Goodbye Whitney

Goodnight, Whitney

               

I was having dinner when a friend of mine sent me a text: songbird Whitney Houston died tonight (02/11/’12).

                 

My food fell out of my mouth.  I dribbled powdered mashed potatoes, gagging slightly; wondering what brought her to this moment in her life and eventual death.  I remember seeing her on an LP cover, her gorgeous figure taking me back to being a nervous, twitching 17-year-old kid in the record stacks at Sears.  Then I spied her a few months later and shelled out $8.99 at TG&Y for the cassette.

               

“You Give Good Love” and “Saving All My Love for You”, made an impression on me and I had a slight crush on the former-model-turned-songstress.  A while later while working downtown, as my taste turned to metal and punk around my friends, I still crushed on Whitney, buying her second album in 1987 where I would also buy bootlegs of concerts and filters for a bong I shared occasionally with a friend of mine who worked downtown with me.  She giggled that I listened to Whitney and Rick Astley, and enjoyed Motley Crüe and Poison with her, trying not to be pegged into one genre.

                 

When I finally had my own CD player, a big, bulky thing in the late 90’s, I jumped at Apple Records & LP’s on San Pedro and bought a used copy of “The Bodyguard” soundtrack.  According to some legends/rumors, Lawrence Kasdan wrote the story in the late 70’s, hoping to entice Steve McQueen into pairing with Diana Ross, who was still hot after her dramatic roles in “Mahogany” and “Lady Sings the Blues”.

                 

As I read “American Psycho”, I loved the diatribes/thoughts by Patrick Bateman on Whitney’s first album, then on life in general before chopping people to bits.  (I don’t know why but I always saw Casper Van Diem in the role which was made amazing by Christian Bale.  You go over-the-top, get him!)  I wish I could go that deep into lunacy some days.

                 

I never worried about her acting, as her singing was the money-maker.  I remember seeing her making men swoon on an episode of “Silver Spoons” as she sang to attorney Franklin Seales.  Her singing on the “Waiting to Exhale” CD, made me smile to no end as it was an amazing Christmas gift.

                

 Somewhere along the way she married Bobbie Brown, who’s claim to fame was a tour called “Humping Around the World”.  She also gained a drug addiction, a horrible marriage, and a lifestyle that would make Hunter Thompson wince.  It made me sad and I shelved all my old feelings for Whitney.

                 

Now she’s gone.  

 None like her again. 

She grew up and old with me, and she died too soon.

                

 Goodbye Whitney.

                 

God bless and rest you.  This world drank your soul and your talents, and others drank your spirit and your life even before Death came calling.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whitney_Houston_(album)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bodyguard

http://whitneyhouston-site.com/the-bodyguard

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whitney_Houston

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Psycho

http://pajoyner.blogspot.com/2007/11/whitney-houston-on-silver-spoons-1985.html

If & Desiderata

 If by Rudyurd Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

******

Desiderata by Max Erhmann

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

 

 

Happy 2012

I am scribbling my first blog for the New Year. 

Happy 2012 everyone! 

I have been ill with congestion and some friends gathered to get me some cough syrup with codine, a half box of Musinex, and oranges and bananas to keep the Vitamin C and potassium inside my body.  I've been drinking more water, more chamomille tea, and coffee.  No cold drinks, no Pibb Xtra, no Dr. Pepper, no meals out for over a week.  Just the aforementioned fruits, canned soup, and Vienna sausages chopped up to add to the soup.

I am getting ready reading the lesson plans for a teacher who wants me to take over for her when she goes on maternity leave.  Sadly, HR tells me I can't go in until the water breaks and I don't want to take a job for someone else then suddenly have to leave and put that teacher into the round-robin of crappy substitutes.  After I drop a job it goes back into the pot and either someone picks it or the district assigns it but the teacher loses all control of who's in the room in their absence.

So today I am writing and cleaning.  I can try making a dent in the mess I've accumulated, maybe cart some things off to storage, Goodwill, and so forth.  I've gotta try drawing and making things happen this year.  If the world ends then all my dreams die with me.  If I don't strike first someone else could do an idea I have better than me and that would sadden me greatly.

