Going Mental -lol-

::: BREAKING NEWS :::
In 2009 the government will start killing
all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.

Run, little friend, run!



MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!)

I thought you could all use a giggle ... ~lol!~

Julian

The Poverty Ride

(The Crow - Return to the Grave)

Life has crushed me from time to time, and I feel as if it's roshambo'ed me, kicking me in the balls in a manner befitting a villain. Am I a villain? A cruel joke played on the Living of this city, or am I a parody of a human life executed to disrupt life and cause misery, wanting and sadness in many directions?

I wonder: What is my purpose on this planet?

I've been an actor, a defender, carried a gun as a living, wrote for love, found and lost more pleasures than some people would ever know in two life times.

I have run away.

I have hidden my heart deep in the blackness of the oceans of agony and despair.

And I have accepted the inevitable.

Soon I'll be a teacher; I just turned 41. Maybe that's my worry that my life floats away like tears in a monsoon. Little to recall or to separate from the old or the new, and I fear I will leave no mark. Noone will ever know I was really here, and noone will have ever missed me, much less alone know me like I'd like to be known.

And at the same time, I don't want a lot of people, knowing the real me. The guy who skipped two class reunions, who is recognized with tales of chaos, wild expectations and dizzying failures, who doesn't see if he's really got talent or not, and plans but has so many problems executing.

Maybe I have mental impotence. Emotionally flaccid.

Lacking a spin: bone-less.

Maybe that's why books, movie, songs with lots of passion make me smile ... arouse me. Maybe they quell the monster lurking inside me, inside of all of us. Maybe that's why in my last blog I wrote about my blinding hatred and anger and fury, but when the chance arose, I skipped a battle/confrontation with my neighbor and just walked my dog in another direction.

The artwork of Vincent Van Gogh has always fascinated me. Working hard all his life, addicted to chaos and currently thought to have been an undiagnosed schitzophrenic or manic-depressive. And of course, by looking at his artwork, considering the days he lived in, his ideas to master the realistic world of art would have been seen as nothing more than an attempt at parody as opposed to his true artistic soul being expressed. He and many others of the time were seen as dilutions of the previous masters, always in comparison and not as successful as they were.

I've been told I could be an undiagnosed case of ADD (attention deficit-disorder), like the t-shirt that says "I don't have Attention deficit dis-* Look! A Kitty!"

Maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe I lack a conscience. Maybe I'm manic or just sad and crushed from some long forgotten trauma, and I've never learned to cope with it or deal with life around me. Maybe this is my life ala "Jacob's Ladder", in which I died or am dying, never seeing the end, a personal hell, wondering ... wandering, afraid of my final fate.

When I was 09 years old, I was a safety patrol in elementary school. One day I and a chubby kid (name Phillip) were asked to take a small dog (or cat) that had wandered onto the school over the fence into the next lot and to rush back for class. I think the principal sent us; I really can't recall which authority figure sent us. We walked either carrying or pulling the dog by it's fur past the opening separating the elementary school to a vacant lot and near the businesses which were a Ben Franklin's and a supermarket. We told the animal to scoot, and then we walked back to the opening, stepping quickly, trying to leave the small animal behind.

I turned, looking at him, maybe thinking about grabbing some dime-candy from the Ben Franklin's store, when my eyes caught the grill of a BIG fuckin' truck. I mean semi-type truck, used for cargo or stuff like that, rushing towards me. Phillip grabbed me, pushed us both and we went through the gape in the fence, cracking the ground around us, slipping and then standing. I don't recall looking back for the animal, or ever seeing it again. Maybe it was crushed coming after us even after we escaped the truck, or fled into the distance. I just remember Phillip looking at me, saying "C'mon, we gotta go to class."

Did the truck hit me? Is the small animal looking down at me with sad eyes? Is Phillip rushing back with the authority figure who sent us to my death? Is the truck driver trying to comfort me, as I glaze over, his eyes wet with tears as I slow die, seeing the crushed body under the wheel of the truck?

Have I found my temporal delusion or is my imagination overactive for a man my age? Am I just sad and reasoning the misery out with this need to escape being a loser, or am I just trying to get past the moment I am having by expounding with the supernatural and obscene? I feel horror and it makes me tingle more than porn ever will.

