a time & a place for everything, including regret.

I regret not spending more time here.  I regret not answering people over the holidays and I regret and hope to apologize for some weak, small responses and hope to make better on all the love and support given the previous year.

I am going to do my best to be a good teacher, but at 22K prorated for my Christian school I am not performing miracles.  On the plus side they treat me very well and I have conference and planning periods so I can't complain.

Love or lust?  That's gotta be on hold, though the occasional dalliance could be fun.

When that happens we'll account for it.

For now Happy New Year & God Bless you all.

Much love,

~j~