Oh ... and I also have to sign up for a drivers' ed class as quick as possible.  I'm due back in court on the 23 of January, 2012 for speeding in a school zone.  Sadly it was the day I was called in at the last second and I couldn't blame it on the principal.  Now speeding isn't a worry any longer.  Of course my court cost were $175 that were non-refundable but thems the breaks, right?

My sister had her usual New Year's blowout and made menudo.  If you don't know this dish it's fats, bones, hominy and many other spicy and frightening things.  That and a few shots made the blockage go away faster than the medication.

I am on the mend.  I am on the spiritual mend too and working a little harder each time.

Thanks for listening.

Love you all bunches!

afare24get

Singing Aloud & Unapologetically

"Mary Did You Know"

[Originally written by Mark Lowry and Buddy Greene]
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great, I Am. 

Lyrics found here.

I'm not known for singing; my voice is flat and broad, and I have a small tickle in my throat that is either hereditary or just a condition that shows I should NOT be singing.  But today, Christmas, I was at 8:00 a.m. mass and this song came up on the projectors in the church for group singing.  I couldn't resist and I wouldn't have ever thought of not singing along with the choir no matter how softly I sang or whether I was off-key, missing the marks, or even if anyone looked or not.  

I was able to sing one of my favorite songs, period.  I was able to sing without reservation, needing to be part of something, or conscious of what others thought at that moment.

And then it happened ... kinda freaked me out.

I could feel myself crying.  It hasn't been an amazing year, and it hasn't been a great Christmas as I am still living off the crumbs of a substitute teachers' salary, hoping that my dreams come true someway ... somehow.  I'm fearful of mediocrity and worried this is as good as my expression ever becomes, and yet I keep plucking at the Wall.

Is the Wall inside me?  Have I given my failures a greater importance than they truly deserve?  Or am I just scared and anxious?

Right now it's a step-by-step process and all I can do is keep trodding forward until something happens and I have to keep smiling and hoping and working and wishing, dream by dream ... moment by moment.

Maybe those little tears were supposed to come out of me.  Maybe this is the time when we're all supposed to feel loved and to love one another.

One more step.  2012 is on the horizon.  Either the end of the World or the beginning of a New Day.

We'll see.

Thanks for listening.

Much love,

~ j ~ 

Merry Christmas Apology

Dearest Friends,

Merry Christmas.  If that's not how you roll then 'Happy Holidays.'  I wish you the blessings and love this season allows and I pray you're had a successful year and are headed into an even greater light of joy, love, pleasure and happiness.

You deserve it and I can only hope it happens for you.

It's been a hell of a year and I am trying to make all my own dreams come true, thus neglecting this blog, some of my stories and the chances I've been given to date.  I shall be making more efforts as always, and I shan't end the struggle for my dreams ... ever.

I am sorry that I don't have any goodies to send out so I am taking a moment from this life to say thank you to all my supporters and those of you who always wish me well and hope for my personal best.

"Thank you.  God bless you for all you've done to keep me sane and level."

2012 promises something new ... let's see what happens next.

Always,

~ j ~


*****

Dear Santa (or Satan if necessary)

Either one visiting me would make me smile ...

 Gianna Michaels (ex) or Katarina Hartlova (ex)

I promise to leave milk & cookies.

Always,

afare24get

Dreams on Loan

5.7 Million

It’s 8:15 a.m., Sunday morning and I am typing, trying to express what I saw/felt in my dreams.  The first thing I dreamt was that I opened one of my Student Loan notes for payment to learn, with interest and penalties, I owed 5.7 million dollars and they wanted a payment of $30,000 +/- so I sent them a check for $25 in a money order.  I dropped a stamp then sent it off in the mail.

I went to sleep around 2:00 a.m., the last thing on my mind being a portrait of Joan Crawford after seeing the special, “Secrets of the Will”, and seeing what happened to her family.  Super sad & creepy too.

My first dream was about someone I miss/missed a great deal.  She was reentering my life (which is in the realm of TOTAL fiction) even though several years have passed.  She told me she wasn’t leaving her home but she’d meet me in the middle of both our places.  She had actually come to my home and visited my family, who all took to her quite easily, liking her immediately.  We kept finding ourselves outdoors, surrounded by large trees and open woods.  I found myself kissing her again, holding her, amazed she hadn’t aged, changed or differed in any way since the last time I laid eyes on her gorgeous figure.