I am currently reading Russ Meyer's biography "Big Bosoms & Square Jaws". Poor Russ; he was sadder than I was amid all the lust available to him. His lust was all-consuming, and he was unable to do anything more than just revel in the display of the work, not in the pleasure of the moment. He wanted to frame women like people collect art, not lust for them and enjoy them and make the eperience visceral.

I DON'T WANT TO DREAM IT - I WANT TO LIVE IT! ALL OF IT!

Life flows faster; the stream moves much quicker and I see the there's a fuckin' waterfall that will toss me like a early 20th century barrel rider over Niagra sans the barrel to keep my bones from being crushed or pummeled with the rocks below. What will my dream me?

Artist? Porn star? Movie star? Erotic writer? Teacher? Priest? Script writer? Comic book author? Can I really do anything as I grow older, fatter, lazier, scarier ... sadder?

Am I going to try committing suicide again like I tried in 1990? Or in 1984? Or am I just making a cry for help and a cry for underwear? Is this a satire of life or art or am I delusional and deranged?

Maybe I am looking for a person to cradle my tears.

Maybe I need to stop fuckin' crying.

Maybe I need to accept that people DO love me and that I am loved.

Lots of maybes.

But no answers.

Adios for now.


~j~





(The Crow - Birth of a Legend)

Hating your Neighbors

I fucking hate my goddamned neighbors. They're narrow-minded, shit-eating asshole who's life is a nausea to the planet Earth. I hate that they have live there and are jackasses, and so fuckin' rude and low-class. As I walked my blonde angel this morning, my lab-cross Blondie, I had to stop in front of this house where I needed to fix her collar and get her moving again, and then a PACK (like 4 or 5) dogs rushed up, barking like mad. They were stopped by this chain-linked fence and barked, salivating like mad monsters, growling at my dog; and of course, she wanted to bark back! So they're all barking, and I'm tugging at Blondie's leash & collar when the woman of the house comes out, screaming at me.

"YOU! DON'T STOP HERE! STOP THERE OR THERE BUT DON'T STOP HERE! I'VE SEEN YOU STOP IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE! DON'T STOP HERE AGAIN! TAKE THAT DOG SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

I shouted back, "Sorry ... yes ma'am", and walked off.

There's NO sidewalk. I don't deliberately stop there but her dogs bark at mine and they all want to play so I can't help that. They're dogs, and I am walking in the street, so what else can I do?

I spoke with the polide department and they said the altercation needs to be on-going, so they can talk to BOTH of us at that moment when the disturbance occurs.

~sigh!~

Tomorrow I'll be walking the dog again, and I'll be making sure to have my cell phone and my cassette recorder so if she shouts at me again I can have it on record and make sure to give it to an attorney.

Are we THAT uncivilized nowadays? Have we come to the point where we cheapen life with screaming and a lack of sensible comment to show the depth of our intelligence and compassion?



All I've ever wanted to do is write, live, love and enjoy myself. Now I don't think that's a real distinct possiblity.

Something may happen ... I don't know what but there's a storm brewing and I am going to be in the eye of it all. Maybe I am the malfeasance of it all - maybe the catalyst.

The 'neighbor' has two 'dudes', very redneck, shit-kicker type assholes who are always with her in that house and either drinking with her or drunk moving about the yard. I don't feel like an altercation should occur, but I don't feel like seeing my dog killed or myself injured.

Is this what my life is supposed to be? Is this the real Hell of my sins?




Did I bring all this upon my own life? Do I need to move once and for all? Do I hate the world or does it hate me?

I'm sad right now, little joy in my life, and I can't believe I am looking foward to school to start.

Maybe this is my Endgame.



Maybe I don't belong anywhere.

Hate fuels my desires - keeps my dreams cooking.

Maybe Hate should sustain me.

Bye for now,



Julian

p.s. "As I walked my angel another neighbor has let her dogs roam loose, and one of the fuckin' beasties pissed on my leg while it sniffed me and my Blondie. It's just not my day."

Some children - VERY BAD Children

I was chatting with my angel, who made me smile, offered me a chance to lust her and delight my mind and body when all of the sudden my electricity went out. I was growling, shouting mad, and moving around my apartment. And it's not like anyone's that super-close, as my chatters are out of the state of Texas.

(And that's ALL I'll say about them since it's noone's business who or where I'm chatting and I haven't asked them since it just happened this afternoon!)

Thus, this is my apology to that person: "I'm sorry I lost you. Please forgive me. I miss you."

Anyway I was chatting, talking deeper into lust and delight, enjoying the details of my friend with all the words she could be offered, and for all the smile I could muster to make her day a little better. I didn't even get to the costume or the last of the details possible to make sure she smiled as often as possible.

~sigh!~

I LOST power and was moving around, asking the manager what happened; she had no clue. I kept checking the electrical box at the end of the apartment where my air conditioner is and found the unit working. Her maintenance guys were wandering around, asking each other what happened and why only my power was out. Then another tenant came to the spot, seeing us, and she had the same problem: loss of power but the a/c still worked.

Puzzling.

Anyway, I live in a series of duplexes in San Antonio, and unfortunately they have been under renovation for some time. When I looked back we'd been outside for 20 minutes talking about this and wondering what to do or if someone was going to come back ready to rewire our places. Then, we found her grandchild, opening electrical boxes. Now I had thought the boxes were just for watching the water & electrical meter so I didn't touch it, thinking it wasn't going to affect my computer, satellite, or phone.

That's where the kid came in: he was lifting the boxes, flipping the switches, and knocking off the power. We all noticed this but wondered how did he do it, and that's when we saw what the renovations did, clipping the hasp out of the slot making it flush; this is a locking hasp for the electrical box, usually held down with a lock. He was wandering around, flipping switches, and shutting down more power. All because there were no locks on the hasp or ways to keep them closed all the time.

And I lost my friend.

Time ran out & there wasn't a chance to log back on, tell this story and show that chatter how much they meant to me before the power went out and I lost them.

This was that moment when I could hear the line from the movie, "I didn't say I didn't want children, I meant not THAT child!"

Needless to say someone got paddled many many times!!

(Sorry kid ... but now we're even.)

I hope this apology tells them everything I can't at the moment.

I hope she understand ...

Always,


Julian

Wanting You (poem) and my thoughts about Living Twice

----- WANTING YOU ------

Sugar melting in heat ~ salt liked away by the
rain - that's how I ache to taste your mouth. Loving
the scent of your perfume in my nostrils, needing the
flutter of your eyes.

Denied by time, Fortune & the Stars .... by the Gods,
they're both fickle.
fear nothing ~ that time shall a'come like moonlight
on a fantasy, reflecting the stars drowning in the lakeside
to be that close to you.
How close I want to be to you.
Brilliance, a smile unyielding to anything ... to anyone ...
or to any time.

What could any man hope for? - but to touch you?
Captivate you? Spin you?
Enjoy or enthrall you in his hands & heart?
Counltn'd he ask for such as well?
Everlasting? undying? unexplained ... continuous?
Perpetual? Like the galaxy itself
Forever.
I can't help glancing at your pictures, reading your
messages no matter how long ago I
received them in my vulgar
little heart.

They're you - they're mine.

They're the memories and the flashes of fantasy and
the drownign of reality.

Let's drown or float together.
All we have we've wanted and gain, all we can hope
for is nestled in our dreams.

Find a dream - mee me there when the bloom
of wolfsbane and irises fragrance the
dusk.

Walk with me till dawn.


*************** You Only Live Twice *******************
Blofeld: James Bond. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ernst Stavro Blofeld. They told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong.
Bond: Yes, this is my second life.
Blofeld: You only live twice, Mr. Bond.





I was scribbling this poem off my handwritten notes, and looking at televions when the classic James Bond movie, "You Only Live Twice", came on. I was thinking about the poem above when I came to the scene where James Bond (Sean Connery) and Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi) go to the Kobe docks to see what cargo the bad guys ship is loading. There they encounter trouble. Bond tries to get her out of there and she replies "I'm not leaving you."

Eventually, and more than likely, reluctantly, she leaves him there to fight while she reports to the Intelligence group and report on what's happening with James.