                The next thing that I remember is being in a shelter/gym/mall situation with a group of kids/teens due to some occurrence for us to congregate.  Maybe I was a leader, I don’t remember, but everyone was dressed for summer: shorts, t-shirts, flip-flops, bikini tops and the like.  I didn’t question it nor do I remember anyone eating anything but that’s what was going on at that moment.  Now that night I was sleeping in my mattress, when a busty brunette with big hair came onto the edge, wearing a t-shirt, shaking me gently, whispering, “Can I stay here?” 

                She reminded me of Vanessa Del Rio and Lisa Ann in the same breath with a hint of color on her skin, but not as old.  She was in her early 30’s when I first saw her in action so this was a younger woman/version of her.  (In fact, she kinda looked like this young internet model.)

                “Sure”, I mumbled, and turned my back to her.  We were ass to ass, and I was trying to give her space so she could relax.  Suddenly, a hand came to my shoulder, and I heard, “That’s not what I meant.”  

So I turned over, and she had her back to me.  I spooned her, placing one hand over her stomach, stroking it and feeling her belly through her t-shirt.  She wiggled, and then moved closer, keeping me pressed tight to her body.  I kissed the back of her neck, and she rolled over, one knee atop the other, smiling at me in the darkness.  I looked down at her, and she smiled back.  I felt my body moving closer, my waist working to spread her thighs, kissing her chin and her eyes fluttered.  She whispered, “That’s what I meant.”

                “Really?”  I could feel my cock slipping between her cheeks, then up along her thigh and slowly into the sweet spot that made her eyes flutter again, her smile widen and her breast start heaving as she let her t-shirt ride up, baring the perfect hard nipples to me, which disappeared into darkness as I fell face-down to lick/suck them.  (And anyone who knows me knows I am a breast man.)

               

                I awoke briefly to barking dogs, as there has been a goat loose nearby and it’s neck-bell makes a clanging sound, so I rose, opened the door to my shanty and let them loose, allowing them to bark all they pleased.  Before I slipped and arose to release the dogs, I thought she said, “You won’t let anyone else cum in me will you?” 

I don’t know why but for some reason … maybe it’s my hidden perversions but I felt it was something akin to maybe a bisexual reference or an orgy idea/ideal/condom use.  Totally unsure but something I registered in my head.  Either way she was smiling and that was enough for me.

I finally arose around 8:00 a.m. and have been sitting here ever since, editing, rewriting, sipping coffee, feeding dogs, occasionally looking for internet porn and checking e-mails.  I can’t say dreams mean nothing, and I can’t honestly say I can translate them as they’re personal to our own fears and desires, emotions and failings.  Failure is someone I am familiar with like my own Shadow; in fact, I think he is a Shadow, a sense of all I could be or all I could have been, and am still trying to capture even at this age, at this time.

It’s 11:30 p.m. and I have work in the morning.  I’ve got to steam my slacks and a shirt, polish my shoes and make sure I shave and have my morning coffee.  I am supposed to do the announcements in the morning, as I am taking the place of the student council sponsor who also teaches Algebra and Geometry at the middle school I’ll be at in the morning.

Happy Christmas

Hello dear readers. 

No I have not died or dropped off the face of the earth, been hospitalized or become born-again.  Nothing so severe.  I am just busy substitute teaching; and teachers are grabbing every possible day they can, knowing they can leave me in charge to care for their classes, kids, technology and personal effects.  I can run GradeBook, GradeSpeed, RSCCC, (which some districts STILL use) and can keep tabs on the kids without falling apart as a teacher.

Now as an artist, I am trying to do a few new things.  My personal life isn’t as much fun as it’s been in the past and I am just hoping to see a few dreams/attempts happen before I settle into mediocrity.

I have been fighting that for years.

I know I’ll never surrender but I don’t want to be like “The Kid’s” dad in Purple Rain.  I don’t want my children or friends to find a cache of unmet or unfulfilled dreams.

Holiday break starts soon.  Some of you can expect something every cool.  Other I may make an offer for something interesting to your postal mail.

Thanks for listening.

Much love,

Afare24get