Who doesn't want a bad-ass woman beside him when he rushes into the face of danger?

Most guys feel they're "macho enough" to handle any situation, but when it comes down to brass tacks, you have to know what you're capable of doing and why.

Being on-line, this is my second life. I'm able to speak freely, luridly, obscenely, and honestly, without knowing who or what is going to happen. I can't imagine that today's kids have ever known what real censorship or persecution is since they're so much freer than we were as students. I have worked hard to produce a very cool blog and be honest with myself about my own feelings and events occurring, unlike when I was a boy, hiding things, leading a restained
and quiet life.

Or maybe I just like this movie.

Below are some lins that could be informative and fun, such as all the different groups who cover the famous song by Nancy Sinatra, including the opening titles and her original song from the movie.

~wink!~

Blessings,




Julian



********** Other's singing the same song - some are very cool! ************
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi5f3TVhnoE - Bjork singing with slideshow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okrrn1r5TYQ - Coldplay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0dkXSGNzZE - Natache Atlas; someone unknown to me

http://www.moviewallpapers.net/download/desktop/536/1024/You_Only_Live_Twice.html - Movie poster wallpapers

http://shatterhand007.com/FlemingNovels/YouOnlyLiveTwice/NOVELYOLT.html - A review of the Ian Fleming novel for the movie

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Only_Live_Twice_(film) - Wikipedia article

http://www0.epinions.com/content_212169297540 - Another fan review of the film

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062512/ - IMDB review of the film

The Brilliance of paris Hilton

I am reposting this story from Yahoo & from the website funnyordie.com ... and I have to do this. It seems John McCain thought Paris & Britney should be lumped in the same group with his presidential-opponent Sen. Barack Obama.

This launched chaos from the Hilton Family, moreover the mother, Kathy, a McCain supporter. And it inspired this video ...

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

but I must admit I LOVE her ecological ideals for the saving of our nation with a withdrawl of depenceny on foreign oil and eviromental success.


And I have to admit ... when I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

See the above ballad for the depths that Paris deserves our respect and smiles and support.

Sure she's a spoiled, whiny princess with her sex-rated exploits exposed for the world to see. Sure she's lost personal videos, private phone numbers of other celebrities and caused more havoc than the Plague. But she's America's Pain in the Butt.

And that deserves our respect.

Always,


Julian

---------- YAHOO STORY BELOW -------------

Attention, America: Paris has spoken. Paris Hilton, the blonde, doe-eyed celebrity thrust into the presidential campaign in an ad by Republican candidate John McCain, issued a tart rebuttal Tuesday, albeit in a scantily clad, tongue-in-cheek kind of way.

Last week, McCain launched an ad comparing Democratic rival Barack Obama to Hilton and Britney Spears, suggesting Obama was no more than a celebrity candidate unready to lead the nation.
Hilton initially shied away from the debate over the ad and its effectiveness. But she responded Tuesday with a spoof on the comedy Web site Funny or Die.

"Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton and I'm a celebrity, too. Only I'm not from the olden days and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot," Hilton said, speaking as she reclined in a pool chair in a revealing bathing suit and a pair of pumps. "But then that wrinkly, white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I'm running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude."

"I want America to know that I'm, like, totally ready to lead," she said.

She then discusses energy policy, and suggests a hybrid of McCain's offshore oil drilling plan and Obama's incentives for new energy technology.

"Energy crisis solved! I'll see you at the debates," she said,
McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds said Hilton appears to support his candidate's "all of the above" energy solution.

"Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan," Bounds said.

Hilton's mother, who with her husband donated $4,600 to McCain's campaign earlier in the year, has said McCain's ad is "a complete waste of the country's time and attention at the very moment when millions of people are losing their homes and their jobs."

McCain's ad uses footage of Obama's reception by Germans during a recent trip to Berlin to dismiss him as just another celebrity. Obama's campaign has criticized the ad; McCain has defended it as humorous.

Hilton's rebuttal includes plenty of humor at McCain's expense.

An announcer calls him "the oldest celebrity in the world, like super-old, old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket," and asks, "but is he ready to lead?" Hilton's spoof also intersperses images of McCain and Yoda from Star Wars and the cast of television's "The Golden Girls."
___
On the Net:

Funny or Die: http://www.funnyordie.com/

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080806/ap_on_el_pr/mccain_paris_hilton

Cubicle Zombies Pt 2

A Conversation with a Wanna-Be Zombie

"I know people want to be fairies and vampires", she said, "but I want to be a zombie."

A beat, and she continued: "But then that'll end too, won't it?"

I replied softly, "It's only gonna end when you stay out of the cubicle."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It's 7:45 a.m. and I am doing laundry, cleaning house and working at making my studio more organized and discarding the things that don't please me or make a difference in my life.

And I'm not staying in my job any longer.

I am quitting this morning. In a short time I'll be at the offices of my telemarketting job, dropping off my badge and handing in my resignation. I tried, but I just can't do this job in any way, shape or form.

It's not that I don't believe in the product or service, but the damned work is so fucking mind-numbing, and I just can't stand being there. The company says, 'You need to dress at a level of professionalism', but the veterans/people who've been there longer, wear Polo shirts and shabby jeans from American Eagle amid their badly tied dreadlocks and odd haircuts or inter-office romances. I don't need to fuel my rage or party-hearty desires with momentary flings or silly connections on MySpace to nitwits who work with me.

I need dreams to come alive, period.

I need to make Life be all it should be for me. Period!

I was also told, 'Don't text', but the nitwit children were texting each other. I felt a little left out, and at the same time, I also felt like noone was watching them or being any kind of real supervisor, so I knew I didn't want to STAY in this shithole of a zombie job. Of course, when you have hallucinations while at the job, and hear nothing invugorating about your future, all you can do is hold on, pray for the change and leave AT FUCKING ONCE!

In a little while this job with it's ennui will be a memory in my life; I never wanted to call but to BE called. It was like sales: they came to me, I didn't hunt them down again & again.



No more starting today ... adios!

Julian

Epilogue: "I just dropped off my badge and resignation. A friend of mine is doing a 48 hour film festival and needs a crew, actors & the like. When I went in everyone thought I looked too casual for my work shift that night. I told them I may be 'Doing a movie' ... they didn't believe me. They thought my major dream was or IS to be a teacher. That's a nice thought, but time marches on. I am 41 and can't wait for spare time to make my dreams come true. When the chance comes I gotta leap ... right now I'm scared. I'm free-falling, and I have no 'chute. All I can do is my very best. I am not worried about my job - it will be a flinch and a motion and then the others move on, working at their calls, doing what they need to do to get by, and going towards what makes them happy. THIS won't make me happy ... ever. So they're gone. My only regret is that I didn't sleep with my co-workers, one in particular. ~licking my lips!~ Bye for now."

STAIND - Believe In Me





I sit alone and watch the clock,
Trying to collect my thoughts,
All I think about is you.
And so I cry myself to sleep,
And hope the devil I don't meet.
In the dreams that I live through.

Believe in me, and though you've waited for so long,
Believe in me, sometimes the weak become the strong,
Believe in me, this life's not always what it seems,
Believe in me, cause I was made for chasing dreams.

All the smiles you've had to fake,
And all the ??? you've had to take.
Just to lead us here again.
I never have the things to say,
To make it all just go away,
To make it all just disappear.

Believe in me, and though you've waited for so long,
Believe in me, sometimes the weak become the strong,
Believe in me, this life's not always what it seems,
Believe in me, cause i was made for chasing dreams.

It's my life,
It's my choice,
Hear my words,
Hear my voice,
And just believe.

I sit alone and watch the clock,
Trying to collect my thoughts,
And all i think about is you.

If you believe in me, life's not always what it seems
Believe in me, cause i was made for chasing dreams.

Believe in me, and though you've waited for so long,
Believe in me, sometimes the weak become the strong,
Believe in me, this life's not always what it seems,
Believe in me, cause i was made for chasing dreams.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ1ELyisECc - song & lyrics, just in case the image doesn't work.

http://afare24get.blogspot.com/2008/07/cubicle-zombies.html - Cubicle Zombies Part 1